I Decided

Okay, so today I was on Tumblr.

And I saw this picture...

Then I felt something spark within me. (oddly, I've had these spasms -wow, spasms make it sound REAL bad- of being better) Then I clicked reblog and decided to say something about it. Here goes:

I think I'm gonna have a change in mindset.
I'm gonna give myself more poker chips. (those confused, read the * below)
Done is done. I did what I needed to do. I have so many more poker chips cause I'm increasing my own self worth. Not letting this reduce the amounts of poker chips I have. NO MORE. I don't care anymore. I shouldn't. Specially not for this one. Not this time. Never again.
Sides, there really is no fucking thing I can do anymore. He doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me. Too bad. His loss. I'm just gonna keep doing my thing. I'm gonna be me, and someone more worthy of my god damn time will come along and see me for who I am.
No more whining, no more self pity. No more regressing, no more relapses. No more over thinking, no more of this "OMG *swoon faint* " thing.
Today, I talked about "the art of bullshit" and this talk gave me a new perspective on things. No more scared Kim. No more intimidated Kim. No more low self-esteem. I am going all out. Time for GOD FUCKING CHANGE.
URGH.

I'm frankly REALLY sick of this. I am DONE.

NO. MORE. I love me. Why should I feel all crappy cause of some ASSHOLE who is so blinded by his own ego? Hmm? What is this worth?ABSO-fucking-LUTELY NOTHING!!!!

* The Poker Chip Theory

Someone once gave me an analogy that I never will ever forget. He said that self esteem is like playing poker. The guy who has lesser poker chips will be more resistant to betting because he's afraid of losing his poker chips. Correct? He will start strategizing ways to play the game "efficiently" so that he does not lose all his chips. Same thing with self esteem. The person will be selective of people because he/she is afraid or losing their life "poker chips".
Meanwhile, the other person who has a lot poker chips is more willing to lose more games. To him, it doesn’t matter how many times he loses. He just learns from it and plays the game better the next time. He will take risks and all that because he is not afraid of losing them. If he losses, he moves on. End of story. 

Conclusion is… I need to be this person. For too long I've let my past daunt, haunt and take control of my life. Not this time. Not anymore.  NO MORE. Why should I restrict myself just because something in my past has changed me? Why should I comply to this quietness because I'm afraid? Why should I let one answered thing bug me? I’m giving myself poker chips. I am letting it go. All of it. No more of this bull crap. I am NOBODY'S bitch. Neither am I some toy. No one should treat me like crap according to how they're feeling. Nice one minute, assy the next. 

Time to step up and be who I want to me. It is easier said than done but hey, no one said life was gonna be easy right?

Enough is enough. Seriously.   

And to whoever who took this picture… You can still chose to be this way if you like. Don't get me wrong, I don't condemn this. I’m just choosing to opt out of this heartache and moving on with life :) You can join me too if you like. But if you don't, its totally cool with me too :)