Week Two: "And I Built A Home"

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home

And I built a home
For you
For me

Until you disappeared
From me
From you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground has arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of his skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down

Held on as tightly as you held onto me

And I built a home
For you
For me

Until you disappeared
From me
From you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust.

Day 13

You know how my dog bites my shoes in all her puppy frustration and I would get mad at her, but only for the moment? After she gives me her puppy eyes I melt once again in guilt and it's instant forgiveness. I sometimes wonder if that's how my parents feel when they were raising us.

Were they the kinds to let it go because I was genuinely crying in apology or if they stuck it out to really teach me a lesson?






I've already let go of the fact that I've been hurt repeatedly in such a short period of time. I've come to terms with the fact that what's done is now done. And my urge to say something to you is so immense, it's a menial task. I've forgotten about the anger, but despite it all, what I still feel most is the pain. 

It's like the fully rounded pupils of my dog when she bats her puppy eyes at me in apology. My heart's already melted and ready for things to go to the next point, where you're nurturing me back to health when I'm sick. Like how my dog and I play ball after I've forgiven her for chewing through my expensive slipper. The only difference is, I don't see it, and there is no apology. Neither is there a play ball, where we get to go out, explore, or just stay in and cuddle in bed as I watch some though provoking movie and you fall asleep, again. 

It already feels like a year has passed since that last happened. 




So,

Did they let it go, or stuck it out to really teach me a lesson?
They chose the latter.


I've also learnt to see the valor in the latter but I also want the lesson to be over already. 

I Once Watched A Video (Part II)

(cont..)



The night before the wedding, he went missing. There was not a goodbye, nor a warning. He just disappeared. Needless to say...

she went looking for him. Only to find a box for her. 

*     *     *

In the box were the things he'd gotten, memorabilia, letters, and the rings. 

Needless to say, she began to question his intentions. "Why would he do that if he really loved me?" 

Bundled with the rings was a letter. In it he asked:

"Dear (let's name her) V,

What's my favorite dish? Do you know what my favorite book is? What about my favorite movie? 

You don't know. Because in these five years, we'd only eat your favorite dishes, read your favorite books, and watched the movies you love. 

Fact is, you don't know me at all. So how can you say that you love me? 

You only loved the kindness that I've given to you" 

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

Part III

I Once Watched A Video.

I once watched a video about a person who had the perfect relationship.

Actually, she had what seemed like the funnest of lives. She had guys falling at her feet, chasing after her... until she met "the one".

In the speaker's story, she recounted how special she felt. How well he treated her, and the sweetness levels during that relationship was diabolical. She remembered:
How he'd take her to her favorite restaurants, how he'd peel the prawns for her, and how he'd order the food because he was so familiar with what she liked to eat. Everything was going well, and they were engaged to be married after dating for (if I recall correctly, 5 years). Then, the night before the wedding, he went missing. There was not a goodbye, nor a warning. He just disappeared. Needless to say...

she went looking for him. Only to find a box for her. 

(cont..)

Who's A Hot Mess?

Whoa.

The last month has been such an insanely busy one!
I've taken yet another break from the blogging because I was busy conducting work/catching up with school, and... my life in general.

From my current position, looking at myself, I am somewhat of a mess.

I just found out that:

1. The Visa I had intended on getting cannot be obtained with my current Visa.
2. After this semester, I only have till August to LEARN and make all the mistakes I can make in my Korean learning process.
3. Everyday is a conscious and painful effort to focus on my work, and not on the social media of the person I wish I could talk to instead.
4. I'm starting to wonder if I'm sane anymore. Especially with what I say. I could've sworn that I said A, but I end up getting an angry recount of what I said because I've offended the opposite party. That or what they recall is definitely different from what (I can positively attest to) I've said.
5. This one isn't particularly pressing but. For the school club activities, pizza parties have been scraped, and so have... performing (especially so for Dance and Singing Club. What's the point if we don't showcase the awesome stuff we've learnt?)
 6. I'm worried about my future, and my family, especially my parents and how they're taking care of their health :( & also my beloved doggy. Mom told me that she was really sad when I went away for 2 days (after going home), so much so, she didn't wanna eat. That breaks my heart.

One good news is I managed to complete Level 4, albeit barely. I made it! But it still scares me that I just barely made it :( That means I have a lot to work on as I work through all the other stuff. Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing cuz thankfully I have two REALLY AMAZING teachers. One from my last semester, whose classes I really enjoy, and the other who knows her stuff at a godly level, and is really diligent in teaching us :)

With all that said, I have so many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for being able to afford to live in a place that has heating. It's no longer winter but it's still pretty cool out, and having hot showers is most definitely something to be thankful for.
2. The classmates I have this semester are pretty great.
3. My roommate makes having a roommate easy. She's super open to new things, she talks a lot, thus is CONSTANTLY keeping my (also) talkative self entertained at all times.
4. My students' moms really like me, and as much as I am no professional, it is always truly heartwarming to hear them tell me that their kid says "that was fun!"and one of them has offered me a job at her center with a visa and housing too. Something to consider & be absolutely grateful for.
5. I get to get my beautiful voice heard on the Korean airwaves, and I get to meet some really nice people when I work at the radio station. An opportunity that nothing can really replace (:
6. People around me are not terminally ill and I get to still hang out with them even if they're physically remote from me. Something that I've often taken for granted. :(
7. I got to meet up with my home boys and girls, and just the fact that I got to fly home to do that with no hiccups, is tear jerking, painfully GOOD.

I think I've lost myself a little bit. 

Now, it's up to me to make things work. 
Time to get back up. 

Time?

 You know how people describe time moving in a certain way when they're doing a certain something/being with someone?

For example, when they say that a day feels like a year, when they're not with someone, like their beloved pet/their family/loved ones. And feels like everything goes by in a flesh because they're in the presence of said person?

I think I get it.

I'm in an emotional place where I feel that everyday passes so slowly and by the 31st day of absence, it feels like a long time has passed, and yet not so because I had been pre-occupied with whatever tasks I have at hand like school, my work, and all those things.

While I still can't fully/accurately explain nor articulate this time continuum that's eluding me, I do want to say that as I'm sitting here and typing this out, I'm feeling like a heavy pull of the clock ticking. However, I also feel simultaneously how my clock has managed to move so quickly since my lunch break and how I had intended to go to a cafe to study but ended up sitting at home instead.

Every passing moment seems rather painfully long but the clock keeps telling me otherwise.