The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

She Used To Be Mine

At one point or another in our past, present, and future life, we'll have moments where we kinda lose ourselves. It's a pretty normal occurrence in our lives. It's all a part of our growth process.

I never quite got it but it started making sense to me after I read somewhere that life, like making ceramics (I took that class when I was in college), where you have to throw the wet clay onto the hard surface to make sure that the clay becomes compact enough for you to mould it into something stable and solid. When I read that, I thought about how in order to grow, you need those hard blows in order to gather understanding of your life, thoughts, and experiences which then propels you to become the star shiny bright person you have the potential to be.

And in the times when you get these blows, it's perfectly normal and okay to lose yourself and forget all the mind blowingly great qualities that you possess. In the tough times, it's difficult to remind ourselves of what we have as we naturally use more of our energy toward facing the problems we're faced with. And in the last months, especially weeks, I've forgotten about all the great things that make me, me.

I wallowed in so much of my sorrow and had let go of my Kim-like qualities. It wasn't till my lone visit to this one cafe by the Han River that I heard this song. And there I wept. I wept over my homework and my 5th tea refill.

"she is gone, but she used to be mine" 

But yesterday after voicing out how lost I feel at this period of time, followed by a long walk with my friend across the Han River twice (one over a bridge that actually has markings to encourage people not to end their lives), I came to the painful conclusion that I've allowed myself to be stuck in that painful time.. a little too long. 

Here's Something You Should Know.

Hi everyone.

It's been a couple months since I deactivated Facebook.
And you noticed my "I'm back, bitches!" as per screenshot below...

(What seemed to be a good idea in the morning when I did it..)
It was actually my way of dropping you my April Fool's prank.
I am not back. Not for the long run. Thus this post.

Truth is, I've been on Facebook for a pretty decent amount of years. If I'm not mistaken, I started it around the age of 16/17 (I'm 26 this year, that's almost 10 years and counting) not too long after Facebook became live . And for a really long time, my life kinda revolved around Facebook.
I've done it all (well, almost): shared my relationship status, include the person who I was "In A Relationship" with, uploaded A TON of photos, tagged myself and everyone else in them, ranted, bitched, basically procrastinated my study time with this platform, and then turn the other leaf and started including less about myself and more on the issues that I was compelled by, and eventually, got off it (Facebook). And I was gone from it a good year or two, until I had to re-activate it for work not too long after coming to Korea. Then in January, I gladly called it quits when I was no longer required to update the work FB page.

Whether it's a good/bad thing, you're free to judge.
To each their own.

But here's why I'm off it.
Truth is, there are a few reasons I'm more compelled to be away from it, than be on it.

1. On average, even if it's just posting stuff I feel compelled to share, I spend, on a daily basis a good 7 hours on Facebook. While yes, I am seeing some really good stuff on it, 80% of that 7 hours, is actually just me scrolling through the updates (and going through them to see what I've missed.. *not much*)
2. I significantly cut down on "productive time" and even "me time" which actually includes a good book & a nice cuppa joe at a cafe. And instead, had been constantly actively seeking out that compelling thing to share. Granted, some of the responses were pretty good. I seem to have attracted quite some conversation among my "friends", and shared some interesting comment spaces with people. But, somehow, I started becoming more insecure about myself and started relying on the virtual realm to speak up, instead of doing so in person.
3. Even though I don't post much about my personal life. I realize that I spend a lot more time fixing the photo I'm about to upload onto Instagram, by framing it with a photo app, then editing it with another, then picking out the filters and more editing on Instagram, etc. And that became such an integral part of my Social Media that I've forgotten to look at the person in front of me who was telling me something.
4. With that said, I'm constantly trying too hard. Trying too hard to pretend that everything's alright, even if they're not, trying too hard to take "the perfect photo" for keepsake to upload later, with a snazzy caption, that the photo starts becoming truly meaningless. All for the sake of some likes, instead of actually having heartfelt, sincere interactions with people.
5. Therefore, I relied on Facebook to drop hints/hidden messages to a certain someone when really (BASICALLY, Passive Aggressive) should honest and direct. Even if the results wouldn't be what I had wanted to receive. All of that would have saved me so much more time, then it would've been on to the next thing. But instead,
6. I started hurting. Emotionally and psychologically becoming hurt. So sensitive (so fucking butt hurt, egoistic, prideful even) did I become & all stemming from some sort of fear. I felt somewhat powerful after each "thought provoking post", when in real life, my relationships (friends, family, romantics) were falling apart. My daily view included more of my computer screen than the beautiful scenery & all the vibes from the city that I'm currently in. I became so dependent on all the likes/comments that I've seemed to have misplaced my abilities to overcome my problems, and instead of having "me time", I was desperately seeking attention especially in my relationships

To be honest, the last few months has been emotionally tough on me. The last week, even more so. And yesterday, for the first time in a really long time, I lost all grounds and just broke down in public. In the middle of the streets, after ranting for a good number minutes to my extremely patient roommate, I just stopped in my tracks and wept. Frankly, things have been piling up one at a time, with an extra load yesterday. So I snapped.

You might say that everyone goes through these motions, it's kinda normal. And as an adult, I should be able to manage my own time, control myself, and not be carried away by these so called distractions. After all, I got da powah! 

Right. But do we really? Or have we become so accustomed to FB that we're not even aware of how much our lives have revolved around it? Yesterday when I snapped, even in that critical moment of my release, I just wanted to go on Facebook. To distract myself. That, or to just post something to get some response, some sort of empathy. To have someone reassure me that I'll be okay. When the only person who should be telling me that is.. well, me. But I came to the realization that with my need to get approval based on my likes, I had to forgo my own approval of myself. Call me weak, call me lame.

Again, to each their own. 

But let me ask you this, can you go a week without your phone, with no Social Media? Just basic communication, pre-arranged plans, sticking to that, and using our good ol' memory to remember our appointments and tasks.

I bet none of us can. 

Happy April Fool's Day. 

IF:

1. you still don't get it, I'm going off Facebook again. 
2. you wanna contact me, you know where to find me. 
3. you don't, feel free to drop me a comment here. 

I Once Watched A Video (Part II)

(cont..)



The night before the wedding, he went missing. There was not a goodbye, nor a warning. He just disappeared. Needless to say...

she went looking for him. Only to find a box for her. 

*     *     *

In the box were the things he'd gotten, memorabilia, letters, and the rings. 

Needless to say, she began to question his intentions. "Why would he do that if he really loved me?" 

Bundled with the rings was a letter. In it he asked:

"Dear (let's name her) V,

What's my favorite dish? Do you know what my favorite book is? What about my favorite movie? 

You don't know. Because in these five years, we'd only eat your favorite dishes, read your favorite books, and watched the movies you love. 

Fact is, you don't know me at all. So how can you say that you love me? 

You only loved the kindness that I've given to you" 

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

Part III

Boo Monday

I've been pretty out of it lately that I thought I've uploaded the updates when I in fact have done otherwise.

Dang. 

But yes, Inside Out!

Cheeeeck it out:

(The trailer haha)

Turmoil Thursday

In commemoration of the Sewol Ferry incident, I also watched a performamce last night that embodies the raw emotions of love loss at sea and the grieving process

Saturday Sunlight

Due to unstable internet issues, the posts could not be uploaded ):