Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:
So, about the...
Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.
Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.
It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.
It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.
So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.
When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.
back to the question:
how do you (I) feel?
I honestly don't know.
