Who's A Hot Mess?

Whoa.

The last month has been such an insanely busy one!
I've taken yet another break from the blogging because I was busy conducting work/catching up with school, and... my life in general.

From my current position, looking at myself, I am somewhat of a mess.

I just found out that:

1. The Visa I had intended on getting cannot be obtained with my current Visa.
2. After this semester, I only have till August to LEARN and make all the mistakes I can make in my Korean learning process.
3. Everyday is a conscious and painful effort to focus on my work, and not on the social media of the person I wish I could talk to instead.
4. I'm starting to wonder if I'm sane anymore. Especially with what I say. I could've sworn that I said A, but I end up getting an angry recount of what I said because I've offended the opposite party. That or what they recall is definitely different from what (I can positively attest to) I've said.
5. This one isn't particularly pressing but. For the school club activities, pizza parties have been scraped, and so have... performing (especially so for Dance and Singing Club. What's the point if we don't showcase the awesome stuff we've learnt?)
 6. I'm worried about my future, and my family, especially my parents and how they're taking care of their health :( & also my beloved doggy. Mom told me that she was really sad when I went away for 2 days (after going home), so much so, she didn't wanna eat. That breaks my heart.

One good news is I managed to complete Level 4, albeit barely. I made it! But it still scares me that I just barely made it :( That means I have a lot to work on as I work through all the other stuff. Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing cuz thankfully I have two REALLY AMAZING teachers. One from my last semester, whose classes I really enjoy, and the other who knows her stuff at a godly level, and is really diligent in teaching us :)

With all that said, I have so many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for being able to afford to live in a place that has heating. It's no longer winter but it's still pretty cool out, and having hot showers is most definitely something to be thankful for.
2. The classmates I have this semester are pretty great.
3. My roommate makes having a roommate easy. She's super open to new things, she talks a lot, thus is CONSTANTLY keeping my (also) talkative self entertained at all times.
4. My students' moms really like me, and as much as I am no professional, it is always truly heartwarming to hear them tell me that their kid says "that was fun!"and one of them has offered me a job at her center with a visa and housing too. Something to consider & be absolutely grateful for.
5. I get to get my beautiful voice heard on the Korean airwaves, and I get to meet some really nice people when I work at the radio station. An opportunity that nothing can really replace (:
6. People around me are not terminally ill and I get to still hang out with them even if they're physically remote from me. Something that I've often taken for granted. :(
7. I got to meet up with my home boys and girls, and just the fact that I got to fly home to do that with no hiccups, is tear jerking, painfully GOOD.

I think I've lost myself a little bit. 

Now, it's up to me to make things work. 
Time to get back up. 

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

친구야, 고마워.

친구야,

네가 한국을 별로 좋아하지 않았는데 나를 돌봐 주고자 한국에 2번마다 1달 동안 한국에 있던 것을 잊을 수가 없어. 네 덕분에 나는 매일무거운 가방을 메지 않고 한국에 혼자서 생긴 외로움을 극복할 수 있었어. 네가  아니었다면 지금은 다른 사람들을 어떻게 잘 돌봐주고 격려하는지 알지 못 했을 거야.
아주 늦었지만 다시 한번 감사의 마음을 전하고 하는 일 모두 뜻대로 이루지기 바랄게~

고마워.. 친구야.

I hope you don't use Mr Goo for this. He did an awful job translating this.

Flair Friday