To My Superman, Dad

One of my earliest memories I've had was me in my little red pinafore around the age of 4/5 going to a Chinese kindergarten. Then, the uniform was as such that little girls had to wear red pinafores to school. And the only thing that I can recall about that dark dark time (in my opinion pretty darn dark because I could speak zero Mandarin then), besides peeing my pants in front of everyone, was my dad in his necktie, carrying me as I cried and said I didn't wanna go to school.

Another memory I have (though I can honestly say with full conviction that I have ZERO memories of this) of my dad and I is this one photo of me when I was a tiny little baby. He was holding baby me by the back of my neck while propping me up by my bum.

I remember seeing that photo for the first time when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It's actually my dad's favorite photo of me. For as long as I can remember, my dad has always talked about it. He must really like that photo haha.

But enough about all these little snippets of memories. As I write this, looking back today in retrospect, I can't quite recall my dad being very vocal about things. When it came to punishing us, mom was always the one in charge. Whenever it came to us asking the parents for permission, it was always/ mostly through mom's approval. Dad seldom got mad, but instead would get impatient. He'd get impatient when we would get ready to go out to eat. He was always (even till this very day) the first to be downstairs and ready to head out. It's as if his insatiable love and passion about food motivates him to be on his toes, ready for his feast. He wouldn't say it but I guess deep down we all knew that dad was just tremendously excited to be trying out the new restaurants that he had heard about (especially since it was all word-of-mouth then). Needless to say, dad's true love, besides mom, was food. But that love was also translated in the fantastically amazing yet simple cooking. Both my parents are amazing cooks and I've learnt so much from the both of them. Growing up, I always remember dad in his apron & his top off, cooking for us but also calling out to me to make sure I'm standing next to him so I could "learn how to cook". He used to follow it by saying "I tell you ah, next time it'll come in handy when you go to university". And actually, it was my dad who taught me how to cook for the first time in my life. The first thing I learnt how to cook (instant noodles do not count) was fried eggs.

I was about 8 years old. It was a Sunday morning, and the night before, dad had told me that he was going to teach me how to fry an egg. Then, we lived in a house where our "wet" kitchen was actually not within the house. But sorta adjacent to the kitchen door (we had 2 entrances to the house, one the main door, which was used when guests came/ late at night, the other, the kitchen door). I used what felt like a giant kuali and fried my first ever egg. I remember that morning, I was so excited to learn it that I sprinted down to fry the egg and started without my dad (I had seen the adults do it so many times I figured it was a piece of cake to do it myself. And of course, SUCCESS!) then as I was almost done frying my first egg, he appeared and said that it looked good! I could remember the overwhelming feeling I got from a successful fried egg + dad's approval + most importantly, not killing myself haha. Right afterwards, he got me to fry 4 more & I was more than happy to do so. Possibly one of the best days of my life, etched in my memory for the rest of my life. 

Dad was always excited about food. He taught my brother and I how to eat steak, salmon, to use cutlery properly, and even why it's important to know how to use chopsticks. Since we (my brother and I) were young, he and mom had always done everything in their power to make sure that we were well exposed to various kinds of tastes, cultures, and backgrounds. If you know me well enough, you'd know that I'm always super down to try new things. Be it foods, books, activities, or even fashion styles, I'm always down. And it's all thanks to my parents. My parents also made it a point to get both of us to learn how to do menial tasks. From whistling (this is also another one of my favorite memories! But I'll save that for another time), to changing a light bulb, dad (& mom) taught us to how to buy newspaper from the uncle downstairs without being scared. Now you know where I learnt how to do so many things.

So today, I honor not only my father, but both my parents for being supportive of one another, and for teaching me that both mom and dad are equal. What mom can do, dad can as well. Vice versa. Growing up, I never saw the binary of what men should only do, etc. Instead, I saw both my parents on equal playing fields as men & women and I'm tremendously grateful for having such fantabulous parents like these two individuals (although like every human being, they have their flaws and I can't stand them sometimes -They, me too, I'm sure-) but both of them have taught my brother and I ample things that many seem to take for granted.

So thank you, mom & dad. Thank you for being such superheroes!


Love ya!

The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

Who's A Hot Mess?

Whoa.

The last month has been such an insanely busy one!
I've taken yet another break from the blogging because I was busy conducting work/catching up with school, and... my life in general.

From my current position, looking at myself, I am somewhat of a mess.

I just found out that:

1. The Visa I had intended on getting cannot be obtained with my current Visa.
2. After this semester, I only have till August to LEARN and make all the mistakes I can make in my Korean learning process.
3. Everyday is a conscious and painful effort to focus on my work, and not on the social media of the person I wish I could talk to instead.
4. I'm starting to wonder if I'm sane anymore. Especially with what I say. I could've sworn that I said A, but I end up getting an angry recount of what I said because I've offended the opposite party. That or what they recall is definitely different from what (I can positively attest to) I've said.
5. This one isn't particularly pressing but. For the school club activities, pizza parties have been scraped, and so have... performing (especially so for Dance and Singing Club. What's the point if we don't showcase the awesome stuff we've learnt?)
 6. I'm worried about my future, and my family, especially my parents and how they're taking care of their health :( & also my beloved doggy. Mom told me that she was really sad when I went away for 2 days (after going home), so much so, she didn't wanna eat. That breaks my heart.

One good news is I managed to complete Level 4, albeit barely. I made it! But it still scares me that I just barely made it :( That means I have a lot to work on as I work through all the other stuff. Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing cuz thankfully I have two REALLY AMAZING teachers. One from my last semester, whose classes I really enjoy, and the other who knows her stuff at a godly level, and is really diligent in teaching us :)

With all that said, I have so many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for being able to afford to live in a place that has heating. It's no longer winter but it's still pretty cool out, and having hot showers is most definitely something to be thankful for.
2. The classmates I have this semester are pretty great.
3. My roommate makes having a roommate easy. She's super open to new things, she talks a lot, thus is CONSTANTLY keeping my (also) talkative self entertained at all times.
4. My students' moms really like me, and as much as I am no professional, it is always truly heartwarming to hear them tell me that their kid says "that was fun!"and one of them has offered me a job at her center with a visa and housing too. Something to consider & be absolutely grateful for.
5. I get to get my beautiful voice heard on the Korean airwaves, and I get to meet some really nice people when I work at the radio station. An opportunity that nothing can really replace (:
6. People around me are not terminally ill and I get to still hang out with them even if they're physically remote from me. Something that I've often taken for granted. :(
7. I got to meet up with my home boys and girls, and just the fact that I got to fly home to do that with no hiccups, is tear jerking, painfully GOOD.

I think I've lost myself a little bit. 

Now, it's up to me to make things work. 
Time to get back up. 

Love & Prayers to A

Today and yesterday has kinda got me hit in a way that has me kicking myself in the buttocks.

In an attempt of accomplishing a task, I contacted a complete stranger who, despite is gaining monetarily from this transaction. To make the story telling easier, let's name her A. A was an absolute angel in agreeing to help me accomplish my insanely challenging task. While many others who I had also contacted had stricter guidelines and restrictions (which I totally understood), A, in her goodness has taken on the task personally. Which had made me absolutely ecstatic!

But of course, being an insanely challenging task, there was the uncontrollable factors that prevented the task from being carried forward. And so she contacted me to seek out more help from my end. So after searching high and low, I found someone willing to join on this seemingly impossible task. Then I connected the two and my friend had started giving suggestions when we got a respond from A saying that her husband was in critical condition. Turns out that he had been sick for a while and had to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors said that he might not make it. But even despite all this, she was still putting me first, telling me that she'd refund me and things.

Even at a critical moment like that, she was putting me first. At that point, nothing else really mattered but her family. So of course my friend and I told A not to worry about the task and to just take care of her husband. It was the end of the night, so my friend and I called it a night.

Then today, A informed me that her husband passed away at midnight last night. At this point, I was post nap and had been insanely pissy the afternoon over some menial thing and was bitching to my friend who by that point was just cross and fed up with me. Haha. But the moment when I got that text from A, everything just stopped. And immediately felt like the biggest, most ungrateful child in the entire planet.

The rest of the night, I just kept harping on the fact that A, this angel, who had made it her mission to make other people's day a fantastic one despite dealing with a big thing at home. The rest of the night, till now, I've just been thinking about how lame I've been in making my problems seem so big. No doubt they are difficult to deal with, but man, they are small small small. And I should not be using any of it to be an excuse to be a shitty person. Which I have been of late. And I have so much to be ashamed of, with a major dose of reflection.

And so tonight, my prayers go out to A and her family in this painful time.

If you're reading this, please take a second to send A your prayers and love.

Tuesday Apologies

Hey guys!

You might be wondering why the daily broadcasts have not been posted here :(
I wonder the same too actually...

The broadcasts still go out on a daily basis but for some reason, Blogger does not work on my new phone :( I can't seem to be able to publish the posts after typing them up.
I'm still yet to understand why this all happens.
Meanwhile, please bare with me while I sort this whole thing out.

So after painstakingly trying to figure out how this all works, are the broadcasts from the last few days..

At the same time, I am also working on some other stuff that is also taking up a big chunk of my time, reducing the amount of time I'm actually able to spend on this already empty blog. But no worries, I'll make sure to definitely check back in here as much as I can, and to update on things :)

So here're a few photos of my most recent weekend with my extra special family, aka major support system outside my home :)

The weekend has been rewarding to say the least. After running like crazy, the weekend came as a reward, full of smiles, painful feet (from wearing heels for an extended period of time), and a good day's rest. The company that I kept as well was just the cherry on top. So much love, so much support, so much laughter to start the week :) 

Monday was also another amazing day of support, encouragement, that I couldn't have asked for a better way to kick off my week! Thus, inspiring my broadcast for the next day

Here's Tuesday's broadcast:

Have a good one!

PS- Will still do my best to check back in as much as I can. 

Love,

Kim