She Used To Be Mine

At one point or another in our past, present, and future life, we'll have moments where we kinda lose ourselves. It's a pretty normal occurrence in our lives. It's all a part of our growth process.

I never quite got it but it started making sense to me after I read somewhere that life, like making ceramics (I took that class when I was in college), where you have to throw the wet clay onto the hard surface to make sure that the clay becomes compact enough for you to mould it into something stable and solid. When I read that, I thought about how in order to grow, you need those hard blows in order to gather understanding of your life, thoughts, and experiences which then propels you to become the star shiny bright person you have the potential to be.

And in the times when you get these blows, it's perfectly normal and okay to lose yourself and forget all the mind blowingly great qualities that you possess. In the tough times, it's difficult to remind ourselves of what we have as we naturally use more of our energy toward facing the problems we're faced with. And in the last months, especially weeks, I've forgotten about all the great things that make me, me.

I wallowed in so much of my sorrow and had let go of my Kim-like qualities. It wasn't till my lone visit to this one cafe by the Han River that I heard this song. And there I wept. I wept over my homework and my 5th tea refill.

"she is gone, but she used to be mine" 

But yesterday after voicing out how lost I feel at this period of time, followed by a long walk with my friend across the Han River twice (one over a bridge that actually has markings to encourage people not to end their lives), I came to the painful conclusion that I've allowed myself to be stuck in that painful time.. a little too long. 

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Ethereal

This quote was so ethereal I had to post it. With all the crap feelings I've been feelings, this, was so beautiful. It's a little like how we can't fully comprehend our feelings, and how we get lost in all the emotions, that we lose all comprehension of them, and start questioning our mental validities in understanding these feelings? 

Reading this quote, I felt like I was staring out at space. I see now why we see so much beauty in space. 

"Life contains the capacity, like flames that reach toward heaven, to transform suffering and pain into the energy needed for value-creation, into light that illuminates darkness. Like the wind traversing vast spaces unhindered, life has the power to uproot and overturn all obstacles and difficulties. Like clear flowing water, it can wash away all stains and impurities. And finally, life, like the great earth that sustains vegetation, impartially protects all people with its compassionate, nurturing force."

Human Hump Day

Emily Dowell 

is a cancer survivor who created a set of empathy cards to help those giving support, but who seem to kinda make things a little less nice.. And while many of them help with supporting those with an illness, this one stood out and applies to also a normal daily encounter. 

Sadly, there's always some sort of expectation or standard to live up to, and in many cases, we'd get into a state of negativity that somehow gets us to think we're lesser than what we are, sometimes resulting in us branding ourselves as something less. So I thought this would be a good reminder that we're all human, shit happens, and shitty feelings occur.. 

Op Thursday

Unfortunately it's only on Facebook..

Click here to go there (; 

Monday Tuesday Late Day

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