The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

Small Victories

My parents once told me that when I was learning how to write, I started out as a lefty and then some how somewhere along the lines I became a righty. It's pretty interesting because one of the early memories I had as a child was my hands having personas. And my right hand felt really annoyed and tired because it had to write and practically do everything.

So since I was a senior in college, I had started getting into the groove of using my left hand, starting with drawing class. But it wasn't till 2 years ago, when I was dating this lefty that I really wanted to be able to write with my left hand.
So for about... a year now (after seeing my ambidextrous colleague write cursive with her left hand and then also do so naturally with her right hand), I've been training my left hand in an effort to be ambidextrous. So far, one thing that feels like second nature now is actually brushing my teeth. I've also gotten good with doing the dishes and needs more work on buttoning with only my left hand but on and off, I would also write with my left hand. Usually the words would be the size of a dinosaur egg that looks like a toddler's handwriting. But today, I wrote a full paragraph of my essay with my left hand. It's still a bit of a struggle but I've managed to reduce my words to a decent size, and at a speed the Kim last year would be really envious of.

It definitely still leave much more to be desired but I am really happy with the improvement I've made so far.

She Used To Be Mine

At one point or another in our past, present, and future life, we'll have moments where we kinda lose ourselves. It's a pretty normal occurrence in our lives. It's all a part of our growth process.

I never quite got it but it started making sense to me after I read somewhere that life, like making ceramics (I took that class when I was in college), where you have to throw the wet clay onto the hard surface to make sure that the clay becomes compact enough for you to mould it into something stable and solid. When I read that, I thought about how in order to grow, you need those hard blows in order to gather understanding of your life, thoughts, and experiences which then propels you to become the star shiny bright person you have the potential to be.

And in the times when you get these blows, it's perfectly normal and okay to lose yourself and forget all the mind blowingly great qualities that you possess. In the tough times, it's difficult to remind ourselves of what we have as we naturally use more of our energy toward facing the problems we're faced with. And in the last months, especially weeks, I've forgotten about all the great things that make me, me.

I wallowed in so much of my sorrow and had let go of my Kim-like qualities. It wasn't till my lone visit to this one cafe by the Han River that I heard this song. And there I wept. I wept over my homework and my 5th tea refill.

"she is gone, but she used to be mine" 

But yesterday after voicing out how lost I feel at this period of time, followed by a long walk with my friend across the Han River twice (one over a bridge that actually has markings to encourage people not to end their lives), I came to the painful conclusion that I've allowed myself to be stuck in that painful time.. a little too long. 

I Once Watched A Video (Part III)

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

*        *         *

...that she had been selfish this whole time. Truth is, there isn't anyone in this world who is willing to love you more than you love them. No one would be willing to only sacrifice, only to get nothing in return. Because when they did, they'd become cold, and would leave. She met the man who really loved her, but there was no happiness to it. 

And so, she moved on, and told herself that she needs to actively love someone, and not only receive the love passively. 

Then it happened. She feel deeply in love with someone. She went on to tell the audience that if you really love someone, the other person's words are more than enough to send your heart on a roller coaster ride. If you really love someone, when the person isn't beside you, you feel your gut wrenching from missing that person. If you really love someone, doing the house chores for the person is nothing, because you're more than willing to do it for them. If you really love someone, you'd sacrifice anything and everything for them. In her case, she'd willingly sit on the ground and cut her partner's toenails. But man, she says, loving someone is really tiring, but brings immense joy. Because knowing that the other person is happy, everything is going well, and watching the other person's dreams come true, trumps being kind & sweet. She learnt that it is only when you really really love someone that you understand the essence of love. It's about sacrifice, not about robbing the other person of something. It's about sharing, not possessing. And when you really really love someone, you're hyper aware of all the chemical reactions that are taking place in your body. This effect doesn't happen only when you're receiving love. 

Not too long ago, her husband met the man that broke her heart. He told him that V had been such a big part of his life. She's supported me through so much, and without her, I don't know where I'd be. Shocked, her ex responded by saying that that is not the same person he remembers. But that means that she's changed, and grown: she's now more kind, compassionate, attentive, braver & tougher, more appreciative, and more willing to sacrifice.

So she goes on to emphasize on how vital it is to choose the one that we love. Because when the other person also chooses the one that they love, when you both come together, you're facing forward in life together, hand in hand, fueled by the love for one another. Because with that heart full of love, you can say wholeheartedly that "I will always aim to be better, because I love you" 

Here's the video. There's no subs but if you understand Chinese, you'd enjoy the video:

if you don't understand Chinese, I hope that I did a good job doing the re-tale of her love story.

A relationship is a strong one only if you both love each other without keeping tabs on how much love one is giving the other. Pick someone you love, not someone who loves you more. 

Love & Prayers to A

Today and yesterday has kinda got me hit in a way that has me kicking myself in the buttocks.

In an attempt of accomplishing a task, I contacted a complete stranger who, despite is gaining monetarily from this transaction. To make the story telling easier, let's name her A. A was an absolute angel in agreeing to help me accomplish my insanely challenging task. While many others who I had also contacted had stricter guidelines and restrictions (which I totally understood), A, in her goodness has taken on the task personally. Which had made me absolutely ecstatic!

But of course, being an insanely challenging task, there was the uncontrollable factors that prevented the task from being carried forward. And so she contacted me to seek out more help from my end. So after searching high and low, I found someone willing to join on this seemingly impossible task. Then I connected the two and my friend had started giving suggestions when we got a respond from A saying that her husband was in critical condition. Turns out that he had been sick for a while and had to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors said that he might not make it. But even despite all this, she was still putting me first, telling me that she'd refund me and things.

Even at a critical moment like that, she was putting me first. At that point, nothing else really mattered but her family. So of course my friend and I told A not to worry about the task and to just take care of her husband. It was the end of the night, so my friend and I called it a night.

Then today, A informed me that her husband passed away at midnight last night. At this point, I was post nap and had been insanely pissy the afternoon over some menial thing and was bitching to my friend who by that point was just cross and fed up with me. Haha. But the moment when I got that text from A, everything just stopped. And immediately felt like the biggest, most ungrateful child in the entire planet.

The rest of the night, I just kept harping on the fact that A, this angel, who had made it her mission to make other people's day a fantastic one despite dealing with a big thing at home. The rest of the night, till now, I've just been thinking about how lame I've been in making my problems seem so big. No doubt they are difficult to deal with, but man, they are small small small. And I should not be using any of it to be an excuse to be a shitty person. Which I have been of late. And I have so much to be ashamed of, with a major dose of reflection.

And so tonight, my prayers go out to A and her family in this painful time.

If you're reading this, please take a second to send A your prayers and love.

Quarter Life Goodbye

As I sit at home with my laptop and dance practice song in attempt to remember the newly learnt dance steps, I'm also gathering the bits and pieces of 2015 and putting them into the separate bins of keepsake and once overs.

2015 was a year of wow, cha(lle)nges. I see how that looks weird, allow me to rephrase:

2015 was a year of wow, challenges and change.

January: I was finally packing up to make the move to Korea to learn the language in wish of landing myself in the entertainment industry.  And well, I fulfilled that.

February: A turning point of finding myself in an emotional whirl with news of a person who apparently wasn't prepared for a relationship but had ended up getting together with a familiar face. Took a scary tummy sink and self prep-talk to stop crying over spilt milk and to actually start focusing on myself and how I can be a better person as a whole.

March: I landed myself an internship/part time job that got me involved with radio which I really enjoy despite some hiccups. Then met some really cool dudes that owned a café near me who were very welcoming

April: I learnt that despite being placed into Level 1, that it wasn't really that elementary of a class. I also got to see first hand that insecure girlfriends from Korean dramas actually exist.

May: I got to see beautiful SUA babies spread their wings and join the transition club into "the real world" and got to meet some really inspiring alumni who have been making huge strides in their lives and communities

June: I decided that having cockroaches and other insects as my roommates were not really gonna gel with me. It was also the time that I highly objected to a lot of things that had changed someone close to me. I started missing the States and the conversations I had + thought about how much of a meanie I was to some people.

July: A good friend & fellow alumna visited! I attended PRIDE, and became a one event star (the photos are stunning) I wore rainbow and was stunned by the amount of anger shown by the religious group here that all I could do was throw signs of love back at them. But very quickly I started feeling kind of alone and frustrated, I was not quite sure about how to control my thoughts or anger. It was also very hot and humid, and having to go real estate hopping seeing stuff WAY over budget was beginning to get on my nerves. And going to school with a prick was making me a passive aggressive judgmental bitch who would voice out her opinions in front of the person but could not say it to the person's face. I finally found a new place thanks to my friend who agreed to brave the heat with me.

August: I missed home a lot. And so sought comfort back home through my friends and got pretty close to one who is now my biggest confidant & supporter apart from my family. I also started admiring my dance teacher, and was building mad respect for both my Level 2 teachers who are just such amazing individuals. Real examples of inspiring women. Then I met the youngest teacher who is seriously no rookie and who blew my socks off with her teaching skills. A month of teachers man. (tearing up a little to all the beautiful individuals) Maybe it was also the fact that I had already been one (for a couple months) myself too?

September: At quarter of a century old, I learnt that ALL parents have already had pedestals for their children, no matter how shitty they are (even if their children are 6'6'' tall assholes) and teachers in general have to build a really thick skin. Respect respect, RESPECT. I've also officially moved into my new place and flew back home for a couple of days for a wedding & also to Japan to have a much much much needed reunion with my classmates. This was also the month I spent A LOT but worth every single penny/yen/won/Ringgit.

October: Home came to me and so did the cold. In the previous months I got so lonely and I must say, lost that having my dear confidant come to Korea and stay for such a long time was a paradox. It was absolutely comforting but it was also a slap in the face of how rude I am as a person sometimes. And that also became another turning point for me. I'm sorry.

November: I took part in a video contest in school and the footage was amazing (ALSO THANKS TO MY CONFIDANT you know who you are) and did not like messaging people for the sake of getting likes, comments and shares. I did not like it one bit. Neither did I like the fact that they allowed another contestant in way after the application due date. Still not sure what was up with that, but I don't think that was fair for anyone (not just me) and it was also the month that I was the poorest because I had to pay for the outstanding school fees (there was an increase) and my laptop charger had been replaced by a newer, expensive version (the original is free with the laptop purchase). Did I also mention that my student became too busy for my classes and had basically no more extra income?

December: I welcomed the last month with an addition to my bank account after winning the video contest. But that had replaced the extra school fees and the laptop charger which that was great but I also started becoming more sensitive to my surroundings as I was more aware of what I wanted in terms of characteristics (in myself). I also started Level 4 which now has become a challenge of applying all I've learnt so far in doing presentations and expressing my thoughts (like a local). And it felt like eternity but I now have another student who is wonderful, adorable and learns fast! (She's also 6 and is excited for my classes to which I am so grateful and it gets me going) I'm also reunited with my fellow SUA alumni tonight ready glide through the night, the way I cannot do any other day.

I also made a quote that I'm super proud of and shall now be my way of approaching quite a lot of things....

At the radio station we recorded our last show for 2015 and while I do not believe in New Year's Resolution, I do want to make one that I would like to carry on into the many many years to come, but
1. To learn how to get my point across without sounding like an old lady.
2. To make many more mistakes so that I can laugh at myself more with everyone regardless
3. To push through my initial intimidation when it comes to meeting someone/ talking to others
4. To continue being straightforward, no matter how awkward/painfully scary it is but to admit my wrongs when I am corrected.

I also watched the movie About Time sans distraction and that got me thinking lately.

But yes, moving on, I'd love to constantly working on those things. It won't take 1 year for a complete turnover but progress even a little is a good thing. And I strongly believe that life is a never ending practice field. We should never stop learning, practicing, and growing.

Oh and about that quote:

"Kids are adults in small bodies, and adults are kids... in BIG bodies" 





Adios 2015. Gracias por todo.
Gracias a los putos también por las problemas que me dieron. Pero adios y jodete.

Mini Stepped Tuesday

It's been a while since I wrote something and for good reason...

I've recently been feeling pretty stuck in my ways of writing and felt that the stuff I was putting out was not quite good for a while and so I've decided to take a sabbatical (HAHA) and go explore different writings and work my way to writing better.

But I've also been pretty swamped with school, work, and everything else that I find the extra hour of sleep in the morning to be pretty great. So do forgive me while I post sporadically over the span of the near future.. (:

Like today, with something great happening and I just had to tell the world about it.
Yesterday at work, I was asked about my New Year's Resolution. Though for the most part, I don't really believe in it because like a can of soda I kinda fizz out after giving myself too much time. So I am more on the side of making little goals to reach whatever it is I'm aiming at. And so I mentioned that I'm planning on going Zero Waste. If you look it up, you'll see some really interesting people on the interweb who usually advocate quite literally what the title is. Zero plastic, and waste to the point where they've been able to collect the trash they use over the span of whoever long they've been Zero Waste.

For me, I've a long way to go but I've already started by using alternatives to products that require tossing or even recycling for that matter. For examples, I urge you to go to your fridge or kitchen cupboards and see what's wrapped in material that need to either be recycled or thrown out..
I've also taken more steps to reducing my carbon foot print by switching out some of my products like sanitary pads/tampons with a menstrual cup, which is made of silicone and only need to be replaced every 10 years (a really great investment and also saving the planet).

Moving on, today was no exception. I knew I was going to buy my breakfast as I've not done grocery shopping as I'm also looking up alternatives to big corporations (instead via other sources that tie directly with farmers) again I regress. So I prepared my Tupperware for my bagel and cream cheese (there's an extra small container for the Tupperware just for that) and to my surprise the owner (who takes orders) told me that he was impressed by it and explained to me that the cost for things we take for granted (like plastic bags and paper wraps) are actually really expensive and he really liked the idea of me bringing in my own as it doesn't create any trash. Glad was he I got an extra stamp and am now 1 stamp away from my free bagel. Joyous!'

also brought my own coffee in my reused glass bottle!

I was really proud of myself and in I think my bagel tasted extra yummy today (not sure if it's cause I got the Onion bagel... Ooh, and my cream cheese has now been saved for when I have bread! Score!

Brokedown Friday

A sense of humor is much needed these last few days as things have started becoming challenging on it's own. And I guess I wasn't quite aware of the stress I had building inside until yesterday..

during my speaking exam.

Uh, yeah. I went to school feeling pretty good. I knew my grammar, I could usually just come up with something on the spot, and just re-use the stuff I said during class during the exam. Shouldn't be a big deal. So after the listening test, we waited outside the classroom while the other students did their tests. Then it was my turn.

Went into the room and sat before the teacher. In the past, all the other teachers have made some kind of small talk but not this one. I was told to read out loud for the 1st part, then it was straight onto the next part of doing a conversation. I struggled a little, nothing unusual really.

Then came the next part where I had to recount an experience I had at a concert. I thought about what I roughly wanted to say and said it... But, with a lot of effort. At one point, I got stuck and had a long pause. Then I told the teacher that I wasn't too confident. And then I broke down haha. She seemed pretty surprised that that happened and spent the next god knows how long to convince me that I was doing alright. And despite all that, I was still teary eyed and then we went on with the exam. I finished it all, and came out dying on the inside.

Needless to say, I didn't feel too great after that... And to add to it all, I learnt from my student's mother that we shan't be having class anymore due to her daughter's busy schedule. Man, that blows. I wasn't too taken aback as I was already expecting it. I mean, I went all the way there last week to find out that they had cancelled class, but because I had no phone, could not check the message they sent me.

But yeah. So yesterday I just spent the rest of the day at home, calmly looking through the past writings we made in prep for tomorrow's writing exam. And once all that's done, I'm going to go out and get some fresh air cuz I've only been studying this whole semester. Minus the dinner times, where I would basically eat nearby to save on travel time.

And well, today is a new day and there's no point dwelling in what happened yesterday. It was a painful experience but it's okay. Things happen, and that's all just a part of me now. Next part is what I can do to make even more memories. Whether or not they'll be good or a painful one like this one, it all adds to the charm of life.

Happy Friday to you (:

Picturesqued Thursday

As per usual, I try to look up stuff to have variety to talk about every morning.
And today is no different, but over the last couple days, you may have noticed some tweaks here and there.
Frankly, I felt like I wasn't growing/moving as a writer and so I've been trying to incorporate other things that'll hopefully give me some wiggle room to switch things up a little. So bare with me while I go through this process! (: But I digress..

Today, I found something that I think quite a lot of us can really enjoy: superheroes!

Depicting different perspectives on being a hero, we should remember that capes and fancy costumes are just optional (:

Tuesday Format

Fist Bump Hump Day

Monday Tuesday Late Day

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Thursday Tankers

Weekday Woes

I have either been messing with my phone or been so busy that I barely have time to upload the posts but here is the post from Wednesday and Thursday! (:

Wednesday Will

Tuesday Thirst

Wednesday!

Tremendous Tuesday

No Truffle Thursday

Woop Wednesday