The Challenges Keep Us Alive

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.


And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

Pitfall? Or Liberation?

Here we are again.

2 days away from the end of yet another semester.

It has been one heck of a semester. Imagine putting your head out of the window of a moving vehicle only to be slapped by the trees that you pass by.

Oof. 

Before I could even have the time to fully grasp what was taught I was thrown into the realms of the exams. Ah, sweet sweet exams that, in my opinion test my memorization skills at best. Oh, such sweet sweet delight.

On the flip side though, a bunch of other stuff took place this semester. One of them including my first ever winter, with -19C weather, snow (SNOW! YAY!). I was also given the opportunity to teach an adorable student, and was recently told of a possible extension of my work (means more fun sessions! woop!). And in all this, I got to meet, and also hang out with some really fantastic individuals who are showing me such generous love and care. Especially in times when I needed them the most. And not forgetting how lucky I was to have my parents visit during Chinese New Year.

And then some.

Over the last 6 months, I feel like I was in the cavemen times where someone had hit me out cold and instead of putting me into a new adventure, I was dragged around. Minus the physical knock out. And in the last month of all this madness, it has finally reached it's end last night. To be honest, a small part of me has died. I feel numb, empty, and kinda cold. Yet relieved, elated but lightheaded from the series of events that has taken place.

Frankly, I don't know how to react. I kinda want some direction. At the same time, selfishly, I also want someone to point out just how ridiculous this entire situation is to the other party. I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone and of late, it felt like I was fighting nothing. It's like being put into the biggest competition against... air. With the victor being air, you thought you were fighting hard.. but you are basically throwing empty kicks and punches without even having someone to take them.

Hey, at least the fight is over.. for now. I would like to say that I'm able to rest well and regain some sort of pink in my face and lips. But I've come to the agreement with myself that lipstick, and eye cream is just gonna do for the time being.

In all honesty, I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel terrible for some of the individuals who had to listen to my woes over the last month that I don't want to bother them with it anymore. I don't want them to take on the burden that I should be allowing time to ease. At the same time, it's such a good opportunity for me to jump off the cliff, into the clear blue waters that welcome me with its all embracing waves. Ever ready to allow me to plunge myself deep into the realms of self-discovery & mastery. And to focus on the ones that truly matter & who want to matter.

Time is ticking, Kim. 

Free Friday