To My Superman, Dad

One of my earliest memories I've had was me in my little red pinafore around the age of 4/5 going to a Chinese kindergarten. Then, the uniform was as such that little girls had to wear red pinafores to school. And the only thing that I can recall about that dark dark time (in my opinion pretty darn dark because I could speak zero Mandarin then), besides peeing my pants in front of everyone, was my dad in his necktie, carrying me as I cried and said I didn't wanna go to school.

Another memory I have (though I can honestly say with full conviction that I have ZERO memories of this) of my dad and I is this one photo of me when I was a tiny little baby. He was holding baby me by the back of my neck while propping me up by my bum.

I remember seeing that photo for the first time when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It's actually my dad's favorite photo of me. For as long as I can remember, my dad has always talked about it. He must really like that photo haha.

But enough about all these little snippets of memories. As I write this, looking back today in retrospect, I can't quite recall my dad being very vocal about things. When it came to punishing us, mom was always the one in charge. Whenever it came to us asking the parents for permission, it was always/ mostly through mom's approval. Dad seldom got mad, but instead would get impatient. He'd get impatient when we would get ready to go out to eat. He was always (even till this very day) the first to be downstairs and ready to head out. It's as if his insatiable love and passion about food motivates him to be on his toes, ready for his feast. He wouldn't say it but I guess deep down we all knew that dad was just tremendously excited to be trying out the new restaurants that he had heard about (especially since it was all word-of-mouth then). Needless to say, dad's true love, besides mom, was food. But that love was also translated in the fantastically amazing yet simple cooking. Both my parents are amazing cooks and I've learnt so much from the both of them. Growing up, I always remember dad in his apron & his top off, cooking for us but also calling out to me to make sure I'm standing next to him so I could "learn how to cook". He used to follow it by saying "I tell you ah, next time it'll come in handy when you go to university". And actually, it was my dad who taught me how to cook for the first time in my life. The first thing I learnt how to cook (instant noodles do not count) was fried eggs.

I was about 8 years old. It was a Sunday morning, and the night before, dad had told me that he was going to teach me how to fry an egg. Then, we lived in a house where our "wet" kitchen was actually not within the house. But sorta adjacent to the kitchen door (we had 2 entrances to the house, one the main door, which was used when guests came/ late at night, the other, the kitchen door). I used what felt like a giant kuali and fried my first ever egg. I remember that morning, I was so excited to learn it that I sprinted down to fry the egg and started without my dad (I had seen the adults do it so many times I figured it was a piece of cake to do it myself. And of course, SUCCESS!) then as I was almost done frying my first egg, he appeared and said that it looked good! I could remember the overwhelming feeling I got from a successful fried egg + dad's approval + most importantly, not killing myself haha. Right afterwards, he got me to fry 4 more & I was more than happy to do so. Possibly one of the best days of my life, etched in my memory for the rest of my life. 

Dad was always excited about food. He taught my brother and I how to eat steak, salmon, to use cutlery properly, and even why it's important to know how to use chopsticks. Since we (my brother and I) were young, he and mom had always done everything in their power to make sure that we were well exposed to various kinds of tastes, cultures, and backgrounds. If you know me well enough, you'd know that I'm always super down to try new things. Be it foods, books, activities, or even fashion styles, I'm always down. And it's all thanks to my parents. My parents also made it a point to get both of us to learn how to do menial tasks. From whistling (this is also another one of my favorite memories! But I'll save that for another time), to changing a light bulb, dad (& mom) taught us to how to buy newspaper from the uncle downstairs without being scared. Now you know where I learnt how to do so many things.

So today, I honor not only my father, but both my parents for being supportive of one another, and for teaching me that both mom and dad are equal. What mom can do, dad can as well. Vice versa. Growing up, I never saw the binary of what men should only do, etc. Instead, I saw both my parents on equal playing fields as men & women and I'm tremendously grateful for having such fantabulous parents like these two individuals (although like every human being, they have their flaws and I can't stand them sometimes -They, me too, I'm sure-) but both of them have taught my brother and I ample things that many seem to take for granted.

So thank you, mom & dad. Thank you for being such superheroes!


Love ya!

3 Weeks, Out.

Over the last three weeks, I took a hiatus.

Only contacting people who I wanted to see, an attending events/doing things that I really wanted to do. I crossed off bucket lists, added to my own "criminal" reputation (it's just a speeding ticket haha I'm mocking the officer who said the speed I was at minus 7mph was criminal haha), visited quite a good amount of places, and all on my own expense.

In the last 3 weeks, I had the marvelous privilege of watching a fantastic author receive his honorary doctorate degree from Yale, meet up with fantastic individuals, cozied in with some amazing people who treat me like family, have chats with my former professors, bawled my eyes out to people who then smothered me with hugs, love, encouragement, and a refreshed sense of determination & heart, and basically, have the rare opportunity to have heart-to-heart conversations about life, and emotions. In the last 3 weeks, I cried, laughed, sang, hugged (A LOT), talked, and listened to so much, that I feel prepared again for what's to come.

Instead of bombarding you with all these words, I'll just leave some of these here...

when you go get Kickin' Crab and the soccer match is on

Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

What A Week!

WOW.

What a week it's been.

While things had seemed to be a little routine, small things would take me by surprise. One after another.




Monday was all quiet, just a day of doing homework and doing what is needed.

Tuesday 

was the day I had a chance to have a nice decent conversation with someone I'm always really nervous around. I got to know this person a little more and that always makes my day a little better. I also learnt that despite being insanely skinny, this person still feels insecure about the body. That was pretty cool to absorb, but what was also cool was this person's ability to eat fried chicken 4 times a month and still remain in that frame *envy*. To top things off, my student was also being pretty good at her work despite feeling a little under the weather.

Wednesday 

was pretty loud as it was the day we had to figure out assigned work for each individual within my group for our little survey project. The results were also really cool cuz I got to learn that even a celebrity like G-Dragon will use all the coupons he has on the fried chicken he orders. Not only that, G-Dragon and Daesung actually drinks wine with their fried chicken. Definitely a first. Not to mention Daesung's water pairing with fried chicken. Which isn't too surprising because in my stingy self, I also avoid ordering soda and settle for water instead. But to have it as a choice drink was hilarious. A fantastic reminder that celebrities are human, and we should calm down lol.

Thursday

was the day I found out my cousin was coming to town but didn't bother telling me. So I was a little disappointed. But it also worked out well cuz I also got to make plans with our friends who I was super stoked to see on Saturday. I also had lunch with my classmates and a classmate from Level 4 and it was a good reflection of myself and how I've been handling my relationship situations. Which isn't too well. But all good because I needed the reminder.

Friday

was great cuz I slept.. quite a fair amount. Granted, not enough to make up for the lost sleep but good enough :) I basically stayed home to nurse my headache. But I also really wanted some grilled pork so I went to get some alone. The other day in class, we had a discussion on doing things alone, and how you never really see anyone doing things alone + how there are all these levels.. where certain levels are for example, reading at a cafe, to traveling alone, to grilling your own meat at a BBQ restaurant... Truth is, those things stopped bothering me after a while. It used to bother me soooo much but I outgrew that, thank goodness. And I had been wanting to have some grilled pork for so long and was impatient with waiting for someone to go with me. So I just went. IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I also got to check out a cool scene for my short video contest! Once it's done, I'll share it and y'all have to help me share it on Facebook okay? :)

Saturday 

was super fun. Though it started with some attitude from my student, but ended well cuz we played games and she really enjoyed it, and she didn't have to be punished for being bored (something I definitely cannot blame her for). Then it was filming with Sun and basically doing touristy stuff on the campus that I, by nature, don't do because I go there. Then, it was meeting my friends and beloved cousin...

(cont'd)

How do I?

My emotions have been up and down recently due to a variety of things going on.

I've also been challenging myself to link myself to positive things and in doing so, feed away from the less pleasant emotions that have been gently biting at my heart.


So if you are new here and have not been reading my previous posts, I was broken up with a few months ago. I shall spare you the details and instead just go straight to the point. I was broken up with because essentially, I wasn't the person of choice.

Now, with that said, I wasn't always the most honest person with my emotions either.
As a result, myself asking myself if I should or shouldn't let go of this person was what I kinda battled with until I unexpectedly got a goodbye.

To which after, I just became ridden with regret. 

But with all that said and done, I'm not gonna lie but I hate being the one who breaks up with the person so I wait to be broken up with.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the way my emotions and psyche deals with relationships. And of late, it's made me more observant of other couples while being a little more impatient of my own character.


So going to the title, as you can see, is my question of How Do I?
How do I deal with this? I feel like such an amateur rookie it's not fun :(

To Lifelong Travel Partners!

A friend and I were talking about marriage.

She's recently married and I...

I think I would like to get married many a times. The novelty of getting married from the cakes, the gifts, the reunion of people for a special occasion, the food, cake, and OMG the dress(!) are the sole reasons why I want to get married.

Yes Kim, they're called weddings. 

Something that she said kinda hit me though...

You know how people say "if you wanna know if the person is right for you, you travel with them"? The reason why they say that is because when you travel with someone, you come to learn about the person. Their true colors, specifically. Everything from their habits, their responses, to their pet peeves.

My friend said "marrying another person is like having a travel companion. A lifelong travel companion."

That really hit me because my parents are now in the phase where they're travelling the world, seeing things before they become too weak to walk. On their trips, they'll send photos of them to our group chats and they always look so fantastically joyful in them. Granted, we've also been travelling since I can remember, and plus, they met abroad. That... they've been "married" since even before they signed the papers... so to speak. And they're really happy together.

In the past, I've had some not-so-great and some pretty nice travel ventures with people. While some ended in a sour note, I've had some that were pretty damn great. Well. Sorta. To be honest, I've not travelled with enough people to say so. But the last time I travelled somewhere with someone (who wasn't my parents), I was in a crappy mood because we missed the train due to my tardiness. But the person who I was travelling with was such an angel and took very good care of me.

Travelling with parents is also another stressful thing (especially when they rely on you for translation), but more on that another time.

If marriage was as simple as just having "that lifelong travel partner", then I'd love to get married. Though if that really were the case, I would be much willing to give up on the novelty of a wedding and just use the money to go explore new territory.

With that said...

Be Mine? 

HA. Psych. I clearly have a longer way to go in terms of getting myself off the ground, and in a direction where I'm at absolute peace with myself before someone's inner peace can vibe with mine and would be willing to travel with me. Though some new stuff is in the midst of happening, where I travel and talk about it on video. So do stay tuned for more on that!

I Once Watched A Video (Part III)

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

*        *         *

...that she had been selfish this whole time. Truth is, there isn't anyone in this world who is willing to love you more than you love them. No one would be willing to only sacrifice, only to get nothing in return. Because when they did, they'd become cold, and would leave. She met the man who really loved her, but there was no happiness to it. 

And so, she moved on, and told herself that she needs to actively love someone, and not only receive the love passively. 

Then it happened. She feel deeply in love with someone. She went on to tell the audience that if you really love someone, the other person's words are more than enough to send your heart on a roller coaster ride. If you really love someone, when the person isn't beside you, you feel your gut wrenching from missing that person. If you really love someone, doing the house chores for the person is nothing, because you're more than willing to do it for them. If you really love someone, you'd sacrifice anything and everything for them. In her case, she'd willingly sit on the ground and cut her partner's toenails. But man, she says, loving someone is really tiring, but brings immense joy. Because knowing that the other person is happy, everything is going well, and watching the other person's dreams come true, trumps being kind & sweet. She learnt that it is only when you really really love someone that you understand the essence of love. It's about sacrifice, not about robbing the other person of something. It's about sharing, not possessing. And when you really really love someone, you're hyper aware of all the chemical reactions that are taking place in your body. This effect doesn't happen only when you're receiving love. 

Not too long ago, her husband met the man that broke her heart. He told him that V had been such a big part of his life. She's supported me through so much, and without her, I don't know where I'd be. Shocked, her ex responded by saying that that is not the same person he remembers. But that means that she's changed, and grown: she's now more kind, compassionate, attentive, braver & tougher, more appreciative, and more willing to sacrifice.

So she goes on to emphasize on how vital it is to choose the one that we love. Because when the other person also chooses the one that they love, when you both come together, you're facing forward in life together, hand in hand, fueled by the love for one another. Because with that heart full of love, you can say wholeheartedly that "I will always aim to be better, because I love you" 

Here's the video. There's no subs but if you understand Chinese, you'd enjoy the video:

if you don't understand Chinese, I hope that I did a good job doing the re-tale of her love story.

A relationship is a strong one only if you both love each other without keeping tabs on how much love one is giving the other. Pick someone you love, not someone who loves you more. 

Week Two: "And I Built A Home"

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home

And I built a home
For you
For me

Until you disappeared
From me
From you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground has arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of his skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down

Held on as tightly as you held onto me

And I built a home
For you
For me

Until you disappeared
From me
From you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust.

I Once Watched A Video (Part II)

(cont..)



The night before the wedding, he went missing. There was not a goodbye, nor a warning. He just disappeared. Needless to say...

she went looking for him. Only to find a box for her. 

*     *     *

In the box were the things he'd gotten, memorabilia, letters, and the rings. 

Needless to say, she began to question his intentions. "Why would he do that if he really loved me?" 

Bundled with the rings was a letter. In it he asked:

"Dear (let's name her) V,

What's my favorite dish? Do you know what my favorite book is? What about my favorite movie? 

You don't know. Because in these five years, we'd only eat your favorite dishes, read your favorite books, and watched the movies you love. 

Fact is, you don't know me at all. So how can you say that you love me? 

You only loved the kindness that I've given to you" 

After crying over the pain, enduring the embarrassment that came with the pain, and all the heart wrenching questions that only pushed the dagger deeper, she came to the realization... 

Part III

I Once Watched A Video.

I once watched a video about a person who had the perfect relationship.

Actually, she had what seemed like the funnest of lives. She had guys falling at her feet, chasing after her... until she met "the one".

In the speaker's story, she recounted how special she felt. How well he treated her, and the sweetness levels during that relationship was diabolical. She remembered:
How he'd take her to her favorite restaurants, how he'd peel the prawns for her, and how he'd order the food because he was so familiar with what she liked to eat. Everything was going well, and they were engaged to be married after dating for (if I recall correctly, 5 years). Then, the night before the wedding, he went missing. There was not a goodbye, nor a warning. He just disappeared. Needless to say...

she went looking for him. Only to find a box for her. 

(cont..)

Love & Prayers to A

Today and yesterday has kinda got me hit in a way that has me kicking myself in the buttocks.

In an attempt of accomplishing a task, I contacted a complete stranger who, despite is gaining monetarily from this transaction. To make the story telling easier, let's name her A. A was an absolute angel in agreeing to help me accomplish my insanely challenging task. While many others who I had also contacted had stricter guidelines and restrictions (which I totally understood), A, in her goodness has taken on the task personally. Which had made me absolutely ecstatic!

But of course, being an insanely challenging task, there was the uncontrollable factors that prevented the task from being carried forward. And so she contacted me to seek out more help from my end. So after searching high and low, I found someone willing to join on this seemingly impossible task. Then I connected the two and my friend had started giving suggestions when we got a respond from A saying that her husband was in critical condition. Turns out that he had been sick for a while and had to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors said that he might not make it. But even despite all this, she was still putting me first, telling me that she'd refund me and things.

Even at a critical moment like that, she was putting me first. At that point, nothing else really mattered but her family. So of course my friend and I told A not to worry about the task and to just take care of her husband. It was the end of the night, so my friend and I called it a night.

Then today, A informed me that her husband passed away at midnight last night. At this point, I was post nap and had been insanely pissy the afternoon over some menial thing and was bitching to my friend who by that point was just cross and fed up with me. Haha. But the moment when I got that text from A, everything just stopped. And immediately felt like the biggest, most ungrateful child in the entire planet.

The rest of the night, I just kept harping on the fact that A, this angel, who had made it her mission to make other people's day a fantastic one despite dealing with a big thing at home. The rest of the night, till now, I've just been thinking about how lame I've been in making my problems seem so big. No doubt they are difficult to deal with, but man, they are small small small. And I should not be using any of it to be an excuse to be a shitty person. Which I have been of late. And I have so much to be ashamed of, with a major dose of reflection.

And so tonight, my prayers go out to A and her family in this painful time.

If you're reading this, please take a second to send A your prayers and love.

You're Invited

It seems to me that I'm not the only one who is battling some sort of emotional struggle/challenge. From what I've seen on my news feed, so many of you guys are also in some sort of rocky boat holding on for dear life without a life jacket.

To be honest, I've been feeling the same way and its not the greatest feeling having to battle it alone. And it wasn't till recently that I've been able to speak to someone about it.

But I'd like not to focus on myself and pay it forward and so..

If you'd like to share with me your stories, wanna vent or simply just need a listening ear, or some sort of love/support, give me a jingle. You can message me on Twitter, or post a comment here and I'll get back to you ASAP

That is a promise. 

Love,
Kim

Saturday Softies

My freshman year in college (this was 6 years ago), I was at a classmate's room with my current roommate.
Let's just call them A (classmate) & B (roomie).

We were all little, and this had been a year or so after I had been introduced to Bigbang's Haru Haru song. Here's the little video (I'd recommend watching it, if you know how the members look like now, this will be a mini shocker):

And for some reason we had brought up the topic of Bigbang so B decides to show us both the video. So since I've seen it pretty recently, the story line was not much of a surprise for me. But of course, watching the sad bits of the music video was a little heart breaking. But I definitely was not expecting any sort of tears.

I, of course shed no tears. Neither did B. But when we turned to look at A who, throughout the whole video had been making vocal reactions to the video with the "aww"s, and "oh no he didn't"s, she was tearing up as though whatever that occurred in the video was real.

This was my first time seeing someone so emotional and so that took me aback. But nonetheless was pretty humorous at the time as we had to calm her down.

Fast forward a couple years, A and I felt that we needed a break from all the stress and so decided to go catch a matinee as they're light on our wallets and does the same job. So we watched Death At A Funeral. Which was just a mess in my opinion. Here's a sample of it:

If you've seen it, you might know that there was a huge commotion but at the end of the movie, the son of the deceased (played by Chris Rock) stands up after having enough of the commotion and does an eulogy. Then there was so much silence.. so I look over and A is bawling. Tears RUNNING down her cheeks and again I thought it was hilarious yet so sweet!





* to be continued

Quarter Life Goodbye

As I sit at home with my laptop and dance practice song in attempt to remember the newly learnt dance steps, I'm also gathering the bits and pieces of 2015 and putting them into the separate bins of keepsake and once overs.

2015 was a year of wow, cha(lle)nges. I see how that looks weird, allow me to rephrase:

2015 was a year of wow, challenges and change.

January: I was finally packing up to make the move to Korea to learn the language in wish of landing myself in the entertainment industry.  And well, I fulfilled that.

February: A turning point of finding myself in an emotional whirl with news of a person who apparently wasn't prepared for a relationship but had ended up getting together with a familiar face. Took a scary tummy sink and self prep-talk to stop crying over spilt milk and to actually start focusing on myself and how I can be a better person as a whole.

March: I landed myself an internship/part time job that got me involved with radio which I really enjoy despite some hiccups. Then met some really cool dudes that owned a café near me who were very welcoming

April: I learnt that despite being placed into Level 1, that it wasn't really that elementary of a class. I also got to see first hand that insecure girlfriends from Korean dramas actually exist.

May: I got to see beautiful SUA babies spread their wings and join the transition club into "the real world" and got to meet some really inspiring alumni who have been making huge strides in their lives and communities

June: I decided that having cockroaches and other insects as my roommates were not really gonna gel with me. It was also the time that I highly objected to a lot of things that had changed someone close to me. I started missing the States and the conversations I had + thought about how much of a meanie I was to some people.

July: A good friend & fellow alumna visited! I attended PRIDE, and became a one event star (the photos are stunning) I wore rainbow and was stunned by the amount of anger shown by the religious group here that all I could do was throw signs of love back at them. But very quickly I started feeling kind of alone and frustrated, I was not quite sure about how to control my thoughts or anger. It was also very hot and humid, and having to go real estate hopping seeing stuff WAY over budget was beginning to get on my nerves. And going to school with a prick was making me a passive aggressive judgmental bitch who would voice out her opinions in front of the person but could not say it to the person's face. I finally found a new place thanks to my friend who agreed to brave the heat with me.

August: I missed home a lot. And so sought comfort back home through my friends and got pretty close to one who is now my biggest confidant & supporter apart from my family. I also started admiring my dance teacher, and was building mad respect for both my Level 2 teachers who are just such amazing individuals. Real examples of inspiring women. Then I met the youngest teacher who is seriously no rookie and who blew my socks off with her teaching skills. A month of teachers man. (tearing up a little to all the beautiful individuals) Maybe it was also the fact that I had already been one (for a couple months) myself too?

September: At quarter of a century old, I learnt that ALL parents have already had pedestals for their children, no matter how shitty they are (even if their children are 6'6'' tall assholes) and teachers in general have to build a really thick skin. Respect respect, RESPECT. I've also officially moved into my new place and flew back home for a couple of days for a wedding & also to Japan to have a much much much needed reunion with my classmates. This was also the month I spent A LOT but worth every single penny/yen/won/Ringgit.

October: Home came to me and so did the cold. In the previous months I got so lonely and I must say, lost that having my dear confidant come to Korea and stay for such a long time was a paradox. It was absolutely comforting but it was also a slap in the face of how rude I am as a person sometimes. And that also became another turning point for me. I'm sorry.

November: I took part in a video contest in school and the footage was amazing (ALSO THANKS TO MY CONFIDANT you know who you are) and did not like messaging people for the sake of getting likes, comments and shares. I did not like it one bit. Neither did I like the fact that they allowed another contestant in way after the application due date. Still not sure what was up with that, but I don't think that was fair for anyone (not just me) and it was also the month that I was the poorest because I had to pay for the outstanding school fees (there was an increase) and my laptop charger had been replaced by a newer, expensive version (the original is free with the laptop purchase). Did I also mention that my student became too busy for my classes and had basically no more extra income?

December: I welcomed the last month with an addition to my bank account after winning the video contest. But that had replaced the extra school fees and the laptop charger which that was great but I also started becoming more sensitive to my surroundings as I was more aware of what I wanted in terms of characteristics (in myself). I also started Level 4 which now has become a challenge of applying all I've learnt so far in doing presentations and expressing my thoughts (like a local). And it felt like eternity but I now have another student who is wonderful, adorable and learns fast! (She's also 6 and is excited for my classes to which I am so grateful and it gets me going) I'm also reunited with my fellow SUA alumni tonight ready glide through the night, the way I cannot do any other day.

I also made a quote that I'm super proud of and shall now be my way of approaching quite a lot of things....

At the radio station we recorded our last show for 2015 and while I do not believe in New Year's Resolution, I do want to make one that I would like to carry on into the many many years to come, but
1. To learn how to get my point across without sounding like an old lady.
2. To make many more mistakes so that I can laugh at myself more with everyone regardless
3. To push through my initial intimidation when it comes to meeting someone/ talking to others
4. To continue being straightforward, no matter how awkward/painfully scary it is but to admit my wrongs when I am corrected.

I also watched the movie About Time sans distraction and that got me thinking lately.

But yes, moving on, I'd love to constantly working on those things. It won't take 1 year for a complete turnover but progress even a little is a good thing. And I strongly believe that life is a never ending practice field. We should never stop learning, practicing, and growing.

Oh and about that quote:

"Kids are adults in small bodies, and adults are kids... in BIG bodies" 





Adios 2015. Gracias por todo.
Gracias a los putos también por las problemas que me dieron. Pero adios y jodete.

Restored Wednesday

Yesterday, I posted about an upsetting rendition of the current issues that are now storming the internet and my Facebook wall. And today, it's with a little hope that I've bumped into an inspiring piece of news that follows a tragic incident in Canada.

Not too long after the attack in Paris, a mosque was burnt down in Peterborough, Ontario. Done in fear and anger, aka HATE towards Muslims who aren't even remotely close to being a part of the tragic event (Paris), the damages were at a whopping $80,000.
But fortunately, the community was fast on their feet. Within the 1st day of it's fund raiser, they've raised $80k and ended with $110k to restore the damages. And with other religious groups coming together to offer a space for worship and prayer.

Check it out for yourself!

Vicious Wednesday

In light of the Paris attacks many have come out to show their solidarity and to share their thoughts and prayers to the victims.

AND THEN there is people who are sending death threats and actual attempts in killing muslims post Paris attacks. Not that these never really existed before Paris, but this amount increased. A mosque was burned down in Canada, and a couples house severed some gun shots while they were out feeding the homeless.

Thank goodness they were actually out doing good instead of being at home.

And in a video by AJ+ (Al Jazeera+), we witness a man calling up a mosque and threatening to shoot every single person in the mosque and adds that he doesn't care "if they're 2 or 100".

Seriously?


It's a bloody vicious cycle when you keep doing shit like this.
Why won't you use all this goddamn energy to do good? Like, I don't know feed the homeless, fight for better education, donate to technology advancement in health, start a new sport, SOMETHING USEFUL AND PRODUCTIVE INSTEAD OF ALL THIS GOD FORSAKEN HATE.

A couple months ago my childhood friend visited me, and he was staying Seoul Station, pretty much the one-stop-shop for the airport, out of state train travels, and buses. And if you didn't know, Seoul Station is actually known to be the place where A LOT of homeless stay and get food from NGOs and all.

What was interesting was that my friend, as he was walking by, saw the homeless people, and then saw that there was a big (I shan't name the religion so I shall say) religious event going on, like an appreciation offering kind of event. According to my friend, it wasn't too small, and had a stage, speakers, and all. But all they were doing were just gathering and praising.

Then my friend asked: why would they spend all that money for this, and not use it to help the homeless? They're really obvious cuz they're just walking around this event. And this struck me. Yeah, why? Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning anyone here, but why do people have to spend money unnecessarily instead of using it to do more good?

And so it goes back to the Islamophobic video which you can check out for yourself here.

WHY? 

Why won't you use all that hate, all that energy to get off your high horse and help those in need instead of spreading all this hate towards people who were not even involved? What is wrong with you?


#WHEREISTHELOVE

Fist Bump Hump Day

Floral Wednesday

Testing Thursday

Just finished day 1 of exams, so please be kind (: