I Applied for a Job at Google

I applied for a job at Google.

This just happened a second before I began writing this.

But today, after a renewed confidence, I decided it was time to really push myself to get the job I really want so I am able to stay in Seoul with a job that fits every single criteria.

I started by fixing up my résumé. After writing up my Korean résumé (CV, more like), I was beginning to feel as if there was a lack of something. I wasn't putting in as much information as I should and I had limited myself to keeping my résumé at only 1 page. As a fresh college grad, that seemed acceptable. But now that it has been a good 3 years, it was time for a revamp. So I did a quick Google search:

My god. This whole time I was wondering WHY NO ONE WANTED TO HIRE ME. 

Silly Billy. 

So there I was. I saw the job at Google that finally fit my abilities: language. 

And sat there revamping my résumé. Afterwards, in the bottom most section of the application there was a Cover Letter section stating that there was no need for one. But I still felt the need to write one so here it goes:

While one's work experiences and success stories are a positive indicator of one's success, a bigger, more significant but forgotten trait is one's daily practices. In a society where work has become a sole index of one's success, many have become blinded to only one's financial stability as a means of achieving success. Upon achieving financial stability or status, many become cold and inattentive towards their contributions as a member of society. Enthused neither by the need to make small contributions such as helping an elderly member cross the street, nor bigger contributions such as fighting for equal rights. Many have become blindsided by the need for comfort and status, thus becoming mere observers instead of taking a stance and helping others. "To create a steady stream of global citizens that contribute to society" was the motto of Soka University of America (SUA), my alma mater of four years. A university founded upon Buddhist principles, Soka means to create value in Japanese. As a result, the students who attended SUA were constantly encouraged to seek the bigger pictures in daily life. Students were challenged on a daily basis to apply all the learnt knowledge towards their daily lives, and in the long run, towards contributing towards causes for an equal and peaceful society. Despite my initial negativity and rejection, by the end my four years at SUA, I carried a heart overflowing with appreciation and gratitude for the four marvelous and life altering years. The four years at SUA were challenging to say the least as it was a balancing act between two athletic sport practices, extra-curriculum activities, a part-time job, while overloading on classes. On the flip side, never having obtained a good grades throughout all my academic years, SUA made a once pessimistic student enthusiastic about learning through their interactive and integrative environment. All the classes offered many room for personal and academic growth by nurturing students' innate curiosity and drive. For example, Physics lessons were not about how well one could do the calculations. Instead, students were told to put themselves in the shoes of the first scientists by asking the question "what can I do to find the solutions to these questions?". Then, after seeking out the solutions, students were asked how they were able to transfer these skills toward understanding culture, society, and systems. Then, through comprehension, to revisit and revise methods in improving the justice systems, education, the environment, and ultimately, society. As a proud alumni of SUA, I believe that the invaluable education and lessons I have obtained during my four years serves as a beneficial addition to my experiences. Keeping my alma mater's motto close at heart, I am confident that I will serve as a valuable addition to Google as a Language Specialist team.

But really, Google, if you're reading this (since blogspot IS under Google and I'm sure you have access of this), I felt the strong need to talk about SUA and how that has shaped me as who I am today. And to SUA, I want to say a big fat 

for playing such a magnanimously beautiful part of my formative years (I am a late bloomer you see). 

Thank you for having so much faith in me and for pushing me while teaching me all I need to learn. 

Regardless of whether I get this job, I am truly proud to have been able to apply for this job and the process it took for me to also share my appreciation for my alma mater and all those who were, and still are a part of this amazing institution. 

I tilt my head off to you and to Google, I say, thank you as well for opening up this opportunity for 

me.

Good evening.

3 Months in a Nutshell

Wow crocodiles.

I can't believe it has been 3 months since my last update. So much has happened since I thanked my beloved father for his endless dedication to making our family's lives a happier, healthier, and more comfortable one. Once again, thanks dad! In real life though, I had JUST gotten off the phone with our family man too so I'm feeling extra filial atm.

Any Hooters. 

As I was saying, a shit ton has happened since my last post. And after what happened today, I think it was most definitely due time for a much much anticipated & needed update.

So Kim, what happened today?

Glad you asked, Chip!
But before I go into that, let me just really quickly run through what has occurred over the last 3 months:

1. For starters, yours truly had so much fun in Level 6. Oh man. The workload sure was something! My classmates, fellow Level 6-ers, and I were bombarded with Power Point presentations (which I always made extra effort for, even if we only got 1 damn point for it), group presentations, prep work, or some sort of extra point big presentation (where we took up certain roles or did something big like have an official interview with video/audio recordings), not to mention, the workbook exercise that seems to come too quickly on top of our essays, readings, and well, you get the picture.

2. I had the usual work of tutoring my 6 year old student. Which has been fun as usual.

3. Level 6 ended finally! And while all my examination points (which included the Reading, Writing, Speaking, and Listening section) added up to give me a pretty good grade in total, I was unfortunately not given a "graduation certificate". The reason being, for each section, there was a minimum grade to be achieved. Sadly for Kim, her Reading grade was not met. Thus, making Kim unworthy of the certificate. To which I was rather disappointed (let's be real, who wouldn't be, right?), but came to terms with. I've accepted it, and I also have come to understand that I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I know Korean because...

4. I translated 2 whole experiences from Korean to English all on my own. With literally no help. Only for certain words that were absolutely foreign (specific terminology that they don't really teach you in school) so yay! See what I told you?

5. Telling people (especially my parents) about me not passing Level 6 was not very fun because for my parents... Wait, funny story actually, my dad was under the impression that I was in grad school or something T_T (aww..) but of course I explained it to him and he was REALLY sweet about it. He understood it and, like many of my concerned friends asked: "well, are you gonna take the exams again?" The answer is, no. Simple: If I were to do so, I'd have to retake the classes. Do EVERYTHING (in Level 6) all over again, all the presentations, group work, etc, AND THEN take the exams again. Nah. Not worth the time, money, not effort. So instead...

6. When my roommate (who is now in Level 3) started classes, I got her to buy me the reference book for Level 6 to help me understand what I still struggle with. Self help. Yas.

7. But of course, now that Level 6 is over, I have begun to live on my savings and have been job hunting like a mad woman. The initial hunt was dreadful. There were too many jobs that rejected me from the get go with conditions stating "NO SPONSORSHIP WILL BE PROVIDED" or they were jobs I had ZERO expertise in such as engineering.

my sentiments exactly.

8. When I did finally find jobs I could work, it was either unpaid (yeah, cuz I feed my hungry tummy with rays from the sun), or strictly no visa sponsorships will be provided

9. I celebrated my birthday! YAY! I'm out of the quarter life mark, aka no more crisis.. Maybe..?

10. Until one day when I was going to meet a friend to discuss some potential YouTube stuff, she led me to the company on the pretense that I was going to work for them & had an impromptu interview. Then after an hour listening to the CEO tell me what my process was going to be (which was 3 month probation then full time job with visa sponsorship), I was honored the privilege of hearing him yap away about the potential and how he would love to help me grow, I applied to that company after taking a full day trying to figure out what to say for my "cover letter" which was basically answering a ton of questions which leads me to today

11. I got called in for a 2nd interview today, and I showed up on time (remembering how the CEO said his BIGGEST pet peeve was tardiness), actually I showed up early to avoid all that, but for starters, he wasn't even in (oookay). So instead the "Team Manager" interviewed me. He was a lot less friendlier than our first meeting (which included ALL three company heads ie Mr Team Manager) which should have been a tell tale sign. Next, he seemed to be in a rush for something but was patient enough to give me the time of day by asking me if I had any questions. Which I did and fired away. The answers I got back were all starting to match my criterion about my job hunt. They're pretty straightforward: 

• Visa sponsorship
• A job in the field I was passionate about (which is entertainment and they WERE an entertainment company)
• One that'll develop my skills, knowledge & experience 
• Friendly, equal, healthy, happy work environment
• Good pay

Of these 5 conditions, most of them were met. Maybe not so much the pay for now, but being in a 3 month probation period, you don't wanna overcompensate, I get it. The money should last me for those 3 months. So, of course, there was a part of me that was like "NEHHHH too good to be true". But off I was, looking for the right visas to apply for to begin this process. However, I came to an impasse. I would either apply for a 3 month temp work visa (for the probation period), or if I already have an annual contract, to just get a full employment one. That's when I found out that my probation period was not 3 months as stated in the 1st impromptu interview and the interview today, but was FIVE months. Confused I corrected him only to get a firm denial stating that they said FIVE months. Still confused, I messaged the CEO in the group chat, recounting the ENTIRE thing from our impromptu till the very last message. 

The response I got from the CEO was: "Well, I believe that I said our probation period was FIVE months." But my friend having been there during our impromptu, chimed in and vouched that he DID say 3 months. Only for him to say "well, looks like there has been a miscommunication between the speaker and the listener. But let me say this. In Korea (IN KOREA), the probation period for workers is 3 to 10 months (man, no wonder Korea has a high rate of suicide), and for our company, the probation period is 5 months. So after all the back and forth, my friend called me and said, Kim, just let it go. They're not being fair. So just thank them for the opportunity, explain that 3 months would've worked (realistically speaking) but 5 months is just too much of a strain. So I explained just that and thanked them for the opportunity and left the group chat. 

So obviously this news had to go to my parents. 

After listening, mom's advice was:

"ALWAYS write it down. Then at the end of the thing, repeat it so you're both in the same understanding"

Dad called me separately to remind me that this wasn't the end of the world. He reminded me that there are always better things out there that are waiting for the perfect timing. He reminded me not to despair and to keep my head up as tomorrow is a new day. Them being in Europe, he still kept his child in mind and told me to call it a night so I am fueled for the next day. 

Needless to say, this was a valuable lesson. Both mom and dad have their valid points. But tomorrow is a new day. So I shall just focus on that. But I hope that my situation has also shed some light on your own experiences and life. I hope that you don't do the same mistakes I do. Or, DO. Because it is through these mistakes that we remember and when have something to laugh about, as a reminder of how far we have come. 

Looking at today, I can say that I am blessed to have parents that are so kind and understanding. Patient in listening to their daughter while also being encouraging without pressuring me. An experience I truly admire, and appreciate. Thus, I felt the strong urge to share it with you, my fellow readers & comrades in life. 

To that, I say cheers. On to bigger, better things. 

Good night. 

12. Oh I'm also cat sitting and am starting to get the hunch that the owner doesn't really want it anymore..? HAHA

To My Superman, Dad

One of my earliest memories I've had was me in my little red pinafore around the age of 4/5 going to a Chinese kindergarten. Then, the uniform was as such that little girls had to wear red pinafores to school. And the only thing that I can recall about that dark dark time (in my opinion pretty darn dark because I could speak zero Mandarin then), besides peeing my pants in front of everyone, was my dad in his necktie, carrying me as I cried and said I didn't wanna go to school.

Another memory I have (though I can honestly say with full conviction that I have ZERO memories of this) of my dad and I is this one photo of me when I was a tiny little baby. He was holding baby me by the back of my neck while propping me up by my bum.

I remember seeing that photo for the first time when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It's actually my dad's favorite photo of me. For as long as I can remember, my dad has always talked about it. He must really like that photo haha.

But enough about all these little snippets of memories. As I write this, looking back today in retrospect, I can't quite recall my dad being very vocal about things. When it came to punishing us, mom was always the one in charge. Whenever it came to us asking the parents for permission, it was always/ mostly through mom's approval. Dad seldom got mad, but instead would get impatient. He'd get impatient when we would get ready to go out to eat. He was always (even till this very day) the first to be downstairs and ready to head out. It's as if his insatiable love and passion about food motivates him to be on his toes, ready for his feast. He wouldn't say it but I guess deep down we all knew that dad was just tremendously excited to be trying out the new restaurants that he had heard about (especially since it was all word-of-mouth then). Needless to say, dad's true love, besides mom, was food. But that love was also translated in the fantastically amazing yet simple cooking. Both my parents are amazing cooks and I've learnt so much from the both of them. Growing up, I always remember dad in his apron & his top off, cooking for us but also calling out to me to make sure I'm standing next to him so I could "learn how to cook". He used to follow it by saying "I tell you ah, next time it'll come in handy when you go to university". And actually, it was my dad who taught me how to cook for the first time in my life. The first thing I learnt how to cook (instant noodles do not count) was fried eggs.

I was about 8 years old. It was a Sunday morning, and the night before, dad had told me that he was going to teach me how to fry an egg. Then, we lived in a house where our "wet" kitchen was actually not within the house. But sorta adjacent to the kitchen door (we had 2 entrances to the house, one the main door, which was used when guests came/ late at night, the other, the kitchen door). I used what felt like a giant kuali and fried my first ever egg. I remember that morning, I was so excited to learn it that I sprinted down to fry the egg and started without my dad (I had seen the adults do it so many times I figured it was a piece of cake to do it myself. And of course, SUCCESS!) then as I was almost done frying my first egg, he appeared and said that it looked good! I could remember the overwhelming feeling I got from a successful fried egg + dad's approval + most importantly, not killing myself haha. Right afterwards, he got me to fry 4 more & I was more than happy to do so. Possibly one of the best days of my life, etched in my memory for the rest of my life. 

Dad was always excited about food. He taught my brother and I how to eat steak, salmon, to use cutlery properly, and even why it's important to know how to use chopsticks. Since we (my brother and I) were young, he and mom had always done everything in their power to make sure that we were well exposed to various kinds of tastes, cultures, and backgrounds. If you know me well enough, you'd know that I'm always super down to try new things. Be it foods, books, activities, or even fashion styles, I'm always down. And it's all thanks to my parents. My parents also made it a point to get both of us to learn how to do menial tasks. From whistling (this is also another one of my favorite memories! But I'll save that for another time), to changing a light bulb, dad (& mom) taught us to how to buy newspaper from the uncle downstairs without being scared. Now you know where I learnt how to do so many things.

So today, I honor not only my father, but both my parents for being supportive of one another, and for teaching me that both mom and dad are equal. What mom can do, dad can as well. Vice versa. Growing up, I never saw the binary of what men should only do, etc. Instead, I saw both my parents on equal playing fields as men & women and I'm tremendously grateful for having such fantabulous parents like these two individuals (although like every human being, they have their flaws and I can't stand them sometimes -They, me too, I'm sure-) but both of them have taught my brother and I ample things that many seem to take for granted.

So thank you, mom & dad. Thank you for being such superheroes!


Love ya!

Cookie Monster Cleans

It is official crunch crunch Cookie Monster on a binge crunch time for Kim.

I have completed week 1 of my final quarter/ semester of Korean classes and the search for a job has become more urgent than ever.

And so, if you haven't already done so, you'll know that if you type my name in on Facebook, you'll see my beautiful face. Annnddd before you ask "wait, Kim, didn't you...?" to which I shall respond. HOLD YOUR HORSES. It's on for a reason. I needed to contact humans urgently and so had it on. But I also remembered that my previous self had joined groups for non-teaching job seekers and had been browsing for potential jobs. That and only that reason. I use it neither to stalk, post, nor scroll newsfeed at all. NADA.

And in my search for jobs, I found this company that said they were constantly looking for people to write for them. And so I emailed them with my samples from my previous job alongside my Twitter & blog. After 3 days of back and forth emailing, this came...

Needless to say, I am rather excited. In one of the emails, the said person had informed me that they're launching a new magazine that is looking to explore an area of luxury in Korea. This gets me excited, not only because I get to continue working on my craft, but I get to do some work that I really really enjoy. It's been a while since I got to go out and do work like this, and so this gives me immense joy. I really hope that things work out.

But despite all this excitement, the hunt is still on. I still need a work that'll provide me with a visa to stay in Korea for the long haul. So before I strap on my invisible I shall be undefeated! bandana, excuse me while I go deep clean my bathroom.

A Bizarre Spiritual Encounter

I had the most bizarre event happen to me today.

It was a nice, cool day out, with winds, and some soft sunlight that greeted me as I waiting for my student to arrive home from school for her English tutoring (I did this outside the building, the waiting, I mean).

As I listened to the husky, caressing, sweet voice of Adele, I stood basking in the sun, taking in the soft tinge that was accompanies by the gentle breeze that made me feel like I was meant to be on the cover of a magazine. In that moment, I was lost. My mind empty, filled only with the voice of Adele, my senses that welcomed the flapping dark teal cloth that made up my pants, and the soft rays. But in that moment, as I admired the welcoming warmth of the sun, I somehow felt this pull towards it. As if my spirit was nudging it's way out of my body toward the sun, following the wind, up up away towards the warmth.

It was a strange feeling, as if my spirit wants to be removed from my body (naturally, of course, not from any freak accidents or any of that sort), into another state of tranquility. I'm not sure if this was my first time, in my accounts, I remember that I'm rather poor at recounting certain events that have occurred in my life. But today, in my blue/green attire, I felt my spirit move, like an unclear signal on 80s colored television sets, nudging in and out of frame.

It was at that moment that I recalled and perhaps had a slightly better comprehension of the saying "died of a broken heart". In my opinion, it's not the broken heart that's caused the death, but more like the sudden immense appreciation of nature and the environment around one that has been channeled from the pain that causes one's spirit to leave this concurrent world. As if signaling for the ethereal.

Afterwards, I was very tired physically, and somehow was at a loss for words. As if that episode drew all the energy I had left for the day.

3 Weeks, Out.

Over the last three weeks, I took a hiatus.

Only contacting people who I wanted to see, an attending events/doing things that I really wanted to do. I crossed off bucket lists, added to my own "criminal" reputation (it's just a speeding ticket haha I'm mocking the officer who said the speed I was at minus 7mph was criminal haha), visited quite a good amount of places, and all on my own expense.

In the last 3 weeks, I had the marvelous privilege of watching a fantastic author receive his honorary doctorate degree from Yale, meet up with fantastic individuals, cozied in with some amazing people who treat me like family, have chats with my former professors, bawled my eyes out to people who then smothered me with hugs, love, encouragement, and a refreshed sense of determination & heart, and basically, have the rare opportunity to have heart-to-heart conversations about life, and emotions. In the last 3 weeks, I cried, laughed, sang, hugged (A LOT), talked, and listened to so much, that I feel prepared again for what's to come.

Instead of bombarding you with all these words, I'll just leave some of these here...

when you go get Kickin' Crab and the soccer match is on

Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

What A Week!

WOW.

What a week it's been.

While things had seemed to be a little routine, small things would take me by surprise. One after another.




Monday was all quiet, just a day of doing homework and doing what is needed.

Tuesday 

was the day I had a chance to have a nice decent conversation with someone I'm always really nervous around. I got to know this person a little more and that always makes my day a little better. I also learnt that despite being insanely skinny, this person still feels insecure about the body. That was pretty cool to absorb, but what was also cool was this person's ability to eat fried chicken 4 times a month and still remain in that frame *envy*. To top things off, my student was also being pretty good at her work despite feeling a little under the weather.

Wednesday 

was pretty loud as it was the day we had to figure out assigned work for each individual within my group for our little survey project. The results were also really cool cuz I got to learn that even a celebrity like G-Dragon will use all the coupons he has on the fried chicken he orders. Not only that, G-Dragon and Daesung actually drinks wine with their fried chicken. Definitely a first. Not to mention Daesung's water pairing with fried chicken. Which isn't too surprising because in my stingy self, I also avoid ordering soda and settle for water instead. But to have it as a choice drink was hilarious. A fantastic reminder that celebrities are human, and we should calm down lol.

Thursday

was the day I found out my cousin was coming to town but didn't bother telling me. So I was a little disappointed. But it also worked out well cuz I also got to make plans with our friends who I was super stoked to see on Saturday. I also had lunch with my classmates and a classmate from Level 4 and it was a good reflection of myself and how I've been handling my relationship situations. Which isn't too well. But all good because I needed the reminder.

Friday

was great cuz I slept.. quite a fair amount. Granted, not enough to make up for the lost sleep but good enough :) I basically stayed home to nurse my headache. But I also really wanted some grilled pork so I went to get some alone. The other day in class, we had a discussion on doing things alone, and how you never really see anyone doing things alone + how there are all these levels.. where certain levels are for example, reading at a cafe, to traveling alone, to grilling your own meat at a BBQ restaurant... Truth is, those things stopped bothering me after a while. It used to bother me soooo much but I outgrew that, thank goodness. And I had been wanting to have some grilled pork for so long and was impatient with waiting for someone to go with me. So I just went. IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I also got to check out a cool scene for my short video contest! Once it's done, I'll share it and y'all have to help me share it on Facebook okay? :)

Saturday 

was super fun. Though it started with some attitude from my student, but ended well cuz we played games and she really enjoyed it, and she didn't have to be punished for being bored (something I definitely cannot blame her for). Then it was filming with Sun and basically doing touristy stuff on the campus that I, by nature, don't do because I go there. Then, it was meeting my friends and beloved cousin...

(cont'd)

Small Victories

My parents once told me that when I was learning how to write, I started out as a lefty and then some how somewhere along the lines I became a righty. It's pretty interesting because one of the early memories I had as a child was my hands having personas. And my right hand felt really annoyed and tired because it had to write and practically do everything.

So since I was a senior in college, I had started getting into the groove of using my left hand, starting with drawing class. But it wasn't till 2 years ago, when I was dating this lefty that I really wanted to be able to write with my left hand.
So for about... a year now (after seeing my ambidextrous colleague write cursive with her left hand and then also do so naturally with her right hand), I've been training my left hand in an effort to be ambidextrous. So far, one thing that feels like second nature now is actually brushing my teeth. I've also gotten good with doing the dishes and needs more work on buttoning with only my left hand but on and off, I would also write with my left hand. Usually the words would be the size of a dinosaur egg that looks like a toddler's handwriting. But today, I wrote a full paragraph of my essay with my left hand. It's still a bit of a struggle but I've managed to reduce my words to a decent size, and at a speed the Kim last year would be really envious of.

It definitely still leave much more to be desired but I am really happy with the improvement I've made so far.

Child Unrushed.

I've had fried chicken twice this week.
I think it's time for me to workout.

Interestingly enough tho, I've also been able to study a little more this weekend which was nice.
I even made breakfast this morning with my home grown plants.. Uh... again I forgot the photos but I made:

1. Fried mushrooms with onions, garlic and rosemary
2. Omelette with roasted peppers
3. Potato wedges with dill 
4. Cucumber and Wakame salad in sesame oil, lemon juice, and soy sauce

It was so nice to have woken up at a good hour of the day and make food without having to worry about rushing to some place... It was nice to actually use all of my kitchen in it's fullest capacity and to just enjoy the yummy food I made for myself.

I also briefly checked out the bazaar that was going on in my area and saw the Hanbok (traditional Korean outfit) inspired dress that I had been eyeing for a REALLY long time. Sidenote, you know how they say that if you sleep on the potential purchase and still REALLY want it for a really long time, then you should get it? It's funny cause I was recently (as in a couple days ago) thinking to myself that I should get the dress if I see it again. So when I saw it today, I got to try it on.

AND!

I ended up walking away from it. 

One, it wasn't cheap. It was 99,000won which is about $95 and

Second, not only was it a little tight around my elbows BUT

Third, it was a little shorter around the shoulders (granted I did have a T-shirt on but it really shouldn't be THAT significant of a difference. 

Fourth, the lady says she only makes clothes in ONE size.

Fifth, it was 99,000won.. wait, I already said that. BUT seriously

WHUT

What a shame.

Even after so long of not being able to sell it, she still wouldn't part with it at a lower price.

(I actually had fallen in love with it in once in July-ish, then again in November, and then today was just a little disappointing)

But anyway, I came home tonight after studying & finishing half my essay, to this and man... I got goosebumps. 

Not sure bout you but me gots some major goosebumps

DAMN.

Enough bout me tho, how was YOUR weekend?

hi. how was your week(end)? Good, I hope. 

How do I?

My emotions have been up and down recently due to a variety of things going on.

I've also been challenging myself to link myself to positive things and in doing so, feed away from the less pleasant emotions that have been gently biting at my heart.


So if you are new here and have not been reading my previous posts, I was broken up with a few months ago. I shall spare you the details and instead just go straight to the point. I was broken up with because essentially, I wasn't the person of choice.

Now, with that said, I wasn't always the most honest person with my emotions either.
As a result, myself asking myself if I should or shouldn't let go of this person was what I kinda battled with until I unexpectedly got a goodbye.

To which after, I just became ridden with regret. 

But with all that said and done, I'm not gonna lie but I hate being the one who breaks up with the person so I wait to be broken up with.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the way my emotions and psyche deals with relationships. And of late, it's made me more observant of other couples while being a little more impatient of my own character.


So going to the title, as you can see, is my question of How Do I?
How do I deal with this? I feel like such an amateur rookie it's not fun :(

Win Win Liao?

Today was pretty productive work wise.

It was the day post exams and so it was slightly more chill. Needless to say, I had fun in class.
After class, I made a delicious lunch of which I took no photos of but I shall describe it to you:

Lunch:
Fish fried in non spicy chilies, tempoyak, and mom's homemade sambal (THANK YOU MOMMA).
I also had beef broth marinated in some leftover kimchi.

&

for Dinner:
Squash, carrots, onions cubed, fried with sesame oil and salt over hot rice. Again, no photos cuz I was FAMISHED.

Then I went to a cafe, sat myself down and worked on my script for work tomorrow. The research was not as time consuming but trying to arrange my thought was insanely time consuming. Yesterday during my speaking test, the teacher who has been my teacher since last semester told me that my biggest problem with writing in Korean (granted prolly English too) is that I have TOO many things going on in my head. I'm just constantly expanding on my thoughts. I swear. Just one thing. ONE thing, the moment my brain latches onto it, it's full throttle. Imagine a giant oak tree of thoughts growing on steroids. HAHA. SO that was that.

But then as usual when I send out my regular daily thoughts to my Whatsapp buds, I got into a discussion with a friend which to me kinda just branched all over the place. As I just mentioned above, my thoughts are all over the place and so in the process of organizing it, I just end up sticking to the original topic, basically leaving the discussion hanging (I'm now starting to see a not-so-flattering trend in my life). So yeah, my friend let me win the discussion and I felt like ass afterwards. No, not the soft round bum, but the adjective you use to describe people who are the equivalent to the bi-product that exits said body part. Because...

is a term used when the human you're having a discussion with is egoistic and always wants to win the discussion. *points at self & grins nervously*

how are you doing today? I kinda miss having you as my mealtime buddy... ):

WHUT.

In full exam mode today and tomorrow.

Current status: Exams.

Current mode: Have to Study

Current mood:

Had a really eventful weekend and I'm a little bit at the point where I kinda just.. don't care.

I also got a haircut.
More to be revealed on my Instagram soon ;)

But tomorrow is speaking & listening. So I'm gonna turn my ears to the CD now.

Good night world. 

Good night to you especially. 

Happy Black Day

Day 29

I've been listening to some early 2010 mixes and wondering why time has passed by so slowly. It feels like forever since when it's not even been a full month...

Today in the spirit of Black Day (basically a day for single individuals to celebrate with the consumption of some very delectable Black Bean Noodles) I did just that.

I also downed 2 cups of coffee, was still insanely sleepy, but pulled through work & bought some herbs that I've been wanting to buy.

that's my friend's tea, but the other cup came later haha

Mint, Basil, Rosemary & Dill 

I also managed some Chia Seed + lemon water for the daily quench... But barely consumed water so now I'm feeling pretty dehydrated especially with the not-so-good air quality these days. Exams are next week though. Not only do I feel unprepared, but I am going to a concert this weekend to film for the film contest my school is holding. I'm getting pretty pumped yet am riddled with fear of how it wouldn't turn out.. hehe. Oh well. Gotta give it my best shot right?

why you have to go and make me like you? 

To Lifelong Travel Partners!

A friend and I were talking about marriage.

She's recently married and I...

I think I would like to get married many a times. The novelty of getting married from the cakes, the gifts, the reunion of people for a special occasion, the food, cake, and OMG the dress(!) are the sole reasons why I want to get married.

Yes Kim, they're called weddings. 

Something that she said kinda hit me though...

You know how people say "if you wanna know if the person is right for you, you travel with them"? The reason why they say that is because when you travel with someone, you come to learn about the person. Their true colors, specifically. Everything from their habits, their responses, to their pet peeves.

My friend said "marrying another person is like having a travel companion. A lifelong travel companion."

That really hit me because my parents are now in the phase where they're travelling the world, seeing things before they become too weak to walk. On their trips, they'll send photos of them to our group chats and they always look so fantastically joyful in them. Granted, we've also been travelling since I can remember, and plus, they met abroad. That... they've been "married" since even before they signed the papers... so to speak. And they're really happy together.

In the past, I've had some not-so-great and some pretty nice travel ventures with people. While some ended in a sour note, I've had some that were pretty damn great. Well. Sorta. To be honest, I've not travelled with enough people to say so. But the last time I travelled somewhere with someone (who wasn't my parents), I was in a crappy mood because we missed the train due to my tardiness. But the person who I was travelling with was such an angel and took very good care of me.

Travelling with parents is also another stressful thing (especially when they rely on you for translation), but more on that another time.

If marriage was as simple as just having "that lifelong travel partner", then I'd love to get married. Though if that really were the case, I would be much willing to give up on the novelty of a wedding and just use the money to go explore new territory.

With that said...

Be Mine? 

HA. Psych. I clearly have a longer way to go in terms of getting myself off the ground, and in a direction where I'm at absolute peace with myself before someone's inner peace can vibe with mine and would be willing to travel with me. Though some new stuff is in the midst of happening, where I travel and talk about it on video. So do stay tuned for more on that!

She Used To Be Mine

At one point or another in our past, present, and future life, we'll have moments where we kinda lose ourselves. It's a pretty normal occurrence in our lives. It's all a part of our growth process.

I never quite got it but it started making sense to me after I read somewhere that life, like making ceramics (I took that class when I was in college), where you have to throw the wet clay onto the hard surface to make sure that the clay becomes compact enough for you to mould it into something stable and solid. When I read that, I thought about how in order to grow, you need those hard blows in order to gather understanding of your life, thoughts, and experiences which then propels you to become the star shiny bright person you have the potential to be.

And in the times when you get these blows, it's perfectly normal and okay to lose yourself and forget all the mind blowingly great qualities that you possess. In the tough times, it's difficult to remind ourselves of what we have as we naturally use more of our energy toward facing the problems we're faced with. And in the last months, especially weeks, I've forgotten about all the great things that make me, me.

I wallowed in so much of my sorrow and had let go of my Kim-like qualities. It wasn't till my lone visit to this one cafe by the Han River that I heard this song. And there I wept. I wept over my homework and my 5th tea refill.

"she is gone, but she used to be mine" 

But yesterday after voicing out how lost I feel at this period of time, followed by a long walk with my friend across the Han River twice (one over a bridge that actually has markings to encourage people not to end their lives), I came to the painful conclusion that I've allowed myself to be stuck in that painful time.. a little too long. 

Short Thanks.

Since early February, there had been a pretty bad strain on my health from various sources of stress including mental and physical ones which could also stem from my body being in unfamiliar territory & weather.
My migraines have reached a whole new level, and I seem to be a little more prone to small illnesses.

Why is this important you ask?

Well, I'm not trying to gain pity. Its actually related to what I'm about to talk about below. So, my parents may not agree with this work preference but I have wanted to work at a club. For various reasons but the one reason was to just gain some experience and see how it's like first hand.
Lucky for me, the opportunity came about in an ad seeking part timers for the club and of course I jumped at it. I got to meet one of the owners and was really glad to see how nice they were in wanting to hire a foreigner.

So I got the job and was about to start my first shift this Saturday. I would work from 7.30pm-5.30am which I couldnt oppose because I could party that long anyway so NBD. But as things would have it, I came to see that it wouldn't work out as well as I thought it would. If you read my post about why I deactivated Facebook, you'll know that a bunch of stuff's been going on in my life. It was around that time that I was really struggling emotionally, mentally, in someways financially, and more importantly physically. My health was taking a beating even though it's no longer winter.

Not only was that the case, but I also saw that I didn't really have the sufficient amount of time to really focus on my most important task of the moment: my classes. I was quickly falling behind, and with another migraine in check, I had to call a day off from school to give my body the rest it needed. That one day set me back even more.

And so after long consideration and thinking it over for 2 weeks, I told my soon-to-be boss that I decided to take back my offer to work for them because of my health. Its quite disappointing to do because I not only really wanted to work there but I usually see to it that I complete whatever it is I set out to do. Today during my break time I got a message from the owner telling me not to worry and that she hopes to see me again soon. Not gonna lie, but that message actually made me feel a little better, and slightly took me out from under the weather.

And since my post on April 1st, I seemed to have gotten calmer and more relaxed. I'm slowly regaining my focus and last night I spent 3 solid hours preparing for a newspaper article presentation for class today and after explaining to my classmates the article, I felt a small boost.

To top things off, I got compliments on my outfit, claimed a free cup of Joe and after my recording at the studio today, my boss pulled me aside to voice her concerns about my visa and my stay here in Korea.
She also told me that the rapport between my colleagues and I are solid that she's kinda frustrated that it's taking so long to get my visa issues (for part time work) processed.

A topic which has been on the table for over a year since I started working at the station. But today made me think..

She really likes the rapport going on in the recording studio. But what if I was really sick and had to be hospitalized and can neither go to school, prepare for class, or even show how awesome this rapport is? (I'm riding this train of thought because I had a friend whom was recently hospitalized and still can't go to school because of her poor health condition)
What if in the case that I had lost these opportunities to do what I actually enjoy doing?

Its all what ifs and I do not wish they become a reality. However, this brings me to my point of being grateful for what I have. I get what people mean now when they say "be grateful for what you have". I have a voice that albeit isn't it's best because of my current cold and stuff but it's allowed me to greet my friends, meet people, say thank you, and put myself in a place where I can do work that I genuinely enjoy. 

And yes, my health issues took me a step back but thankfully I recovered in time for work a nd not have to worry about that.
What I'm saying is, I'm really glad that I as much as I'm not in tip top condition physically, I'm grateful that I still can stand up, cook myself breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Simple things like that is helping me give myself the boost I need as my emotional and mental states are also doing a slow recovery from the beating that I let happen to myself. A process which will happen to us once in a while because we're unfamiliar with how to deal with them.

But today as I walked to the subway station to the next thing on my schedule, I thought about how much I know I would potentially feel like I have to limit myself if something severe were to happen to me. It was at that moment that I felt a tad better than I was last week where I was standing on the streets crying through sunglasses blanketed by condensation from my tears.

I won't be surprise if this thought gets short lived if it does happen, but for now, I wanna share this moment with you and I hope that you join me in this train ride even if it'll be short lived.

손을 잡아줘요 Let Me Hold Your Hand

Let me hold your hand

Again and again and again

I want you to come back

I want you to love me again

Your hands that used to hold my hand

Let me feel how warm it was again

So hold my hand once more

Let me feel your warmth

The wind is blowing and it's cold

Let me hold your hand

Again and again and again

I want you to come back

I want you to love me again

Your arms that used to hug me

I want to know how warm it was again

On that last night, we said goodbye

I turned around and only cold tears fell 

Hug me once more

Let me feel your love

My heart is empty so it's cold

Let me hold your hand

Again and again and again

I want you to come back

I want you to love me again

I said 1, 2, 3 you

Today I ask that you 

Take one step back towards me

1, 2, 3 you

Today I ask for one step

4, 5, 6

Let me hold your hand

Again and again and again

I want you to come back

I want you to love me again

It's so cold without you

You were so warm

I can't go on if things end like this

Let me hold your hand

Again and again and again

I want you to come back

I want you to love me again

I await the day you become a fucking awesome being, and I become this fucking awesome being. 

So awesome will we be that when we reunite, we'll be unstoppable.

Today Was A Good Day

Today was a good day.

My legs are sore, I'm even more confused in class than I have ever been, and my nose is still stuck.
But today was a good day.

I actually took the morning off and accompanied my friend before his flight back home. A friend of mine had been staying with me for the past 2 weeks and this morning I decided to take him to my favorite bagel place and then a cup of coffee. We just sat at the cafe, staring out toward the university campus and just chilled. We also talked pretty lightly about dealing with problems, and ended up taking photos with Cherry Blossoms which were pretty great.

Then it was off to school and sit in class while I try to figure out what vocab means what HAHA.

After school, I headed out to help my roommate get her roommate while grabbing my dance teacher one as well. Recently, I learnt that her mom was in the hospital getting treated for cancer, and since, she'd seem to have lost even more weight. Might I also add that this woman is pretty skinny, and should not be losing any more weight. Last week, I noticed how thin the back of her hands looked, and so for this week, my roommate and I decided to get her the bagel. So I did just that, and had another light conversation with the Bagel Man (the dude who owns the place), and he kinda told his employees about my dream to become and entertainer. They were all really sweet about it, but I got kinda shy about it... :/

Then dance class came. And man, do I always go into it confused as ever. We learn it TOO FAST. 2 classes and we're basically running through the dance moves. Today, we learnt yet another crazy part of song #2 even though it's only the... 3rd class. Man, teacher, teaching too fast T_T
But yeah, I think the reason why I'm so sore is because of the dance. My legs... They've actually been in pretty bad shape the last few days.. My muscles were super tight.. I think also from yesterday's sleep-in.. I slept the whole day as a result of my migraine which came to me the night before, and evolved into a full blown migraine when I was supposed to wake up for school. Even lost my appetite till the evening. I guess my REALLY needed to rest...
So today, after waking my muscles up from the dance, I can safely say, dance got me super sore.

Then, after doing my news article search for class, I headed to my student's house to teach her English. Ah, my student is such a jem. But can be quite distracted pretty easily. Even then, every time I leave, she'll always send me off and be super adorable each time. Man, I'm so grateful for that child. I need to up my game as a teacher. Need to get her excited again as things are getting more challenging for her. Go Kim, go!

After buying vegetables and explaining to the store manager why I don't want plastic bags when he asked, I told him that I wanted to save the environment and I have WAY too much at home (which I'm still figuring out HOW to use them). I got my veges, and they arrived at my home when I did! Then I made me some delicious soup and am now telling you about my day. (:

Today was definitely a good day. My muscles are working, I can still sing in the shower, even though at this point, I'm more croaking than singing, and I had some good conversations with some pretty cool peeps today. And I found out that this one dude whose videos on Youtube has made me laugh soooo much is actually a Pharmacy student & works part time at a Pharmacy, that kinda reminded me that there are some pretty humble humans out there. The fact that I can be thankful for that kinda stuff instead of worrying about where to get the means to put food on the table, is something to be thankful for.

Speaking of being thankful...

urgh. this pup's so frustratingly cute. 

I cannot wait to have my own pet/see my beloved doggy back home.

OH, I even cleaned out the junk 

that has been sitting in my computer. 

Mission accomplished, small victories, baby. 

And to you, if you're reading this, I hope that you are well, know that I still miss you and love you. 
Please have strength & hope to keep growing.