Thoughts, Thoughts, Feels

As years pass, I find myself more and more perplexed by my feelings which seem contrast pretty strongly from one another.

On the one hand, I've been feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I could shed a tear watching a good movie. Take for example,

this movie

or this movie

or when a person who I hold dear has to leave to go back to work, makes me friggin' bawl like a baby needing it's momma. It's as if my tear ducts have a mind of it's own!! Crazy. 

And well of course, all the not so pleasant stuff going on with my personal life nowadays.. I guess it's pretty much natural for me to also, just cry. And in these trying moments, I feel pretty much alone, with no one I can really turn to, nor anyone I could just call and spill my feelings out to. And since I have all this energy for seeking out friends to talk to, I've started chanting more and had the courage to speak back to myself and to critically start reflecting on my past (romantic) relationships. I'm happy to report that I believe I'm onto something here (though damn it's pretty damn hard to swallow all this about myself). 

I'd like to share it all, but to prematurely put my thoughts out would be my assumptive self trying to protect something. So instead, I'll just start with..

Recurring patterns in which my (last 2) relationships tend to play out:

1. No titles. I've wanted the relationship, but without the titles. For reasons that differ with each relationship. 

2. Our time together tended to include staying together a bunch (under the same roof)

3. I would try to convince myself that there is something worth pursuing, even though I would have other reasons as to why I should just let go before they do.

4. I didn't want to be the bad guy so I'd just convince myself to look on the bright side of the person/relationship. 

5. After convincing myself that leaving them is a bad idea, I would seek out the one thing I didn't want in the first place.

6. I'm left to pick up the pieces myself because they've gone to someone else. 

I think there's more. I need more time to get this list straight. 

Finding Myself

As you can see, my hand writing is a little messy. I'm quite rusty. It's been a while, and I had just wanted to take a break from everything with something artsy. A really nice break, and now back to work! 

In case the photo is too blurry/ messy, here is the quote:

"Ultimately, happiness rests on how you establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances nor in vanity. It is a matter of what you feel inside; it is a deep resonance in your life. To be filled each day with a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose, a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment -- people who feel this way are happy. Those who have this sense of satisfaction even if they are extremely busy are much happier than those who have time on their hands but feel empty inside."      -Daisaku Ikeda

Eggs

When I was a little kid, we had a maid who would make me these omelettes with cut chilis and it was basically my favorite omelette ever.

After she left us, I would often crave it and could never ever recreate it.

But today. That all changed. Not only did I make the exact replica, I also had Bacon in it.

Feeling so fucking accomplished right now. Mini success from all the not so pleasant feels lately.

Unfortunately I was too hungry and half awake to bother with a photo.  Next time, I promise.

A goal that is WAY over 10 years old, achieved by a half awake Kim in her jammas.  Dream on, babies.

Rough Time

Having a really tough time emotionally from a bunch of events taking place simultaneously.

Though I shouldn't be complaining too much. I'm letting my awesome self do things and be super confident still, and it's also working to my advantage. 

But generally, I'm taking an emotional backseat with some of the recent circumstances. And, sadly, in a way, so are my studies. It's not REALLY bad, but can be better. 

Anyway, I've also had the immaculate privilege to host some fantastic people. They have in their short stay with me, have inspired and supported me so well. 

A beautiful friend of mine, Akko, found this podcast and has encouraged me to listen to it as it has given her a new perspective on relationships (specifically the podcast I'm downloading in the photo. Link here) It's like a Japanglish salad that interchanges so conveniently that I feel like I understand Japanese, even though I didn't even study THAT much too begin with, and had basically forgotten most of it. 

Listening to it has made me feel slightly elated, and relieved in a distracted way. Not sure if that's a good thing, but it's pretty helpful now. If you need anything to take your mind off things, or to just immerse yourself in a bilingual setting, this may just be the help you need. 

Thank you Akko!! (: Again, link here. 

Warning: Explicit/sexual stuff. Listen without the presence of children I guess...

Saturday Softies

My freshman year in college (this was 6 years ago), I was at a classmate's room with my current roommate.
Let's just call them A (classmate) & B (roomie).

We were all little, and this had been a year or so after I had been introduced to Bigbang's Haru Haru song. Here's the little video (I'd recommend watching it, if you know how the members look like now, this will be a mini shocker):

And for some reason we had brought up the topic of Bigbang so B decides to show us both the video. So since I've seen it pretty recently, the story line was not much of a surprise for me. But of course, watching the sad bits of the music video was a little heart breaking. But I definitely was not expecting any sort of tears.

I, of course shed no tears. Neither did B. But when we turned to look at A who, throughout the whole video had been making vocal reactions to the video with the "aww"s, and "oh no he didn't"s, she was tearing up as though whatever that occurred in the video was real.

This was my first time seeing someone so emotional and so that took me aback. But nonetheless was pretty humorous at the time as we had to calm her down.

Fast forward a couple years, A and I felt that we needed a break from all the stress and so decided to go catch a matinee as they're light on our wallets and does the same job. So we watched Death At A Funeral. Which was just a mess in my opinion. Here's a sample of it:

If you've seen it, you might know that there was a huge commotion but at the end of the movie, the son of the deceased (played by Chris Rock) stands up after having enough of the commotion and does an eulogy. Then there was so much silence.. so I look over and A is bawling. Tears RUNNING down her cheeks and again I thought it was hilarious yet so sweet!





* to be continued