Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Ethereal

This quote was so ethereal I had to post it. With all the crap feelings I've been feelings, this, was so beautiful. It's a little like how we can't fully comprehend our feelings, and how we get lost in all the emotions, that we lose all comprehension of them, and start questioning our mental validities in understanding these feelings? 

Reading this quote, I felt like I was staring out at space. I see now why we see so much beauty in space. 

"Life contains the capacity, like flames that reach toward heaven, to transform suffering and pain into the energy needed for value-creation, into light that illuminates darkness. Like the wind traversing vast spaces unhindered, life has the power to uproot and overturn all obstacles and difficulties. Like clear flowing water, it can wash away all stains and impurities. And finally, life, like the great earth that sustains vegetation, impartially protects all people with its compassionate, nurturing force."

Love & Prayers to A

Today and yesterday has kinda got me hit in a way that has me kicking myself in the buttocks.

In an attempt of accomplishing a task, I contacted a complete stranger who, despite is gaining monetarily from this transaction. To make the story telling easier, let's name her A. A was an absolute angel in agreeing to help me accomplish my insanely challenging task. While many others who I had also contacted had stricter guidelines and restrictions (which I totally understood), A, in her goodness has taken on the task personally. Which had made me absolutely ecstatic!

But of course, being an insanely challenging task, there was the uncontrollable factors that prevented the task from being carried forward. And so she contacted me to seek out more help from my end. So after searching high and low, I found someone willing to join on this seemingly impossible task. Then I connected the two and my friend had started giving suggestions when we got a respond from A saying that her husband was in critical condition. Turns out that he had been sick for a while and had to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors said that he might not make it. But even despite all this, she was still putting me first, telling me that she'd refund me and things.

Even at a critical moment like that, she was putting me first. At that point, nothing else really mattered but her family. So of course my friend and I told A not to worry about the task and to just take care of her husband. It was the end of the night, so my friend and I called it a night.

Then today, A informed me that her husband passed away at midnight last night. At this point, I was post nap and had been insanely pissy the afternoon over some menial thing and was bitching to my friend who by that point was just cross and fed up with me. Haha. But the moment when I got that text from A, everything just stopped. And immediately felt like the biggest, most ungrateful child in the entire planet.

The rest of the night, I just kept harping on the fact that A, this angel, who had made it her mission to make other people's day a fantastic one despite dealing with a big thing at home. The rest of the night, till now, I've just been thinking about how lame I've been in making my problems seem so big. No doubt they are difficult to deal with, but man, they are small small small. And I should not be using any of it to be an excuse to be a shitty person. Which I have been of late. And I have so much to be ashamed of, with a major dose of reflection.

And so tonight, my prayers go out to A and her family in this painful time.

If you're reading this, please take a second to send A your prayers and love.

Saturday Vacation

I just got back from a short short vacation in Busan with my folks.

I had never travelled out of Seoul for more than a day and Busan had exceeded my expectations in so so many ways.

That city is the 2nd largest in South Korea and is absolutely picturesque. Photos to follow suit in later posts. But for now,  I wanna take a second to remember some of the individuals I met there.

But I want to take my time to appreciate these individuals and make sure that what I express here does them justice.

So instead, here is a video by Beyoncé. The lyrics is actually something that I've struggled a lot with. From how I interpreted it, the whole idea of perfection is something society seems to be aiming towards. The concept of perfection is something we as a whole want, yet, when you go to different places, this "perfection" is varied. And then comes the plethora of expectations, demands, and especially the way in which we should be educating others and our future leaders.

I thought about this so much and struggled with it so much that I had considered writing my senior thesis on it.

Maybe I should do it, and get some closure. 

But for now, enjoy.

"My aspiration in life would be, to be happy" 
"we shine the light on whatever's worst.
Perfection is a disease of a nation.. it's the soul that needs a surgery"

You're Invited

It seems to me that I'm not the only one who is battling some sort of emotional struggle/challenge. From what I've seen on my news feed, so many of you guys are also in some sort of rocky boat holding on for dear life without a life jacket.

To be honest, I've been feeling the same way and its not the greatest feeling having to battle it alone. And it wasn't till recently that I've been able to speak to someone about it.

But I'd like not to focus on myself and pay it forward and so..

If you'd like to share with me your stories, wanna vent or simply just need a listening ear, or some sort of love/support, give me a jingle. You can message me on Twitter, or post a comment here and I'll get back to you ASAP

That is a promise. 

Love,
Kim

친구야, 고마워.

친구야,

네가 한국을 별로 좋아하지 않았는데 나를 돌봐 주고자 한국에 2번마다 1달 동안 한국에 있던 것을 잊을 수가 없어. 네 덕분에 나는 매일무거운 가방을 메지 않고 한국에 혼자서 생긴 외로움을 극복할 수 있었어. 네가  아니었다면 지금은 다른 사람들을 어떻게 잘 돌봐주고 격려하는지 알지 못 했을 거야.
아주 늦었지만 다시 한번 감사의 마음을 전하고 하는 일 모두 뜻대로 이루지기 바랄게~

고마워.. 친구야.

I hope you don't use Mr Goo for this. He did an awful job translating this.