In Loving Memory...

... of the brilliant thoughts that once ran through all our heads and have vanished in the unlimited, untouched section of our brains, like the folder of the unsolved and closed crimes.

Brain farts. They happen to the best of all of us...

One moment, we'd have the most mind boggling, dramatic, amazing epiphany or thought and the next, you knew you had this one real cool thought but nothing you do can or will help recall what you have just lost... Ahem, this also feels like all the things I have.. One second I'm holding onto them, the next, god knows where they'd gone... bleargh.

Okay. On with this week's outfits! (Just a reminder, I am using stuff I already have, so you will see the repeat of stuff such as jewelry and shoes, ESPECIALLY the shoes)
Also, the BOLDS are the names of the shops I got the items from.

a sunny afternoon at Starbucks with my Mexican twin sistah!

Sweater a gift from my momma. Thank you momma! I love it!

Romper Target

Watch Fossil

Sandals Vincci+

Sunglasses property of Dalma Avalos

the day everyone thought I had an interview &reconnecting through mealtimes

Blazer Forever 21 (thanks guys for the compliments)

V-Neck H&M

Jeans Forever 21

Sandals a market in Bali, Indonesia

of French films and slumber

Dress a wholesale place in Hatyai, Thailand

Flats Charles & Keith, Singapore 

Headband Forever 21 (PS, they're sold in 4/5s  for CHEAP)

Earrings a gift from my aunt

I'm unconsciously dressing in mourning of your work clothes, Nawwar!

Top some store near Soka

Skirt Goodwill; Charleston, South Carolina

Belt came with a dress I bought at a wholesale store in Hatyai

Earrings  (they're 2 sets) a wholesale store in LA

Watch Fossil 

Bracelet Guess (a gift from Sabrina. THANK YOU HONEY!)

Ring Diva

A night out with the girls and spending TOO long on picking a lipstick color

Necklace a gift from Nawwar (woohoo! Nawwar! Thank youuuu!)

Earrings dollar store in Hatyai

Dress wholesale place in LA

Wedges Debenhams I think? Can't quite recall but I remember that they were on sale!

Arm accessories all gifts

Last night's make up challenge:
Fucking lipstick color & my rusty skills at putting on fake lashes.
But I wanna take about the eye shadow.
What I did... (please scroll to bottom of page)


As you can tell... I don't apply make up on a regular basis. Only on special special occasions. Like last night. We paid a visit to Rage, a gay club in LA. Boy oh boy was it fun! I had so much fun with all the girls and the cute little gay boys who danced and laughed with us.

Just a little update on my week since I lost the one thing I had wanted to seriously blog about...

If you may or may not have noticed, I had deactivated Facebook. But the next day, I had gotten a phone call from mom thinking I had deleted her and that she felt empty without it because she uses it to check up on me and cheer her up on a bad day. So, to make her feel better, I reactivated it. Oh Facebook, we couldn't even part even if I desired it. Well, not for long, at least.

I must say, this week is one of my hectic ones because it is the alternate week (one that includes the package an extra hour of class) but surprisingly, it was a really cool week of basically me being extra super hyper. It has also been a week that has tested my patience. My ceramic items were falling apart, I had presentations, lots of readings, and a mini exam. Oh, and did I mention all the stress and upset I had observed over the course of these 5 days? I remember getting comments like "you're too hyper for me right now" Oh yes. I felt unstoppable.

our afternoon view

Granted, in the heat this afternoon, I had a moment of bitch. Sorry. But I think the one thing that wrapped up the week and that made it oh-so beautiful was the Senior Forum that took place.


Things I'm truly grateful for:

Julia playing Peekaboo

It was so nice to see the class get together in one room and to address issues as a class. 

and of course, the impromptu off campus breaks.

memories from 2 years ago with my Julia

Photo Courtesy: Charlie Kerhin 

Question: What are you grateful for this week?

xoxo

Last night's make up:
Eyes (I used my middle and 4th fingers, and a thin flat brush):
VERY IMPORTANT: apply primer before shadow! Currently using from Urban Decay
After primer application, I started (using my middle finger) with a metallic medium brown as the base (I used this cause it is slightly lighter than my skin color, so pick a color that is one shade lighter than your skin color cause I will contrast it out with darker browns). Starting at the bottom of my lids in the middle, in a zig zag motion, slowly moved UP my eyes to the brow. Next, I took a purplish brown color, one that is maybe 3 shades darker than skin color and starting at the END of my eyes, in a decreasing pressure, brushing inwards and stopping in middle of eye. Now, you'd see a fading shade towards the middle of your eyes. Then, I took the brush (if possible, use one that has a thin rounded top brush one that looks kinda like this) and BLACK eyeshadow, slowly lined my eyes from the inside to the end WITHOUT winging it. So basically, I drew a line along the line of my lids and stopping at the end. Then, gently, using the brush, slowly smudging the black upwards in bits. BITS = 2mm. UPWARDS all the way till the end. Once done, using 4th finger, taking a color 2 shades lighter than 1st color, filling in the area under the brow (where the bone is) and dabbing the small soft patch between nose bridge and eyes.

Then, curl eyelashes and apply mascara.

WARNING: 

REFRAIN FROM APPLYING MORE COATS ON LAYER OF DRIED MASCARA.

Followed by gluing eyelashes to eyes. I usually start from the inside of my eyes and work my way out.

Cheeks: EASY. BENETINT from BENEFIT. I swear on this stuff. Using the brush, I draw diagonal lines on my cheekbones and even them out.

Lipstick: I picked a deep Fuschia (I mixed my red with nude pink)

Weekly Dresslings.

Okay okay. So I see everyone going to the Weekly Dress posts.

I know I've stopped for a long time. To be quite frank, I got lazy.

And though I'm starting it again, I'm telling you, it is gonna be simple. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy. Just gonna update on stuff I think have helped me in the past. Also, I'm speaking from what I've learnt through my experiences.

What is awesome though (oh self flattery at it's best), is that all the clothes you see are stuff I already have. A lot of the times, they're gifts (thanks mom! if you're reading this!) or some of them may be new but old. If you know what I mean? So, I have had them, I just never brought them out as much till now.

ANYWAY ON Y VA! 

I've gotten pictures from this week's outfits. But not EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like I said, I'm lazy. I promise I'll make an effort though...

Shirt (not seen) Fred Perry

Sweater H&M

Skirt Forever 21

Flats Vincci 

Top some store in Harajuku 

Skirt (not very visible) Padini

Bracelets (L-R) Forever 21, Aldo & some indian store in Brickfields

Coincidental Black & White

Sweater H&M

Top (not quite visible V-neck) H&M

Shorts Brands Outlet

Earrings some shop in LA

Clearer view of the earrings

Dress one of the markets in Bali

Flats Vincci

Shirt Express (Men's section)

Shorts Forever 21

Belt Dorothy Perkins

Shoes Vincci

Earrings some dollar store in Hatyai, Thailand.

Lesson learnt this week:

When wearing a top that covers most of your shoulders (and some parts of your neck), REFRAIN from long necklaces that have a V shape. They just DO NOT go well together. Simplicity is key. If wearing anything with a V neck like shape, keep earrings simple (nothing TOO long, pass shoulder), wear a small necklace. Long earrings create an edgier look with hair up. High pony tails, buns (,etc) or even french braids go well with them.

Feel free to go crazy at the arms though. 

When tired of pinning fringe, tie into braid/ high pony/ bun ;)

This week's craze:

Polka dots and soft material.

Hair: half ponies & braids. Story behind this is that I tried a dutch braid and the bottom was so bad I decided to take it out and halfway through and tied it up instead.

After All...

I need you to stop. Or I need myself to stop. Either one, whichever it is that came first. Whatever, just. Stop.  This loopty loop thing I always do when I find myself ousted. Be it spending my night alone knowing no one will come knocking the way you used to. Be it the fact that everywhere I go, I see all this love, all this affection. Or even the fact that the longer I people watch, the more happy, hand-holding couples I have to take in and smile at. It's bad enough that I've watched all these movies and named them my best friends, as if I could somehow relate to them one way or another. What's worse is that as if by cue, whenever something super lovey dovey happens, my tear machine magically works, causing waterworks to run down my cheek like waterfalls. 

By the way, I've lost count the amount of love songs I have listened to since. I've lost count of the many sad ones that I've played so many times I have learnt the lyrics by listening alone. What's funnier is the fact that somehow, every single one of these songs interestingly enough relate to me and my loss. Look at me, I speak of this as if I speak of a death, you know, one where I've watched the coffin get lowered into the ground as I still claw the very earth. Clenching, holding, grasping every single inch I can lay my fingers on. Each time I loosen the hold on one of them, I come running back, like a lost kid to his mother. Quite frankly, I cry. I cry thinking about it. I talk about it, or, well, it seems, I try to; thinking it'd make me feel better somehow. I always say I feel better, but deep down, nothing has changed. After all this time, nothing had really changed, I don't think. Each time I feel dejected, or when I get the red flag, I go back to you. The memory of you, the feelings still burnt fresh in my mind. Every moment including A and Z with everything in between. After all these years, you've still become my safety blanket. The same topic I find myself bringing up once every blue moon, or, once every haircut. 

Trust me, I am not proud of that frequency because we all know just how many times I have my hair cut. But I can't help it. You've always been that safety blanket, that one that I the salty contents of my tear bear. But I need you to stop. I don't know how, but just, somehow, stop? I need to stop crying over the spilled milk that is you. Rancid it has already become, yet the tears still flow. So, I plead, quit running through my thoughts. Quit being that one special one, that coffin-six-feet-under. Quit being the one. Cause I wanna stop crying, I really do. Sides, I'm sure those ears are sick of the tears and those shoulders tired from the heavy lifting.

SENIOR-megadepressionaddinabunchofwordstolookcool-itis?

So, about a month

ago, I was walking down the busy sidewalks of Phuket. Yeah, where literally at every corner you hear the not-so-silent shouts of...

"YES, TAXI? TUK TUK? MASSASS? (er, a heavily accented cry of "MASSAGE?")"

Anyway! As I did so, I was pondering upon the next two weeks that would officially call for the beginning of my... yes, you guessed it! Senior year!

*Inserts Jaws Soundtrack, followed by screams from horror films, here*

In what felt like a sudden wash of overwhelm, I muttered to my friend "In two weeks, I'm going to be a senior". You know this feeling, the type you watch in animes, where you see the character get a blue patch on their foreheads and they look like they allofasuddenoutofnowhere have a fever? That was me. But apparently the friend heard me not, and I had to repeat myself at a slightly amplified voice. After doing so, expecting some sort of comforting advice, something that would help calm the nerves of my newfound revelation, you know, words of encouragement... But HA. Boy was I wrong. In response, I got something around the lines of...

"Congrats, you can now grow up and face reality!"

This, was then followed by an assurance of just how quickly these two semesters will fly by and how I will be leaving the place I have called home for the past (now about to be) 4 years of my life.

hehe, so cute.
But this face truly and most definitely defined my feelings at the time. 

So now, here I am, almost done with my SECOND week of return, finally! finished with registration. yaaayyy 8 classes woop! All in the right order and at desired grading manner. yaaaayyy haha.

AND already, I see, one by one, my friends, beginning to crumble, falling, crawling, crying, pretty much dying from the bombard of emotions, paired with a GIGANTIC To-Do List waiting to be crossed out as the semester, and even the year progresses. Yours truly included.

Okay, seriously, aside from the one night where alcohol had consumed my body in a way I had completely forgotten about (mixed with an incident that left me in tears); I had begun feeling the whole world kind of just, crashing on me, on my shoulders, and out of the blue, as I sat at a mealtime, found an excuse to walk away, into the bathroom nearby to calm my nerves.

Looking back on my former upperclassmen, it has always been a wonder to me as to how they were able to carry on through with the whole thing, with wide grins on their faces, a spirit that seemed to be bouncing off the walls of everywhere I go, and the constant love and support that they showered upon us. Here I am, trying to fit into the shoes they once wore. But here I also am, crying and crumbling fast to the ground, like an asthmatic child finishing a marathon that had been forced on her.

Is it too early to say that I have whatever disease all seniors get, the one, you know, that just disappears when you graduate? Okay, on a slightly consoling note though, I have managed to find a painkiller that requires no consumption: my art classes. After calming my nerves, I went to the Ceramics lab to carve out designs on my whistle.

Ya like? :)

Inspiration: Kebaya

That was so useful cause upon departure, I felt so much lighter. And I went home to sleep like a baby would.
The best part that followed was the classes I had lined up today, ceramics, drawing, and Orchestra. That meant more flow of the creative juices, with the carving and making of plates (WE MADE SUSHI PLATES TODAY!), and even though I graced screeched through most of the pieces of music, I had fun, most definitely.

I'm sorry if you guys found this post to be rather morbid. But to those of you who live on campus, and would love to see a smile on the faces of the Seniors, please, feel free to send them a friendly greeting, talk to them, get to know them (or do whatever it is you like to help encourage them in your own way). Cause, take my word for it, you will be helping out a very very very VERY VERY stressed out upperclassman. But hey, this also applies to your fellow classmates and upperclassmen of all graduating years. Not just the ones donning the invisible Capstone-d signs across their foreheads.

xoxo

The Beginning

"And to those, who have 257 days more at this university, the Seniors, where are you??"

At addressing the school and seeking out each class for cheers at an award ceremony held a few days ago, this sentence caught me by major surprise.

It is official. I am a Senior at Soka University of America. I had my first Capstone meeting today. For those of you confused folks out there, Capstone is, in a nutshell, the senior thesis every single student is required to write in order to graduate. Capstone is due, well, in May. And I only have how many days left??? To be quite frank, during the meeting, my mind was going frantic. I was dying on the inside, kind of beating myself up, asking myself if I had made the right choice in picking the amount and types of classes I have bagged. Shouldn't I spend this time, doing Capstone?? Uh God. Hey, call me crazy, okay.

Either way, here are some photos of my journey back here.

Waiting to board the plane.

These are Raya lights! :) 

take off at Shanghai Pudong!

Above the streets of LA. I flew over buildings.

It didn't even hit me till I started guessing which buildings were what.

Familiar faces. 

and many laughs.

the view from the entrance of my building. 

Post award ceremony dinner.

4 hour errands to the same places and coincidentally matching outfits.

Karaoke night.

Drawing Homework 1:

Hogwarts Emblem.

4 days worth of work, COMPLETED.

Shit is going down, crazy, mad. I apologize in advance for the inconsistency of blog posts. Please still love me? :) I hope you know I do you :) 

Oh, right. And of course, I cheered super duper duper loud, as loud as I could.
I'm a Senior. 

Proud to be one, but terrified altogether. But still one.