Quarter Life Goodbye

As I sit at home with my laptop and dance practice song in attempt to remember the newly learnt dance steps, I'm also gathering the bits and pieces of 2015 and putting them into the separate bins of keepsake and once overs.

2015 was a year of wow, cha(lle)nges. I see how that looks weird, allow me to rephrase:

2015 was a year of wow, challenges and change.

January: I was finally packing up to make the move to Korea to learn the language in wish of landing myself in the entertainment industry.  And well, I fulfilled that.

February: A turning point of finding myself in an emotional whirl with news of a person who apparently wasn't prepared for a relationship but had ended up getting together with a familiar face. Took a scary tummy sink and self prep-talk to stop crying over spilt milk and to actually start focusing on myself and how I can be a better person as a whole.

March: I landed myself an internship/part time job that got me involved with radio which I really enjoy despite some hiccups. Then met some really cool dudes that owned a café near me who were very welcoming

April: I learnt that despite being placed into Level 1, that it wasn't really that elementary of a class. I also got to see first hand that insecure girlfriends from Korean dramas actually exist.

May: I got to see beautiful SUA babies spread their wings and join the transition club into "the real world" and got to meet some really inspiring alumni who have been making huge strides in their lives and communities

June: I decided that having cockroaches and other insects as my roommates were not really gonna gel with me. It was also the time that I highly objected to a lot of things that had changed someone close to me. I started missing the States and the conversations I had + thought about how much of a meanie I was to some people.

July: A good friend & fellow alumna visited! I attended PRIDE, and became a one event star (the photos are stunning) I wore rainbow and was stunned by the amount of anger shown by the religious group here that all I could do was throw signs of love back at them. But very quickly I started feeling kind of alone and frustrated, I was not quite sure about how to control my thoughts or anger. It was also very hot and humid, and having to go real estate hopping seeing stuff WAY over budget was beginning to get on my nerves. And going to school with a prick was making me a passive aggressive judgmental bitch who would voice out her opinions in front of the person but could not say it to the person's face. I finally found a new place thanks to my friend who agreed to brave the heat with me.

August: I missed home a lot. And so sought comfort back home through my friends and got pretty close to one who is now my biggest confidant & supporter apart from my family. I also started admiring my dance teacher, and was building mad respect for both my Level 2 teachers who are just such amazing individuals. Real examples of inspiring women. Then I met the youngest teacher who is seriously no rookie and who blew my socks off with her teaching skills. A month of teachers man. (tearing up a little to all the beautiful individuals) Maybe it was also the fact that I had already been one (for a couple months) myself too?

September: At quarter of a century old, I learnt that ALL parents have already had pedestals for their children, no matter how shitty they are (even if their children are 6'6'' tall assholes) and teachers in general have to build a really thick skin. Respect respect, RESPECT. I've also officially moved into my new place and flew back home for a couple of days for a wedding & also to Japan to have a much much much needed reunion with my classmates. This was also the month I spent A LOT but worth every single penny/yen/won/Ringgit.

October: Home came to me and so did the cold. In the previous months I got so lonely and I must say, lost that having my dear confidant come to Korea and stay for such a long time was a paradox. It was absolutely comforting but it was also a slap in the face of how rude I am as a person sometimes. And that also became another turning point for me. I'm sorry.

November: I took part in a video contest in school and the footage was amazing (ALSO THANKS TO MY CONFIDANT you know who you are) and did not like messaging people for the sake of getting likes, comments and shares. I did not like it one bit. Neither did I like the fact that they allowed another contestant in way after the application due date. Still not sure what was up with that, but I don't think that was fair for anyone (not just me) and it was also the month that I was the poorest because I had to pay for the outstanding school fees (there was an increase) and my laptop charger had been replaced by a newer, expensive version (the original is free with the laptop purchase). Did I also mention that my student became too busy for my classes and had basically no more extra income?

December: I welcomed the last month with an addition to my bank account after winning the video contest. But that had replaced the extra school fees and the laptop charger which that was great but I also started becoming more sensitive to my surroundings as I was more aware of what I wanted in terms of characteristics (in myself). I also started Level 4 which now has become a challenge of applying all I've learnt so far in doing presentations and expressing my thoughts (like a local). And it felt like eternity but I now have another student who is wonderful, adorable and learns fast! (She's also 6 and is excited for my classes to which I am so grateful and it gets me going) I'm also reunited with my fellow SUA alumni tonight ready glide through the night, the way I cannot do any other day.

I also made a quote that I'm super proud of and shall now be my way of approaching quite a lot of things....

At the radio station we recorded our last show for 2015 and while I do not believe in New Year's Resolution, I do want to make one that I would like to carry on into the many many years to come, but
1. To learn how to get my point across without sounding like an old lady.
2. To make many more mistakes so that I can laugh at myself more with everyone regardless
3. To push through my initial intimidation when it comes to meeting someone/ talking to others
4. To continue being straightforward, no matter how awkward/painfully scary it is but to admit my wrongs when I am corrected.

I also watched the movie About Time sans distraction and that got me thinking lately.

But yes, moving on, I'd love to constantly working on those things. It won't take 1 year for a complete turnover but progress even a little is a good thing. And I strongly believe that life is a never ending practice field. We should never stop learning, practicing, and growing.

Oh and about that quote:

"Kids are adults in small bodies, and adults are kids... in BIG bodies" 





Adios 2015. Gracias por todo.
Gracias a los putos también por las problemas que me dieron. Pero adios y jodete.

Monday Merdeka

Two years ago, today, I wrote something in honor of my beloved country, Malaysia, as a token for it's 56th birthday.

(just in case you're curious and missed it, click on "something in honor of my beloved country, Malaysia")

Here is how I ended it:

Malaysia, you have molded me into the person I am today.
Your education system, albeit horrifyingly flawed in countless manners, have helped me with languages.
Your people, a wondrous melting pot, has taught me to learn, respect, and accept other cultures and beliefs within and without my country.
Your food, a tease to the eyes, orgasmic to the tastebuds
Your natural beauty, a hidden gem, still remains a mystery to those who those who seek discovery.
Once a strategic location in history, caused many a fight between east and west.
Once a promising country, development on the rise.
But now, you're fifty six in age, looking back on your life thus far, what have you accomplished?

_________

Today, we mark yet another milestone, 58 years, almost at it's Diamond anniversary since it's independence from colonization. Yesterday, and the day before, we linked arms in solidarity, united as one to sit, pray, eat, sing, dance, and, in our own peaceful manner, fight for change, that is #Bersih
. On Day 1, as I scrolled through my Facebook, I saw photos of almost every friend from my generation showing up in their brand spanking new yellow tees, bright smiles, and groups of friends. My Facebook feed is literally crowded in selfies of those who attend and/or some sort of proof of their presence there...

to not pick among the selfie takers, I chose these photo by my cousin instead

However, by evening, things started to slow down. A lot less selfies, but a lot more uploads of what happened during and throughout the day. Maybe batteries were dying or dead, and can be used for later when the emergencies hit. I mean, not everyone has a Power Bank *points at self*, I get it.
Then night comes. A message in my group text. B chimes:"guys, stay the night, it's not done yet." A response out of 20 over individuals, "kudos for staying".

*   *   *

Day 2 of the rally.
Hmm, oddly little photos by the same people who have either camped out or got up early for Day 2.
As the day got hotter, still photos of & by the same people....
Instead of a sea of yellow, the photos have been replaced by latte art, wines, cheeses, vacations, #longweekend
But wait, what about the yellow tees?
Out of a (Kuala Lumpur) population of 1.67million people, only 300,000 showed up on day 2, which isn't even half...
Facebook is still playing news anchor with newsfeeds of, wait..
Who are wearing the yellow tees? My friends in their late 30s and 40s.
But of course, the ones in the US, more like, New York. Which presents a virtual but spectacular view.

photo of my cousin at night of Day 2.
Stunning, can it be better?



My question this year is (so bare with me on this one):
Malaysia, you have molded me into the person I am today.
Your education system, albeit horrifyingly flawed in countless manners, have helped me with languages.
Your food, a tease to the eyes, orgasmic to the tastebuds
Your people, a wondrous melting pot, has taught me to gather and unite through diversity, and be called minions to oppose something so poisonous to the land.
Your natural beauty, a hidden gem, still remains a mystery to those who those who seek discovery.
Once a strategic location in history, caused many a fight between east and west.
But now, you're almost sixty, yet still struggling to fight for a change that is still lightyears delayed.
You're another day, another year older but in the eyes of the youth, those lattes, wines, cheese platters, or long weekend vacations are way easier than camping out in the sun fighting for change.
So all those chants, for something better, something BERSIH, was just for a day or two?

borrowed from Malaysiakini

____________

I hope to be proven wrong, and that lots of people from my generation still decided that they could enjoy their beverages and foods with their fellow Malaysians, singing, dancing, cheering, and talking on the streets in KL. And that the #instagram worthy photos was a #throwback or something.

Because how can we progress if like a can of soda we fizz out and call it a day after less than 24 hours?
If we, the future of this country, decide to take the back seat and chill out, letting the older generation do the work, then when on Malaysia's 80th birthday, how are we gonna look like?

Thought Criminals.

Two weeks ago, I had the honor in attending the commencement ceremony of the Class of 2015 at Soka University of America. Boy am I the most grateful for I had the privilege of listening to Nobel Peace Prize winner Dr Jody Williams' commencement speech. I started tearing up with so much gratitude and thanks to this woman.

I've attached the video below so you can watch it too (:


Start at 28.03 (:

Taciturn Thursday

Here is the song that I included in today's message.

It lifted me a quite a bit after listening to it

The Seeming Impasse

What sort of traits do you want to attain by the end of the year? 

Patience. 

This has been something that I've always acknowledged.
Something I've been aware of since I can remember (as a kid getting reprimanded sprinkled with stories as I grew up). Even as a little girl, I was rather easily agitated, quick to react, yes, react. And would find ways to be the last to speak. Even when I was out with whoever and was bored, I'd actually start getting antsy, wanting to leave faster than they could ask "how bout this?". Often times, I find myself making rather hasty decisions (though many of them they prove to work out pretty well in my favor!), and even to this day, find it a challenge to hold back during a conversation.

"Patience in itself is a great challenge, and that it often holds the key to breaking through a seeming impasse" 

Last night I met a woman who moved to a foreign country to marry her husband, despite not even knowing the language. Now seven years later, her grasp of the language is (in her words) slowly but steadily improving. But being home alone when he works, with a 16 month old baby (without the help of family), life can get her down. And plus, raising a child, no matter where you are, is an extremely honorable task. And watching her interact with her child (despite the chaos: being surrounded by a huge group of people, with bottles, ceramic plates, and food), I wondered about losing one's cool. It would take so much to be as patient as she was with her child. She would still embrace her child, laugh about how silly all that was, and wouldn't raise her voice or hit the child. Instead she got another lady to act a little mad, to prevent the child from continuing the same behavior.. I asked her about being patient as a mother, and she said that it is definitely one of the most difficult things to be: patient.

But hey, before you let your mind wonder too far and get the wrong idea..

No, I'm totes NOT pregnant, neither am I going to have a child in the near future. But patience has been something I've been actively working on in the past year or so. Quite obviously I have a lot to work on. My progress has been a somewhat frustrating, yet comical one. But that I shall touch upon as time passes. However, in short, the progress has helped me suppressed my impatience, projected it as other emotions, and has allowed me to thoroughly embarrass myself (not in a fun way either). But I guess that's what improvement, change, and (ultimately) growth is about right?

//I know it's not going to be an easy road, but hey, we all got to start from somewhere and work on it constantly. Even if a pause is taken, as long as it's acknowledged and the journey continues form there.

Another Year, Another Chapter

Hello everyone!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Allow me to take this time to apologize for the lack of posts. I am slacking in this whole blogging thing and yeah, I DEFINITELY need to bark up. I do apologize, I really do. The last few months have been madness at its core. There have been as many heartwarming instances as there were crushing ones. But if you were to ask me, I’d like to think that these were the things that have made 2014 a rather eventful year. One filled with lots of stories to tell and experiences to take with me. 

If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.

1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.

2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.

3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.

4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...

Up, up, up, and away! :) 

Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)


Lots of love,
Kim

Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this.