3 Weeks, Out.

Over the last three weeks, I took a hiatus.

Only contacting people who I wanted to see, an attending events/doing things that I really wanted to do. I crossed off bucket lists, added to my own "criminal" reputation (it's just a speeding ticket haha I'm mocking the officer who said the speed I was at minus 7mph was criminal haha), visited quite a good amount of places, and all on my own expense.

In the last 3 weeks, I had the marvelous privilege of watching a fantastic author receive his honorary doctorate degree from Yale, meet up with fantastic individuals, cozied in with some amazing people who treat me like family, have chats with my former professors, bawled my eyes out to people who then smothered me with hugs, love, encouragement, and a refreshed sense of determination & heart, and basically, have the rare opportunity to have heart-to-heart conversations about life, and emotions. In the last 3 weeks, I cried, laughed, sang, hugged (A LOT), talked, and listened to so much, that I feel prepared again for what's to come.

Instead of bombarding you with all these words, I'll just leave some of these here...

when you go get Kickin' Crab and the soccer match is on

The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

How do I?

My emotions have been up and down recently due to a variety of things going on.

I've also been challenging myself to link myself to positive things and in doing so, feed away from the less pleasant emotions that have been gently biting at my heart.


So if you are new here and have not been reading my previous posts, I was broken up with a few months ago. I shall spare you the details and instead just go straight to the point. I was broken up with because essentially, I wasn't the person of choice.

Now, with that said, I wasn't always the most honest person with my emotions either.
As a result, myself asking myself if I should or shouldn't let go of this person was what I kinda battled with until I unexpectedly got a goodbye.

To which after, I just became ridden with regret. 

But with all that said and done, I'm not gonna lie but I hate being the one who breaks up with the person so I wait to be broken up with.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the way my emotions and psyche deals with relationships. And of late, it's made me more observant of other couples while being a little more impatient of my own character.


So going to the title, as you can see, is my question of How Do I?
How do I deal with this? I feel like such an amateur rookie it's not fun :(

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Boo Monday

I've been pretty out of it lately that I thought I've uploaded the updates when I in fact have done otherwise.

Dang. 

But yes, Inside Out!

Cheeeeck it out:

(The trailer haha)

Trampling Tuesday

Monday Mindset

Wednesday Well-being

Tuesday Truckin' On

A new day, a new start!

The Seeming Impasse

What sort of traits do you want to attain by the end of the year? 

Patience. 

This has been something that I've always acknowledged.
Something I've been aware of since I can remember (as a kid getting reprimanded sprinkled with stories as I grew up). Even as a little girl, I was rather easily agitated, quick to react, yes, react. And would find ways to be the last to speak. Even when I was out with whoever and was bored, I'd actually start getting antsy, wanting to leave faster than they could ask "how bout this?". Often times, I find myself making rather hasty decisions (though many of them they prove to work out pretty well in my favor!), and even to this day, find it a challenge to hold back during a conversation.

"Patience in itself is a great challenge, and that it often holds the key to breaking through a seeming impasse" 

Last night I met a woman who moved to a foreign country to marry her husband, despite not even knowing the language. Now seven years later, her grasp of the language is (in her words) slowly but steadily improving. But being home alone when he works, with a 16 month old baby (without the help of family), life can get her down. And plus, raising a child, no matter where you are, is an extremely honorable task. And watching her interact with her child (despite the chaos: being surrounded by a huge group of people, with bottles, ceramic plates, and food), I wondered about losing one's cool. It would take so much to be as patient as she was with her child. She would still embrace her child, laugh about how silly all that was, and wouldn't raise her voice or hit the child. Instead she got another lady to act a little mad, to prevent the child from continuing the same behavior.. I asked her about being patient as a mother, and she said that it is definitely one of the most difficult things to be: patient.

But hey, before you let your mind wonder too far and get the wrong idea..

No, I'm totes NOT pregnant, neither am I going to have a child in the near future. But patience has been something I've been actively working on in the past year or so. Quite obviously I have a lot to work on. My progress has been a somewhat frustrating, yet comical one. But that I shall touch upon as time passes. However, in short, the progress has helped me suppressed my impatience, projected it as other emotions, and has allowed me to thoroughly embarrass myself (not in a fun way either). But I guess that's what improvement, change, and (ultimately) growth is about right?

//I know it's not going to be an easy road, but hey, we all got to start from somewhere and work on it constantly. Even if a pause is taken, as long as it's acknowledged and the journey continues form there.

Long Overdue: Rain

Up until recently, the rain in KL was rather crazy. There were times when I was stranded some place because of the incessant rain that felt endless. You wouldn't hear a complain from me if that happened! :)

For I've always loved the rain. As a teen, while waiting to be picked up from school (this is HOURS after the last bell), I'd wait in the shade alone (now that I think about it, I'm amazed at how it was ever not okay for a young girl like me to be sitting there alone) until there was rain. When the little droplets would say hi, I'd wave back. When the teenage bits would arrive, I'd still sit and wait till it was pouring heavy before I made my entrance. Clad in my uniform, hair still in my ponytail, I'd slowly edge my way into the rain and the take a short stroll, until my vision could no longer carry the strong meteors that hit my face with much gusto. Anyway, I love the rain. Ever since I could remember, rain seemed to engrave some rather memorable moments in my mind cloud.

About a few weeks ago, there was a flu/cold bug that seemed to have attached itself to many (myself included). At the time, someone I knew texted me about how the drop in octave of his voice would make it rain harder every time he spoke. Rather amusing chap. But then again, it wasn't all that curious to me, because when I read that message, it took me back to when I was in primary school, little seven year old me, who sat quite near the back door of my classroom (the doors are always open by the way). I recall so vividly the environment that would fly by that open door. Especially when it rained. For some funny reason, I used to think that the rain would come whenever I felt upset. It seemed to me that when I was sad, the rain would visit, and when I was morose, it'd rain cats and dogs as a reflection of my emotions. The same way in reverse, the rain would subside whenever my mood was elevated.

Odd coincidence? Perhaps. While, fast forward to today, that definitely isn't the case, I'd still like to think of myself of actually having that ability at a young age. Young at heart, definitely, I am not even shy to admit that I am still clinging onto that spirit now. I don't think that part of me will ever "grow up" or grow out of that. A figment of my childhood imagination, it is these memories that stay with me for a really long time.

Oh, and as for another memory that rain has etched into my brain, was when I was 18. I was leaving college, walking out of campus, when I heard the rain. As I turned my back to see the direction in which it was heading, it was actually charging towards me from the campus building, like a bull in the ring, furiously. "RUN!" was all I could think of. But boy, what a sight to behold!

Yeah, I love the rain.

Love,
Kim

Sundays Excluded!

If you know me, you'd know that I'm an avid believer in constantly improving myself. So, what better way to learn and share that with the world?

Thus, I think around mid November, I started a broadcast, telling people either a new fact, or sharing a quote/thought for the day. Monday to Saturday, I send out these messages.

So how about this, instead of having to constantly update my blog, since I know I cannot do this on a daily basis, I'll just send a screenshot of the message, here!

Sounds like a decent trade off for now, no?

Frankly, I'm a bit sad because I really wish I could include a drawing of whatever it is that I wrote about, but my phone is pretty old and cannot really accommodate that, and it isn't usually till the morning that I know for sure what it is that I wanna talk about. (So, I'd have a few ideas before going to bed, but would only be sure of the topic of my choice when I'm facing my phone in the morning). But eitherway, I'm figuring out ways to actually make that happen. But one thing at a time la I guess? :)

Alright. Recap: 

• I will post my daily broadcasts here in the form of a screenshot. 
• I am in the process of adding illustrations, but just need to figure out how. 

Sidenote reminder: This is excluded on Sundays. My off day! Haha. 
PS- suggestions are more than welcome

Love,
Kim

Another Year, Another Chapter

Hello everyone!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Allow me to take this time to apologize for the lack of posts. I am slacking in this whole blogging thing and yeah, I DEFINITELY need to bark up. I do apologize, I really do. The last few months have been madness at its core. There have been as many heartwarming instances as there were crushing ones. But if you were to ask me, I’d like to think that these were the things that have made 2014 a rather eventful year. One filled with lots of stories to tell and experiences to take with me. 

If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.

1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.

2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.

3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.

4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...

Up, up, up, and away! :) 

Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)


Lots of love,
Kim

Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this. 

Tipping My Head Up

Hey everyone.

Yes, I know, it's been an awfully long time since my last post, which wasn't in all jolly happy. And the reason why I've been MIA the last four months, well, it's cause more things were pouring in. More heartache, challenges, work stress, and also health issues (though this one isn't as bad as it sounds).

Like everyone thwarted into the reality of post-graduation life, things hit be in all directions. Relentlessly, tirelessly, I resisted falling on my feet, but of course, as life has it panned out for me, I fell. Onto the ground. Hard.

Personally, I enjoy roller coaster rides, the thrill and the heights (despite my increasingly deathly fear of it) tickles me, resulting in a belly ache from the laughter during the ride. But when you're on life's roller coaster ride, I fell, I was like one of those unfortunate souls who during the openings, fell off her seat, and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

But anyway, I'm picking myself back up and moving on in life. I'm also on a trip of constant self-improvement. More roller coaster rides to ensue and more people to piss off (unintentionally most of the time but if intentional, it's cause I see some sort of injustice and am standing up for it), myself included cause you know, I'm still learning! And the learning process can be frustrating! haha

But moving on, I'll do my best to post as much as I can!
Starting with the events that are taking place (wherever I am).

And to commemorate this new beginning, here's a photo of me and my new hair haha

Unfiltered, sans make up, pre-hair wash too haha

Excuse the tired face, this was a day after almost 2 days of flying.

Hair maker: Su Jane (rawr I wub ju)

Cheers to a new start!

Love,

Kim 

How Do You Feel?

Well, to be honest, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed. Haha. A lot has happened in the last month or so and I'm truly really just overwhelmed with emotion. I think especially in the last few days. But after today, I feel even more overwhelmed than I've been haha.


Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role  in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:

So, about the...

Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.

Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.



It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.

It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.




So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.

When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.

back to the question:

how do you (I) feel?

I honestly don't know.