If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.
1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.
2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses.
Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.
3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.
4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...
Up, up, up, and away! :)
Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)
Lots of love,
Kim
Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this.
