Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

I Once Watched A Video (Part III)

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

*        *         *

...that she had been selfish this whole time. Truth is, there isn't anyone in this world who is willing to love you more than you love them. No one would be willing to only sacrifice, only to get nothing in return. Because when they did, they'd become cold, and would leave. She met the man who really loved her, but there was no happiness to it. 

And so, she moved on, and told herself that she needs to actively love someone, and not only receive the love passively. 

Then it happened. She feel deeply in love with someone. She went on to tell the audience that if you really love someone, the other person's words are more than enough to send your heart on a roller coaster ride. If you really love someone, when the person isn't beside you, you feel your gut wrenching from missing that person. If you really love someone, doing the house chores for the person is nothing, because you're more than willing to do it for them. If you really love someone, you'd sacrifice anything and everything for them. In her case, she'd willingly sit on the ground and cut her partner's toenails. But man, she says, loving someone is really tiring, but brings immense joy. Because knowing that the other person is happy, everything is going well, and watching the other person's dreams come true, trumps being kind & sweet. She learnt that it is only when you really really love someone that you understand the essence of love. It's about sacrifice, not about robbing the other person of something. It's about sharing, not possessing. And when you really really love someone, you're hyper aware of all the chemical reactions that are taking place in your body. This effect doesn't happen only when you're receiving love. 

Not too long ago, her husband met the man that broke her heart. He told him that V had been such a big part of his life. She's supported me through so much, and without her, I don't know where I'd be. Shocked, her ex responded by saying that that is not the same person he remembers. But that means that she's changed, and grown: she's now more kind, compassionate, attentive, braver & tougher, more appreciative, and more willing to sacrifice.

So she goes on to emphasize on how vital it is to choose the one that we love. Because when the other person also chooses the one that they love, when you both come together, you're facing forward in life together, hand in hand, fueled by the love for one another. Because with that heart full of love, you can say wholeheartedly that "I will always aim to be better, because I love you" 

Here's the video. There's no subs but if you understand Chinese, you'd enjoy the video:

if you don't understand Chinese, I hope that I did a good job doing the re-tale of her love story.

A relationship is a strong one only if you both love each other without keeping tabs on how much love one is giving the other. Pick someone you love, not someone who loves you more. 

Time?

 You know how people describe time moving in a certain way when they're doing a certain something/being with someone?

For example, when they say that a day feels like a year, when they're not with someone, like their beloved pet/their family/loved ones. And feels like everything goes by in a flesh because they're in the presence of said person?

I think I get it.

I'm in an emotional place where I feel that everyday passes so slowly and by the 31st day of absence, it feels like a long time has passed, and yet not so because I had been pre-occupied with whatever tasks I have at hand like school, my work, and all those things.

While I still can't fully/accurately explain nor articulate this time continuum that's eluding me, I do want to say that as I'm sitting here and typing this out, I'm feeling like a heavy pull of the clock ticking. However, I also feel simultaneously how my clock has managed to move so quickly since my lunch break and how I had intended to go to a cafe to study but ended up sitting at home instead.

Every passing moment seems rather painfully long but the clock keeps telling me otherwise.

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Thoughts, Thoughts, Feels

As years pass, I find myself more and more perplexed by my feelings which seem contrast pretty strongly from one another.

On the one hand, I've been feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I could shed a tear watching a good movie. Take for example,

this movie

or this movie

or when a person who I hold dear has to leave to go back to work, makes me friggin' bawl like a baby needing it's momma. It's as if my tear ducts have a mind of it's own!! Crazy. 

And well of course, all the not so pleasant stuff going on with my personal life nowadays.. I guess it's pretty much natural for me to also, just cry. And in these trying moments, I feel pretty much alone, with no one I can really turn to, nor anyone I could just call and spill my feelings out to. And since I have all this energy for seeking out friends to talk to, I've started chanting more and had the courage to speak back to myself and to critically start reflecting on my past (romantic) relationships. I'm happy to report that I believe I'm onto something here (though damn it's pretty damn hard to swallow all this about myself). 

I'd like to share it all, but to prematurely put my thoughts out would be my assumptive self trying to protect something. So instead, I'll just start with..

Recurring patterns in which my (last 2) relationships tend to play out:

1. No titles. I've wanted the relationship, but without the titles. For reasons that differ with each relationship. 

2. Our time together tended to include staying together a bunch (under the same roof)

3. I would try to convince myself that there is something worth pursuing, even though I would have other reasons as to why I should just let go before they do.

4. I didn't want to be the bad guy so I'd just convince myself to look on the bright side of the person/relationship. 

5. After convincing myself that leaving them is a bad idea, I would seek out the one thing I didn't want in the first place.

6. I'm left to pick up the pieces myself because they've gone to someone else. 

I think there's more. I need more time to get this list straight. 

Rainfall Tuesday

Yesterday, around the time I posted my blog post, I was once again going through some of the wall posts on my home. And there were some rather passionate people who like me, were calling others out.

Everyone seemed to be calling out different people for different reasons. And while some were more chill, some were pretty straightforward. And for some reason, I felt pretty bad. Seeing the amount of likes on one, and not adding to the statistics, I chatted one of my friends up and told her how I was feeling. More like I asked her...

"why do I feel bad for reading your post"

She responded in getting me to check myself in asking why?
So I told her that well, at the end of the day, after all this, I am just merely one person behind a keyboard.

And why does that matter? Well, cuz we all are. We can say all these things and be opinionated about whatever but ultimately we're all behind the safe haven of a keyboard. We're not on the frontline defending anyone, sacrificing our lives for anyone. Yet we have the most to say.

And I don't think it helps that France used violence to respond to violence.

Picturesqued Thursday

As per usual, I try to look up stuff to have variety to talk about every morning.
And today is no different, but over the last couple days, you may have noticed some tweaks here and there.
Frankly, I felt like I wasn't growing/moving as a writer and so I've been trying to incorporate other things that'll hopefully give me some wiggle room to switch things up a little. So bare with me while I go through this process! (: But I digress..

Today, I found something that I think quite a lot of us can really enjoy: superheroes!

Depicting different perspectives on being a hero, we should remember that capes and fancy costumes are just optional (:

Friday Fresh Out The Tank

Safe Saturday

Took a stroll this morning and am now a little sleepy. So nap time!

Long Overdue: Rain

Up until recently, the rain in KL was rather crazy. There were times when I was stranded some place because of the incessant rain that felt endless. You wouldn't hear a complain from me if that happened! :)

For I've always loved the rain. As a teen, while waiting to be picked up from school (this is HOURS after the last bell), I'd wait in the shade alone (now that I think about it, I'm amazed at how it was ever not okay for a young girl like me to be sitting there alone) until there was rain. When the little droplets would say hi, I'd wave back. When the teenage bits would arrive, I'd still sit and wait till it was pouring heavy before I made my entrance. Clad in my uniform, hair still in my ponytail, I'd slowly edge my way into the rain and the take a short stroll, until my vision could no longer carry the strong meteors that hit my face with much gusto. Anyway, I love the rain. Ever since I could remember, rain seemed to engrave some rather memorable moments in my mind cloud.

About a few weeks ago, there was a flu/cold bug that seemed to have attached itself to many (myself included). At the time, someone I knew texted me about how the drop in octave of his voice would make it rain harder every time he spoke. Rather amusing chap. But then again, it wasn't all that curious to me, because when I read that message, it took me back to when I was in primary school, little seven year old me, who sat quite near the back door of my classroom (the doors are always open by the way). I recall so vividly the environment that would fly by that open door. Especially when it rained. For some funny reason, I used to think that the rain would come whenever I felt upset. It seemed to me that when I was sad, the rain would visit, and when I was morose, it'd rain cats and dogs as a reflection of my emotions. The same way in reverse, the rain would subside whenever my mood was elevated.

Odd coincidence? Perhaps. While, fast forward to today, that definitely isn't the case, I'd still like to think of myself of actually having that ability at a young age. Young at heart, definitely, I am not even shy to admit that I am still clinging onto that spirit now. I don't think that part of me will ever "grow up" or grow out of that. A figment of my childhood imagination, it is these memories that stay with me for a really long time.

Oh, and as for another memory that rain has etched into my brain, was when I was 18. I was leaving college, walking out of campus, when I heard the rain. As I turned my back to see the direction in which it was heading, it was actually charging towards me from the campus building, like a bull in the ring, furiously. "RUN!" was all I could think of. But boy, what a sight to behold!

Yeah, I love the rain.

Love,
Kim

Wonky Wednesday

I think I need to make a determination to be up before sunrise. 

I really wanna sit at the dining table with a nice cup of coffee and breakfast with my parents to kick off my day..

Seeking Refuge

There's something rather serene about this picture that I really love. This was during our Senior trip, when we thought we had time to spare in taking a short break before regrouping with the rest. We detoured and decided to stop at this empty area and take photos. I think I was taking a picture of a lady bug when this happened. 

Photo credit: Jin Seonmi

Flipping through my old photos I'm suddenly reminded of the people who were once significant to me but no longer is a part of my life. I'm suddenly recalled of the moments that seemed so precious, yet now has been dumped into the folder of fleeting moments that hurt. Looking at this photo, I feel a little sad for the me in the photo. As if there was something bothering me, yet, I'm trying to distract myself from it by focusing on the lady bug. On the other hand, there's something so comforting about this photo that allowed me some leeway to running away from whatever that was bugging me. So I guess, in that, I take some sort of emotional refuge. 

Also, I think it might also be the fact that I miss having red hair. 

Friday Feels

Last night, a close friend and business partner of mine shared the story of a former classmate who lived in so much joy despite the circumstances in his life. 

She related the story on how moving from an International school to a government school was possibly one of the best gifts she's ever gotten and when I asked about this amazing individual who changed her life, I was shocked to learn that not only did he move to Ipoh to be with his grandmother, but that he had also lost his life to kidney problems. 

My heart broke last night.

I hope we all take something from this video and the lessons from how Chee Hang led his life with so much vibrance and resilience. 

Sundays Excluded!

If you know me, you'd know that I'm an avid believer in constantly improving myself. So, what better way to learn and share that with the world?

Thus, I think around mid November, I started a broadcast, telling people either a new fact, or sharing a quote/thought for the day. Monday to Saturday, I send out these messages.

So how about this, instead of having to constantly update my blog, since I know I cannot do this on a daily basis, I'll just send a screenshot of the message, here!

Sounds like a decent trade off for now, no?

Frankly, I'm a bit sad because I really wish I could include a drawing of whatever it is that I wrote about, but my phone is pretty old and cannot really accommodate that, and it isn't usually till the morning that I know for sure what it is that I wanna talk about. (So, I'd have a few ideas before going to bed, but would only be sure of the topic of my choice when I'm facing my phone in the morning). But eitherway, I'm figuring out ways to actually make that happen. But one thing at a time la I guess? :)

Alright. Recap: 

• I will post my daily broadcasts here in the form of a screenshot. 
• I am in the process of adding illustrations, but just need to figure out how. 

Sidenote reminder: This is excluded on Sundays. My off day! Haha. 
PS- suggestions are more than welcome

Love,
Kim

Another Year, Another Chapter

Hello everyone!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Allow me to take this time to apologize for the lack of posts. I am slacking in this whole blogging thing and yeah, I DEFINITELY need to bark up. I do apologize, I really do. The last few months have been madness at its core. There have been as many heartwarming instances as there were crushing ones. But if you were to ask me, I’d like to think that these were the things that have made 2014 a rather eventful year. One filled with lots of stories to tell and experiences to take with me. 

If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.

1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.

2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.

3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.

4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...

Up, up, up, and away! :) 

Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)


Lots of love,
Kim

Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this. 

Tipping My Head Up

Hey everyone.

Yes, I know, it's been an awfully long time since my last post, which wasn't in all jolly happy. And the reason why I've been MIA the last four months, well, it's cause more things were pouring in. More heartache, challenges, work stress, and also health issues (though this one isn't as bad as it sounds).

Like everyone thwarted into the reality of post-graduation life, things hit be in all directions. Relentlessly, tirelessly, I resisted falling on my feet, but of course, as life has it panned out for me, I fell. Onto the ground. Hard.

Personally, I enjoy roller coaster rides, the thrill and the heights (despite my increasingly deathly fear of it) tickles me, resulting in a belly ache from the laughter during the ride. But when you're on life's roller coaster ride, I fell, I was like one of those unfortunate souls who during the openings, fell off her seat, and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

But anyway, I'm picking myself back up and moving on in life. I'm also on a trip of constant self-improvement. More roller coaster rides to ensue and more people to piss off (unintentionally most of the time but if intentional, it's cause I see some sort of injustice and am standing up for it), myself included cause you know, I'm still learning! And the learning process can be frustrating! haha

But moving on, I'll do my best to post as much as I can!
Starting with the events that are taking place (wherever I am).

And to commemorate this new beginning, here's a photo of me and my new hair haha

Unfiltered, sans make up, pre-hair wash too haha

Excuse the tired face, this was a day after almost 2 days of flying.

Hair maker: Su Jane (rawr I wub ju)

Cheers to a new start!

Love,

Kim 

How Do You Feel?

Well, to be honest, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed. Haha. A lot has happened in the last month or so and I'm truly really just overwhelmed with emotion. I think especially in the last few days. But after today, I feel even more overwhelmed than I've been haha.


Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role  in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:

So, about the...

Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.

Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.



It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.

It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.




So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.

When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.

back to the question:

how do you (I) feel?

I honestly don't know.