How do I?

My emotions have been up and down recently due to a variety of things going on.

I've also been challenging myself to link myself to positive things and in doing so, feed away from the less pleasant emotions that have been gently biting at my heart.


So if you are new here and have not been reading my previous posts, I was broken up with a few months ago. I shall spare you the details and instead just go straight to the point. I was broken up with because essentially, I wasn't the person of choice.

Now, with that said, I wasn't always the most honest person with my emotions either.
As a result, myself asking myself if I should or shouldn't let go of this person was what I kinda battled with until I unexpectedly got a goodbye.

To which after, I just became ridden with regret. 

But with all that said and done, I'm not gonna lie but I hate being the one who breaks up with the person so I wait to be broken up with.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the way my emotions and psyche deals with relationships. And of late, it's made me more observant of other couples while being a little more impatient of my own character.


So going to the title, as you can see, is my question of How Do I?
How do I deal with this? I feel like such an amateur rookie it's not fun :(

Ethereal

This quote was so ethereal I had to post it. With all the crap feelings I've been feelings, this, was so beautiful. It's a little like how we can't fully comprehend our feelings, and how we get lost in all the emotions, that we lose all comprehension of them, and start questioning our mental validities in understanding these feelings? 

Reading this quote, I felt like I was staring out at space. I see now why we see so much beauty in space. 

"Life contains the capacity, like flames that reach toward heaven, to transform suffering and pain into the energy needed for value-creation, into light that illuminates darkness. Like the wind traversing vast spaces unhindered, life has the power to uproot and overturn all obstacles and difficulties. Like clear flowing water, it can wash away all stains and impurities. And finally, life, like the great earth that sustains vegetation, impartially protects all people with its compassionate, nurturing force."

Rough Time

Having a really tough time emotionally from a bunch of events taking place simultaneously.

Though I shouldn't be complaining too much. I'm letting my awesome self do things and be super confident still, and it's also working to my advantage. 

But generally, I'm taking an emotional backseat with some of the recent circumstances. And, sadly, in a way, so are my studies. It's not REALLY bad, but can be better. 

Anyway, I've also had the immaculate privilege to host some fantastic people. They have in their short stay with me, have inspired and supported me so well. 

A beautiful friend of mine, Akko, found this podcast and has encouraged me to listen to it as it has given her a new perspective on relationships (specifically the podcast I'm downloading in the photo. Link here) It's like a Japanglish salad that interchanges so conveniently that I feel like I understand Japanese, even though I didn't even study THAT much too begin with, and had basically forgotten most of it. 

Listening to it has made me feel slightly elated, and relieved in a distracted way. Not sure if that's a good thing, but it's pretty helpful now. If you need anything to take your mind off things, or to just immerse yourself in a bilingual setting, this may just be the help you need. 

Thank you Akko!! (: Again, link here. 

Warning: Explicit/sexual stuff. Listen without the presence of children I guess...

Human Hump Day

Emily Dowell 

is a cancer survivor who created a set of empathy cards to help those giving support, but who seem to kinda make things a little less nice.. And while many of them help with supporting those with an illness, this one stood out and applies to also a normal daily encounter. 

Sadly, there's always some sort of expectation or standard to live up to, and in many cases, we'd get into a state of negativity that somehow gets us to think we're lesser than what we are, sometimes resulting in us branding ourselves as something less. So I thought this would be a good reminder that we're all human, shit happens, and shitty feelings occur.. 

Monday Tuesday Late Day

*

Boo Monday

I've been pretty out of it lately that I thought I've uploaded the updates when I in fact have done otherwise.

Dang. 

But yes, Inside Out!

Cheeeeck it out:

(The trailer haha)

Monday Mindset

Sundays Excluded!

If you know me, you'd know that I'm an avid believer in constantly improving myself. So, what better way to learn and share that with the world?

Thus, I think around mid November, I started a broadcast, telling people either a new fact, or sharing a quote/thought for the day. Monday to Saturday, I send out these messages.

So how about this, instead of having to constantly update my blog, since I know I cannot do this on a daily basis, I'll just send a screenshot of the message, here!

Sounds like a decent trade off for now, no?

Frankly, I'm a bit sad because I really wish I could include a drawing of whatever it is that I wrote about, but my phone is pretty old and cannot really accommodate that, and it isn't usually till the morning that I know for sure what it is that I wanna talk about. (So, I'd have a few ideas before going to bed, but would only be sure of the topic of my choice when I'm facing my phone in the morning). But eitherway, I'm figuring out ways to actually make that happen. But one thing at a time la I guess? :)

Alright. Recap: 

• I will post my daily broadcasts here in the form of a screenshot. 
• I am in the process of adding illustrations, but just need to figure out how. 

Sidenote reminder: This is excluded on Sundays. My off day! Haha. 
PS- suggestions are more than welcome

Love,
Kim

Another Year, Another Chapter

Hello everyone!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Allow me to take this time to apologize for the lack of posts. I am slacking in this whole blogging thing and yeah, I DEFINITELY need to bark up. I do apologize, I really do. The last few months have been madness at its core. There have been as many heartwarming instances as there were crushing ones. But if you were to ask me, I’d like to think that these were the things that have made 2014 a rather eventful year. One filled with lots of stories to tell and experiences to take with me. 

If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.

1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.

2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.

3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.

4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...

Up, up, up, and away! :) 

Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)


Lots of love,
Kim

Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this. 

Tipping My Head Up

Hey everyone.

Yes, I know, it's been an awfully long time since my last post, which wasn't in all jolly happy. And the reason why I've been MIA the last four months, well, it's cause more things were pouring in. More heartache, challenges, work stress, and also health issues (though this one isn't as bad as it sounds).

Like everyone thwarted into the reality of post-graduation life, things hit be in all directions. Relentlessly, tirelessly, I resisted falling on my feet, but of course, as life has it panned out for me, I fell. Onto the ground. Hard.

Personally, I enjoy roller coaster rides, the thrill and the heights (despite my increasingly deathly fear of it) tickles me, resulting in a belly ache from the laughter during the ride. But when you're on life's roller coaster ride, I fell, I was like one of those unfortunate souls who during the openings, fell off her seat, and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

But anyway, I'm picking myself back up and moving on in life. I'm also on a trip of constant self-improvement. More roller coaster rides to ensue and more people to piss off (unintentionally most of the time but if intentional, it's cause I see some sort of injustice and am standing up for it), myself included cause you know, I'm still learning! And the learning process can be frustrating! haha

But moving on, I'll do my best to post as much as I can!
Starting with the events that are taking place (wherever I am).

And to commemorate this new beginning, here's a photo of me and my new hair haha

Unfiltered, sans make up, pre-hair wash too haha

Excuse the tired face, this was a day after almost 2 days of flying.

Hair maker: Su Jane (rawr I wub ju)

Cheers to a new start!

Love,

Kim 

How Do You Feel?

Well, to be honest, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed. Haha. A lot has happened in the last month or so and I'm truly really just overwhelmed with emotion. I think especially in the last few days. But after today, I feel even more overwhelmed than I've been haha.


Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role  in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:

So, about the...

Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.

Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.



It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.

It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.




So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.

When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.

back to the question:

how do you (I) feel?

I honestly don't know.