Here's Something You Should Know.

Hi everyone.

It's been a couple months since I deactivated Facebook.
And you noticed my "I'm back, bitches!" as per screenshot below...

(What seemed to be a good idea in the morning when I did it..)
It was actually my way of dropping you my April Fool's prank.
I am not back. Not for the long run. Thus this post.

Truth is, I've been on Facebook for a pretty decent amount of years. If I'm not mistaken, I started it around the age of 16/17 (I'm 26 this year, that's almost 10 years and counting) not too long after Facebook became live . And for a really long time, my life kinda revolved around Facebook.
I've done it all (well, almost): shared my relationship status, include the person who I was "In A Relationship" with, uploaded A TON of photos, tagged myself and everyone else in them, ranted, bitched, basically procrastinated my study time with this platform, and then turn the other leaf and started including less about myself and more on the issues that I was compelled by, and eventually, got off it (Facebook). And I was gone from it a good year or two, until I had to re-activate it for work not too long after coming to Korea. Then in January, I gladly called it quits when I was no longer required to update the work FB page.

Whether it's a good/bad thing, you're free to judge.
To each their own.

But here's why I'm off it.
Truth is, there are a few reasons I'm more compelled to be away from it, than be on it.

1. On average, even if it's just posting stuff I feel compelled to share, I spend, on a daily basis a good 7 hours on Facebook. While yes, I am seeing some really good stuff on it, 80% of that 7 hours, is actually just me scrolling through the updates (and going through them to see what I've missed.. *not much*)
2. I significantly cut down on "productive time" and even "me time" which actually includes a good book & a nice cuppa joe at a cafe. And instead, had been constantly actively seeking out that compelling thing to share. Granted, some of the responses were pretty good. I seem to have attracted quite some conversation among my "friends", and shared some interesting comment spaces with people. But, somehow, I started becoming more insecure about myself and started relying on the virtual realm to speak up, instead of doing so in person.
3. Even though I don't post much about my personal life. I realize that I spend a lot more time fixing the photo I'm about to upload onto Instagram, by framing it with a photo app, then editing it with another, then picking out the filters and more editing on Instagram, etc. And that became such an integral part of my Social Media that I've forgotten to look at the person in front of me who was telling me something.
4. With that said, I'm constantly trying too hard. Trying too hard to pretend that everything's alright, even if they're not, trying too hard to take "the perfect photo" for keepsake to upload later, with a snazzy caption, that the photo starts becoming truly meaningless. All for the sake of some likes, instead of actually having heartfelt, sincere interactions with people.
5. Therefore, I relied on Facebook to drop hints/hidden messages to a certain someone when really (BASICALLY, Passive Aggressive) should honest and direct. Even if the results wouldn't be what I had wanted to receive. All of that would have saved me so much more time, then it would've been on to the next thing. But instead,
6. I started hurting. Emotionally and psychologically becoming hurt. So sensitive (so fucking butt hurt, egoistic, prideful even) did I become & all stemming from some sort of fear. I felt somewhat powerful after each "thought provoking post", when in real life, my relationships (friends, family, romantics) were falling apart. My daily view included more of my computer screen than the beautiful scenery & all the vibes from the city that I'm currently in. I became so dependent on all the likes/comments that I've seemed to have misplaced my abilities to overcome my problems, and instead of having "me time", I was desperately seeking attention especially in my relationships

To be honest, the last few months has been emotionally tough on me. The last week, even more so. And yesterday, for the first time in a really long time, I lost all grounds and just broke down in public. In the middle of the streets, after ranting for a good number minutes to my extremely patient roommate, I just stopped in my tracks and wept. Frankly, things have been piling up one at a time, with an extra load yesterday. So I snapped.

You might say that everyone goes through these motions, it's kinda normal. And as an adult, I should be able to manage my own time, control myself, and not be carried away by these so called distractions. After all, I got da powah! 

Right. But do we really? Or have we become so accustomed to FB that we're not even aware of how much our lives have revolved around it? Yesterday when I snapped, even in that critical moment of my release, I just wanted to go on Facebook. To distract myself. That, or to just post something to get some response, some sort of empathy. To have someone reassure me that I'll be okay. When the only person who should be telling me that is.. well, me. But I came to the realization that with my need to get approval based on my likes, I had to forgo my own approval of myself. Call me weak, call me lame.

Again, to each their own. 

But let me ask you this, can you go a week without your phone, with no Social Media? Just basic communication, pre-arranged plans, sticking to that, and using our good ol' memory to remember our appointments and tasks.

I bet none of us can. 

Happy April Fool's Day. 

IF:

1. you still don't get it, I'm going off Facebook again. 
2. you wanna contact me, you know where to find me. 
3. you don't, feel free to drop me a comment here. 

Who's A Hot Mess?

Whoa.

The last month has been such an insanely busy one!
I've taken yet another break from the blogging because I was busy conducting work/catching up with school, and... my life in general.

From my current position, looking at myself, I am somewhat of a mess.

I just found out that:

1. The Visa I had intended on getting cannot be obtained with my current Visa.
2. After this semester, I only have till August to LEARN and make all the mistakes I can make in my Korean learning process.
3. Everyday is a conscious and painful effort to focus on my work, and not on the social media of the person I wish I could talk to instead.
4. I'm starting to wonder if I'm sane anymore. Especially with what I say. I could've sworn that I said A, but I end up getting an angry recount of what I said because I've offended the opposite party. That or what they recall is definitely different from what (I can positively attest to) I've said.
5. This one isn't particularly pressing but. For the school club activities, pizza parties have been scraped, and so have... performing (especially so for Dance and Singing Club. What's the point if we don't showcase the awesome stuff we've learnt?)
 6. I'm worried about my future, and my family, especially my parents and how they're taking care of their health :( & also my beloved doggy. Mom told me that she was really sad when I went away for 2 days (after going home), so much so, she didn't wanna eat. That breaks my heart.

One good news is I managed to complete Level 4, albeit barely. I made it! But it still scares me that I just barely made it :( That means I have a lot to work on as I work through all the other stuff. Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing cuz thankfully I have two REALLY AMAZING teachers. One from my last semester, whose classes I really enjoy, and the other who knows her stuff at a godly level, and is really diligent in teaching us :)

With all that said, I have so many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for being able to afford to live in a place that has heating. It's no longer winter but it's still pretty cool out, and having hot showers is most definitely something to be thankful for.
2. The classmates I have this semester are pretty great.
3. My roommate makes having a roommate easy. She's super open to new things, she talks a lot, thus is CONSTANTLY keeping my (also) talkative self entertained at all times.
4. My students' moms really like me, and as much as I am no professional, it is always truly heartwarming to hear them tell me that their kid says "that was fun!"and one of them has offered me a job at her center with a visa and housing too. Something to consider & be absolutely grateful for.
5. I get to get my beautiful voice heard on the Korean airwaves, and I get to meet some really nice people when I work at the radio station. An opportunity that nothing can really replace (:
6. People around me are not terminally ill and I get to still hang out with them even if they're physically remote from me. Something that I've often taken for granted. :(
7. I got to meet up with my home boys and girls, and just the fact that I got to fly home to do that with no hiccups, is tear jerking, painfully GOOD.

I think I've lost myself a little bit. 

Now, it's up to me to make things work. 
Time to get back up. 

Technically Mad