Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim.