Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

She Used To Be Mine

At one point or another in our past, present, and future life, we'll have moments where we kinda lose ourselves. It's a pretty normal occurrence in our lives. It's all a part of our growth process.

I never quite got it but it started making sense to me after I read somewhere that life, like making ceramics (I took that class when I was in college), where you have to throw the wet clay onto the hard surface to make sure that the clay becomes compact enough for you to mould it into something stable and solid. When I read that, I thought about how in order to grow, you need those hard blows in order to gather understanding of your life, thoughts, and experiences which then propels you to become the star shiny bright person you have the potential to be.

And in the times when you get these blows, it's perfectly normal and okay to lose yourself and forget all the mind blowingly great qualities that you possess. In the tough times, it's difficult to remind ourselves of what we have as we naturally use more of our energy toward facing the problems we're faced with. And in the last months, especially weeks, I've forgotten about all the great things that make me, me.

I wallowed in so much of my sorrow and had let go of my Kim-like qualities. It wasn't till my lone visit to this one cafe by the Han River that I heard this song. And there I wept. I wept over my homework and my 5th tea refill.

"she is gone, but she used to be mine" 

But yesterday after voicing out how lost I feel at this period of time, followed by a long walk with my friend across the Han River twice (one over a bridge that actually has markings to encourage people not to end their lives), I came to the painful conclusion that I've allowed myself to be stuck in that painful time.. a little too long. 

I Once Watched A Video (Part III)

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

*        *         *

...that she had been selfish this whole time. Truth is, there isn't anyone in this world who is willing to love you more than you love them. No one would be willing to only sacrifice, only to get nothing in return. Because when they did, they'd become cold, and would leave. She met the man who really loved her, but there was no happiness to it. 

And so, she moved on, and told herself that she needs to actively love someone, and not only receive the love passively. 

Then it happened. She feel deeply in love with someone. She went on to tell the audience that if you really love someone, the other person's words are more than enough to send your heart on a roller coaster ride. If you really love someone, when the person isn't beside you, you feel your gut wrenching from missing that person. If you really love someone, doing the house chores for the person is nothing, because you're more than willing to do it for them. If you really love someone, you'd sacrifice anything and everything for them. In her case, she'd willingly sit on the ground and cut her partner's toenails. But man, she says, loving someone is really tiring, but brings immense joy. Because knowing that the other person is happy, everything is going well, and watching the other person's dreams come true, trumps being kind & sweet. She learnt that it is only when you really really love someone that you understand the essence of love. It's about sacrifice, not about robbing the other person of something. It's about sharing, not possessing. And when you really really love someone, you're hyper aware of all the chemical reactions that are taking place in your body. This effect doesn't happen only when you're receiving love. 

Not too long ago, her husband met the man that broke her heart. He told him that V had been such a big part of his life. She's supported me through so much, and without her, I don't know where I'd be. Shocked, her ex responded by saying that that is not the same person he remembers. But that means that she's changed, and grown: she's now more kind, compassionate, attentive, braver & tougher, more appreciative, and more willing to sacrifice.

So she goes on to emphasize on how vital it is to choose the one that we love. Because when the other person also chooses the one that they love, when you both come together, you're facing forward in life together, hand in hand, fueled by the love for one another. Because with that heart full of love, you can say wholeheartedly that "I will always aim to be better, because I love you" 

Here's the video. There's no subs but if you understand Chinese, you'd enjoy the video:

if you don't understand Chinese, I hope that I did a good job doing the re-tale of her love story.

A relationship is a strong one only if you both love each other without keeping tabs on how much love one is giving the other. Pick someone you love, not someone who loves you more. 

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Quarter Life Goodbye

As I sit at home with my laptop and dance practice song in attempt to remember the newly learnt dance steps, I'm also gathering the bits and pieces of 2015 and putting them into the separate bins of keepsake and once overs.

2015 was a year of wow, cha(lle)nges. I see how that looks weird, allow me to rephrase:

2015 was a year of wow, challenges and change.

January: I was finally packing up to make the move to Korea to learn the language in wish of landing myself in the entertainment industry.  And well, I fulfilled that.

February: A turning point of finding myself in an emotional whirl with news of a person who apparently wasn't prepared for a relationship but had ended up getting together with a familiar face. Took a scary tummy sink and self prep-talk to stop crying over spilt milk and to actually start focusing on myself and how I can be a better person as a whole.

March: I landed myself an internship/part time job that got me involved with radio which I really enjoy despite some hiccups. Then met some really cool dudes that owned a café near me who were very welcoming

April: I learnt that despite being placed into Level 1, that it wasn't really that elementary of a class. I also got to see first hand that insecure girlfriends from Korean dramas actually exist.

May: I got to see beautiful SUA babies spread their wings and join the transition club into "the real world" and got to meet some really inspiring alumni who have been making huge strides in their lives and communities

June: I decided that having cockroaches and other insects as my roommates were not really gonna gel with me. It was also the time that I highly objected to a lot of things that had changed someone close to me. I started missing the States and the conversations I had + thought about how much of a meanie I was to some people.

July: A good friend & fellow alumna visited! I attended PRIDE, and became a one event star (the photos are stunning) I wore rainbow and was stunned by the amount of anger shown by the religious group here that all I could do was throw signs of love back at them. But very quickly I started feeling kind of alone and frustrated, I was not quite sure about how to control my thoughts or anger. It was also very hot and humid, and having to go real estate hopping seeing stuff WAY over budget was beginning to get on my nerves. And going to school with a prick was making me a passive aggressive judgmental bitch who would voice out her opinions in front of the person but could not say it to the person's face. I finally found a new place thanks to my friend who agreed to brave the heat with me.

August: I missed home a lot. And so sought comfort back home through my friends and got pretty close to one who is now my biggest confidant & supporter apart from my family. I also started admiring my dance teacher, and was building mad respect for both my Level 2 teachers who are just such amazing individuals. Real examples of inspiring women. Then I met the youngest teacher who is seriously no rookie and who blew my socks off with her teaching skills. A month of teachers man. (tearing up a little to all the beautiful individuals) Maybe it was also the fact that I had already been one (for a couple months) myself too?

September: At quarter of a century old, I learnt that ALL parents have already had pedestals for their children, no matter how shitty they are (even if their children are 6'6'' tall assholes) and teachers in general have to build a really thick skin. Respect respect, RESPECT. I've also officially moved into my new place and flew back home for a couple of days for a wedding & also to Japan to have a much much much needed reunion with my classmates. This was also the month I spent A LOT but worth every single penny/yen/won/Ringgit.

October: Home came to me and so did the cold. In the previous months I got so lonely and I must say, lost that having my dear confidant come to Korea and stay for such a long time was a paradox. It was absolutely comforting but it was also a slap in the face of how rude I am as a person sometimes. And that also became another turning point for me. I'm sorry.

November: I took part in a video contest in school and the footage was amazing (ALSO THANKS TO MY CONFIDANT you know who you are) and did not like messaging people for the sake of getting likes, comments and shares. I did not like it one bit. Neither did I like the fact that they allowed another contestant in way after the application due date. Still not sure what was up with that, but I don't think that was fair for anyone (not just me) and it was also the month that I was the poorest because I had to pay for the outstanding school fees (there was an increase) and my laptop charger had been replaced by a newer, expensive version (the original is free with the laptop purchase). Did I also mention that my student became too busy for my classes and had basically no more extra income?

December: I welcomed the last month with an addition to my bank account after winning the video contest. But that had replaced the extra school fees and the laptop charger which that was great but I also started becoming more sensitive to my surroundings as I was more aware of what I wanted in terms of characteristics (in myself). I also started Level 4 which now has become a challenge of applying all I've learnt so far in doing presentations and expressing my thoughts (like a local). And it felt like eternity but I now have another student who is wonderful, adorable and learns fast! (She's also 6 and is excited for my classes to which I am so grateful and it gets me going) I'm also reunited with my fellow SUA alumni tonight ready glide through the night, the way I cannot do any other day.

I also made a quote that I'm super proud of and shall now be my way of approaching quite a lot of things....

At the radio station we recorded our last show for 2015 and while I do not believe in New Year's Resolution, I do want to make one that I would like to carry on into the many many years to come, but
1. To learn how to get my point across without sounding like an old lady.
2. To make many more mistakes so that I can laugh at myself more with everyone regardless
3. To push through my initial intimidation when it comes to meeting someone/ talking to others
4. To continue being straightforward, no matter how awkward/painfully scary it is but to admit my wrongs when I am corrected.

I also watched the movie About Time sans distraction and that got me thinking lately.

But yes, moving on, I'd love to constantly working on those things. It won't take 1 year for a complete turnover but progress even a little is a good thing. And I strongly believe that life is a never ending practice field. We should never stop learning, practicing, and growing.

Oh and about that quote:

"Kids are adults in small bodies, and adults are kids... in BIG bodies" 





Adios 2015. Gracias por todo.
Gracias a los putos también por las problemas que me dieron. Pero adios y jodete.

Picturesqued Thursday

As per usual, I try to look up stuff to have variety to talk about every morning.
And today is no different, but over the last couple days, you may have noticed some tweaks here and there.
Frankly, I felt like I wasn't growing/moving as a writer and so I've been trying to incorporate other things that'll hopefully give me some wiggle room to switch things up a little. So bare with me while I go through this process! (: But I digress..

Today, I found something that I think quite a lot of us can really enjoy: superheroes!

Depicting different perspectives on being a hero, we should remember that capes and fancy costumes are just optional (:

Pooh Thursday

Delayed Start

Revolutionary Thursday

Not A Humpty Dumpy Wednesday

Undefeated Monday

Monday Merdeka

Two years ago, today, I wrote something in honor of my beloved country, Malaysia, as a token for it's 56th birthday.

(just in case you're curious and missed it, click on "something in honor of my beloved country, Malaysia")

Here is how I ended it:

Malaysia, you have molded me into the person I am today.
Your education system, albeit horrifyingly flawed in countless manners, have helped me with languages.
Your people, a wondrous melting pot, has taught me to learn, respect, and accept other cultures and beliefs within and without my country.
Your food, a tease to the eyes, orgasmic to the tastebuds
Your natural beauty, a hidden gem, still remains a mystery to those who those who seek discovery.
Once a strategic location in history, caused many a fight between east and west.
Once a promising country, development on the rise.
But now, you're fifty six in age, looking back on your life thus far, what have you accomplished?

_________

Today, we mark yet another milestone, 58 years, almost at it's Diamond anniversary since it's independence from colonization. Yesterday, and the day before, we linked arms in solidarity, united as one to sit, pray, eat, sing, dance, and, in our own peaceful manner, fight for change, that is #Bersih
. On Day 1, as I scrolled through my Facebook, I saw photos of almost every friend from my generation showing up in their brand spanking new yellow tees, bright smiles, and groups of friends. My Facebook feed is literally crowded in selfies of those who attend and/or some sort of proof of their presence there...

to not pick among the selfie takers, I chose these photo by my cousin instead

However, by evening, things started to slow down. A lot less selfies, but a lot more uploads of what happened during and throughout the day. Maybe batteries were dying or dead, and can be used for later when the emergencies hit. I mean, not everyone has a Power Bank *points at self*, I get it.
Then night comes. A message in my group text. B chimes:"guys, stay the night, it's not done yet." A response out of 20 over individuals, "kudos for staying".

*   *   *

Day 2 of the rally.
Hmm, oddly little photos by the same people who have either camped out or got up early for Day 2.
As the day got hotter, still photos of & by the same people....
Instead of a sea of yellow, the photos have been replaced by latte art, wines, cheeses, vacations, #longweekend
But wait, what about the yellow tees?
Out of a (Kuala Lumpur) population of 1.67million people, only 300,000 showed up on day 2, which isn't even half...
Facebook is still playing news anchor with newsfeeds of, wait..
Who are wearing the yellow tees? My friends in their late 30s and 40s.
But of course, the ones in the US, more like, New York. Which presents a virtual but spectacular view.

photo of my cousin at night of Day 2.
Stunning, can it be better?



My question this year is (so bare with me on this one):
Malaysia, you have molded me into the person I am today.
Your education system, albeit horrifyingly flawed in countless manners, have helped me with languages.
Your food, a tease to the eyes, orgasmic to the tastebuds
Your people, a wondrous melting pot, has taught me to gather and unite through diversity, and be called minions to oppose something so poisonous to the land.
Your natural beauty, a hidden gem, still remains a mystery to those who those who seek discovery.
Once a strategic location in history, caused many a fight between east and west.
But now, you're almost sixty, yet still struggling to fight for a change that is still lightyears delayed.
You're another day, another year older but in the eyes of the youth, those lattes, wines, cheese platters, or long weekend vacations are way easier than camping out in the sun fighting for change.
So all those chants, for something better, something BERSIH, was just for a day or two?

borrowed from Malaysiakini

____________

I hope to be proven wrong, and that lots of people from my generation still decided that they could enjoy their beverages and foods with their fellow Malaysians, singing, dancing, cheering, and talking on the streets in KL. And that the #instagram worthy photos was a #throwback or something.

Because how can we progress if like a can of soda we fizz out and call it a day after less than 24 hours?
If we, the future of this country, decide to take the back seat and chill out, letting the older generation do the work, then when on Malaysia's 80th birthday, how are we gonna look like?

Monday Tuesday Late Day

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Stormy Hump Day

Leading Monday

Tuesday

Through Thursday

Testing Thursday

Just finished day 1 of exams, so please be kind (:

Thursday Trail

Tremendous Tuesday