Querida....

Dear you,

I think that as much as I don't want to admit it (or to the people who I have), I think that you're the person who has succeeded in filling in this hole that has been created in my heart. Because I can't even go up to you to tell you this, I am going to express it here. 

Sitting at work last night, all I could think about was you sitting across from me. Behind your laptop screen, complaining about all that you complain about. Allow me to go back to when I first saw you. I can still remember it. My head was pounding, louder than the beats of drums of a marching band. I was ready to fall and crash. You had on your sunglasses and the biggest grin I've ever seen. You were dancing too. At that point, all I could do was stare and keep my thoughts to myself. But I wondered who you were. I never really saw you much. But never mind that, you quickly became someone in the past. 

Soon time passed and the humidity rolled over. Little did I know that we had much in common. Funnily, I've never even talked to you in person and yet I felt like I could relate to you in ways I never thought possible. I looked forward to talking to you almost every day when I was seated before the computer. You told me stories about your high maintenance and I told you about my self recovery from my recent pain. 

Then I remember jumping in joy at the thought that I could leave this campus even though I just got back not long ago. I was also mentally preparing myself for a day I never wanted to face... Today. I had a big fear of feeling this way and kept myself on guard. I've heard one too many tales but something in me decided to watch you unfold your story. Not long after, I found myself beginning to question myself and my feelings. I guess you didn't know just how big of an impact you've made on me. Religion wise, interaction, social wise. In all those times I've spent with you, I hear myself reflecting upon a lot of things after. 

The turning point happened when I saw you letting your guard down. Something I've never seen you done before and when I really began questioning my feelings. Plus the comfort level I felt with you was beyond me. Me remembering my pledge to avoid feeling how I feel today, I did my best to not show them and did what I could within my powers to defend myself from letting you think I cared more than I should...

... This went on a little longer than I expected 

because it soon 

seemed as though we were playing hide and seek. 

That long stretch of hide and seek played its tricks on me and could be seen tossing and turning at bedtime trying to fall asleep, fighting back the resistant to stay awake. 

Just a few days ago, however, I came to the realization that you are quite the asshole. A quote once stated "if someone really cares about you, they will do all they can to be with you. No lies, no excuses and no broken promises" and you were the perfect example of this. All those days of going places, zero-ed in into nothingness. Your foolish ways and your heartless like face wear, which you so happen to call your (something that can be changed if you wanted to) reality. All those days of commonality are now our hi-bye seconds. Our times of laughing and talking, have evolved into forced conversations (or at least forced from how I see it). 

Either way, as of now, all I know that I face the reality of my feelings. My roommate was right. This was bound to happen. My carelessness had led me to this and as much as I've tried to hold this back till the day you walk up that stage, I no longer have the capacity to keep it to myself or to the couple of people I've talked to regarding this. No longer do I have the strength. So, this is me. Saying this.