After my previous post about her, we held the prayers for her for the 3 nights. As we chanted, all I could think of was all her little actions and movements. Every little one that I absolutely treasure.
How she would nod and smile every time I see her and call her. How she would pat me on the back and rub my back with all her grandmotherly love and all the strength she can muster when we're all squeezed at the back of the car when we bring her and Grandpa to breakfast on a Sunday morning. And how when we get there, all I wanna do is get her up those stairs in her wheelchair and give her a little fun while at it. And asking her repeatedly if she's full after getting back (which was taken from a movie and is seen more of a joke) home and knowing what I was talking about, she would smile and laugh.
I also remember the times when she would wave her right hand and say "eyh, lai lai" (hey, come here) and how she would ask me something in Hokkien and I would not be able to hear her as she never had her teeth on. And thinking of her smile and jokes despite being hospital bound, made me break down halfway through chanting.
Knowing that I would no longer be able to touch her and hold her hand or give her fragile little body a hug broke my heart. Not to mention the soft cries from my Grandpa in the next bathroom was enough to break my heart. Listening to mom's eulogy did not help either. It made the tears flow faster than the strongest of rivers. And after listening to both her and my 1st aunt's eulogies, I got to know more about the woman who made mom and I the people we are today. A little like Grandma.
So when they put her coffin into the cremation chamber, and when the daughters began to wail and cry for her, I could no longer hold it in and had began to cry even further. Grandpa who got to the place earlier than us was standing beside the coffin while people were putting flowers onto the coffin, crying and would not leave until my uncles and aunt convinced him to.
After that, we headed back to her place and they all started reminiscing about the past (mom, uncles and aunts past) and is brought Grandma back in spirit. A yellow butterfly that flew in to watch her children gather together to talk about it. Just like she would've done in her wheelchair, quietly and would nod when I asked her if it were true.
Grandma, I miss you. I REALLY do. I really really really really love you. With all my heart.
Love, Kimberley
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