Today and yesterday has kinda got me hit in a way that has me kicking myself in the buttocks.
In an attempt of accomplishing a task, I contacted a complete stranger who, despite is gaining monetarily from this transaction. To make the story telling easier, let's name her A. A was an absolute angel in agreeing to help me accomplish my insanely challenging task. While many others who I had also contacted had stricter guidelines and restrictions (which I totally understood), A, in her goodness has taken on the task personally. Which had made me absolutely ecstatic!
But of course, being an insanely challenging task, there was the uncontrollable factors that prevented the task from being carried forward. And so she contacted me to seek out more help from my end. So after searching high and low, I found someone willing to join on this seemingly impossible task. Then I connected the two and my friend had started giving suggestions when we got a respond from A saying that her husband was in critical condition. Turns out that he had been sick for a while and had to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors said that he might not make it. But even despite all this, she was still putting me first, telling me that she'd refund me and things.
Even at a critical moment like that, she was putting me first. At that point, nothing else really mattered but her family. So of course my friend and I told A not to worry about the task and to just take care of her husband. It was the end of the night, so my friend and I called it a night.
Then today, A informed me that her husband passed away at midnight last night. At this point, I was post nap and had been insanely pissy the afternoon over some menial thing and was bitching to my friend who by that point was just cross and fed up with me. Haha. But the moment when I got that text from A, everything just stopped. And immediately felt like the biggest, most ungrateful child in the entire planet.
The rest of the night, I just kept harping on the fact that A, this angel, who had made it her mission to make other people's day a fantastic one despite dealing with a big thing at home. The rest of the night, till now, I've just been thinking about how lame I've been in making my problems seem so big. No doubt they are difficult to deal with, but man, they are small small small. And I should not be using any of it to be an excuse to be a shitty person. Which I have been of late. And I have so much to be ashamed of, with a major dose of reflection.
And so tonight, my prayers go out to A and her family in this painful time.
If you're reading this, please take a second to send A your prayers and love.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2016
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Turmoil Thursday
In commemoration of the Sewol Ferry incident, I also watched a performamce last night that embodies the raw emotions of love loss at sea and the grieving process
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Speechless Thursday
When I was in college, we'd have a day of silence in honor of certain incidents that occurred across the globe. Today, I've decided to do one in honor of those whose voices have been silenced forever, and for those who still are.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Another Year, Another Chapter
Hello everyone!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Allow me to take this time to apologize for the lack of posts. I am slacking in this whole blogging thing and yeah, I DEFINITELY need to bark up. I do apologize, I really do. The last few months
have been madness at its core. There have been as many heartwarming instances
as there were crushing ones. But if you were to ask me, I’d like to think
that these were the things that have made 2014 a rather eventful year. One filled with lots of stories to tell and experiences to take with me.
If I were to list everything here, I think this post would be so long that you'd eventually tire out and not read halfway through. But here are some of the high(low)lights of the year of 2014 that I think made the cut. The rest, perhaps in due time, shall be revealed.
1. I realized, after working 6 months at a small publication company, that a 9-5 desk job is MOST DEFINITELY NOT my cup of tea. I'm generally a really healthy person, it takes A LOT for me to get sick, the only thing I'm pretty prone to are migraines and even then, they only hit when I am under severe accumulation of stress of when I drink coffee at night and sleep right after. However, when I was working for the company, I would take so many Medical Leaves that I felt bad for even falling sick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my job as a writer! Going to events, meeting some really cool individuals, and having all the free food, who could ask for more? But that was only when I was sent out to cover events. When I wasn't, I would actually be sitting at my desk, in a room that seems to be caving in every time I step into it. Claustrophobic almost, with the tight setting of the furniture, industrial lights, and air conditioners at full blast, I'm surprised my (now former) colleagues could even work in that environment. What was worse, was that when I was in an accident that almost took my life, all my boss could think about was the tickets to the event the next day, stating that he "never thought it was a big deal". Hmm. To this, maybe many of you might say "this is life, Kim. Deal with it". Agreed. Couldn't agree more. It also got me thinking: people make up society. Humans created the rules and boundaries that are ultimately what we now know to be the "realities" of life, no? Either way, that, and my health was a good enough reason for me to no longer want to stay.
2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.
3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.
4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...
Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)
Lots of love,
Kim
2. Death and marriages. So... Many.
2014 was a year of many passings. One that hit pretty hard was actually the demise of a family friend, with whom in a short period of time I reconnected upon her return to Malaysia. I would have many inspirational conversations with her about life, people, and ideas that surround us on a daily basis. She was a very kind, caring, understanding woman who never used her illnesses as an excuse for anything. She was a tenacious woman who fought through many health battles and still would take the time and efforts to make sure that the person she interacts with is happy. She was actually the link to my first ever job, and to which I am forever grateful. Sadly, despite her strong will to live, her life came to an abrupt end. I still remember the last time I saw her. I was out covering an event for work, but that evening, I was determined to go see her at the hospital. You see, she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma. The news came to my family while we were celebrating Chinese New Year. (I remember losing my appetite the moment we received the news) So there I was, at work, sipping on wine, but coming to a firm decision to see her before the next day. So a little before midnight, I dropped by the hospital, clad in my dress and make up, I went to her hospital bed to talk to her. After pleading and promising the nurses that I'd be really quiet and considerate of the other patients, I was allowed to see her. Before my visit, I had read that hand massages would help relief stroke patients of the discomfort/pain. So I did just that, while talking to her, I massaged her palms. By the time I was done, it was rather late, and I had to go back to rest for the next day's work. So I left a note for her family and headed home. The next morning, my family got the news of her passing in the wee hours of the morning. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day.
On the flip side though, it's rather eye-opening to see people who used to prance around in turquoise pinafores, saying their I-Do's and starting (or even expanding) their families. Posts of their registration, their pre-wedding shoot, their special day, and when they seal their kisses. Then there's me. Sitting in front of my overpriced laptop, thinking to myself how I would use the money to see the rest of the world, meet all the people, and eat all the food I can. Did I mention? Candy! Mmm. But flowers though.. Oh man. Digressing, sorry. But yeah, I guess I've arrived at the age where people all get married and start a family. I never quite expected all this, but witnessing all this from social media is quite a sight. Leaves me in awe at how all of us are so different.
3. The idea of taking care of others still elude me:
2014 was a year of heartbreaks. Haha. Yes. Whether it's romantically, or even just friendships. It is safe to say that I've lost a few more people in my life. Robin Williams once talked about holding on to that bit of madness that we have. Because it is that madness that keeps us alive. I am not shy to admit that I am indeed insane. As a kid, I've acknowledged the fact that I'm different. Now as an adult, I flaunt it. And often times, people don't understand it. Or perhaps, I am so lost in my own insanity that I don't understand others. Lost, because sometimes even my own reasoning confuses me. And perhaps, in that sense, people lose interest or turn away from it, or me. My questionable personality is enough to raise eyebrows. But as insane as I am, I have heart too. When I feel for a person, I am willing to give that person nothing but my best. Last year, I learnt the hard way that that is really stupid. One of them was a guy who despite being another continent away, would support me through my challenges and who surprised me over the pixels on a Skype video call. He made me feel pretty safe emotionally when I didn't know how to overcome my fears of being in a country where I didn't even speak the language. But overtime, my insane personality, paired with my overwhelming sense of wanting to care for him eventually led things to end.
Then, there was a friend who could no longer deal with me. Though this, I would say, was a lot on my part. Long story short, I disregarded how she may feel in the long run of me hiding something that I knew would hurt her one way or another. She held a really special place in my heart. But unfortunately for me, not too long after the aforementioned guy ended things with me, so did she. And funnily enough, losing her was more heartbreaking than losing him.
4. With that said, not too long ago, I again let myself fall for a complete stranger, only to be disappointed with another heartbreak. Hehe. I can smile about it now because maybe it no longer affects me as much as it did. But really, this one also took a huge toll on myself. Went through a huge revamp before, during, and after meeting this one. It's okay. Process it. Before this dude, I was absolutely set on just being me. Doing my own thing, and this would just pass as a short term thing, with an expiration date. But the more time I spent with this dude, the more I wanted different things. I started becoming comfortable with him, sharing many interests and ideas, I was seeing an almost exact reflection of myself in him. While wanting to continue to grow with this person, I quickly sought ways to push this person, because I wanted someone who could keep up with me. Then, as quickly as it grew, it dissipated. Fizzed out, like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Not sure about him, but since then, things were not going too great. I began affecting those around me. Those who genuinely cared about me had to sit through my crying and discussions of him. Even worse still, having let all the heart ache affect me, I carried it with me like a heavy burden, and letting it out on the same people who were listening and caring for me. That's when I realized how bad it was hurting them, that I took time away for myself to deal with my own feelings. The break from everything else was wonderful. But frankly, in the last week of 2014, I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Often times, thoughts of him would show up when I sleep and if I were to be honest, I spent NYE wishing that he would make an appearance. Ha, wishful thinking am I right? The New Year actually began for me, on a not so sweet note. But never mind that right? There's only one way to go...
Up, up, up, and away! :)
Happy New Year once again. If you've made it to the end of the post, I'd like to thank you for reading this far. For absorbing all this information about my life that may or may not have any impact on your thoughts/ life. Nonetheless, thank you for reading. I am most determined to fill this blog once again with my posts. There's more to where that came from so do check back in once in a while! :)
Lots of love,
Kim
Oh, my hair is black again. I've mixed feelings about this.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
How Do You Feel?
Well, to be honest, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed. Haha. A lot has happened in the last month or so and I'm truly really just overwhelmed with emotion. I think especially in the last few days. But after today, I feel even more overwhelmed than I've been haha.
Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:
So, about the...
Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.
Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.
It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.
It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.
So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.
When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.
Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:
So, about the...
Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.
Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.
It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.
It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.
So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.
When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.
back to the question:
how do you (I) feel?
I honestly don't know.
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