Petrified of Marriage

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.


As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary. 

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas. 

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You. 

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment! 

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same? 

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction. 

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too. 

Ethereal

This quote was so ethereal I had to post it. With all the crap feelings I've been feelings, this, was so beautiful. It's a little like how we can't fully comprehend our feelings, and how we get lost in all the emotions, that we lose all comprehension of them, and start questioning our mental validities in understanding these feelings? 

Reading this quote, I felt like I was staring out at space. I see now why we see so much beauty in space. 

"Life contains the capacity, like flames that reach toward heaven, to transform suffering and pain into the energy needed for value-creation, into light that illuminates darkness. Like the wind traversing vast spaces unhindered, life has the power to uproot and overturn all obstacles and difficulties. Like clear flowing water, it can wash away all stains and impurities. And finally, life, like the great earth that sustains vegetation, impartially protects all people with its compassionate, nurturing force."

Finding Myself

As you can see, my hand writing is a little messy. I'm quite rusty. It's been a while, and I had just wanted to take a break from everything with something artsy. A really nice break, and now back to work! 

In case the photo is too blurry/ messy, here is the quote:

"Ultimately, happiness rests on how you establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances nor in vanity. It is a matter of what you feel inside; it is a deep resonance in your life. To be filled each day with a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose, a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment -- people who feel this way are happy. Those who have this sense of satisfaction even if they are extremely busy are much happier than those who have time on their hands but feel empty inside."      -Daisaku Ikeda

Quarter Life Goodbye

As I sit at home with my laptop and dance practice song in attempt to remember the newly learnt dance steps, I'm also gathering the bits and pieces of 2015 and putting them into the separate bins of keepsake and once overs.

2015 was a year of wow, cha(lle)nges. I see how that looks weird, allow me to rephrase:

2015 was a year of wow, challenges and change.

January: I was finally packing up to make the move to Korea to learn the language in wish of landing myself in the entertainment industry.  And well, I fulfilled that.

February: A turning point of finding myself in an emotional whirl with news of a person who apparently wasn't prepared for a relationship but had ended up getting together with a familiar face. Took a scary tummy sink and self prep-talk to stop crying over spilt milk and to actually start focusing on myself and how I can be a better person as a whole.

March: I landed myself an internship/part time job that got me involved with radio which I really enjoy despite some hiccups. Then met some really cool dudes that owned a café near me who were very welcoming

April: I learnt that despite being placed into Level 1, that it wasn't really that elementary of a class. I also got to see first hand that insecure girlfriends from Korean dramas actually exist.

May: I got to see beautiful SUA babies spread their wings and join the transition club into "the real world" and got to meet some really inspiring alumni who have been making huge strides in their lives and communities

June: I decided that having cockroaches and other insects as my roommates were not really gonna gel with me. It was also the time that I highly objected to a lot of things that had changed someone close to me. I started missing the States and the conversations I had + thought about how much of a meanie I was to some people.

July: A good friend & fellow alumna visited! I attended PRIDE, and became a one event star (the photos are stunning) I wore rainbow and was stunned by the amount of anger shown by the religious group here that all I could do was throw signs of love back at them. But very quickly I started feeling kind of alone and frustrated, I was not quite sure about how to control my thoughts or anger. It was also very hot and humid, and having to go real estate hopping seeing stuff WAY over budget was beginning to get on my nerves. And going to school with a prick was making me a passive aggressive judgmental bitch who would voice out her opinions in front of the person but could not say it to the person's face. I finally found a new place thanks to my friend who agreed to brave the heat with me.

August: I missed home a lot. And so sought comfort back home through my friends and got pretty close to one who is now my biggest confidant & supporter apart from my family. I also started admiring my dance teacher, and was building mad respect for both my Level 2 teachers who are just such amazing individuals. Real examples of inspiring women. Then I met the youngest teacher who is seriously no rookie and who blew my socks off with her teaching skills. A month of teachers man. (tearing up a little to all the beautiful individuals) Maybe it was also the fact that I had already been one (for a couple months) myself too?

September: At quarter of a century old, I learnt that ALL parents have already had pedestals for their children, no matter how shitty they are (even if their children are 6'6'' tall assholes) and teachers in general have to build a really thick skin. Respect respect, RESPECT. I've also officially moved into my new place and flew back home for a couple of days for a wedding & also to Japan to have a much much much needed reunion with my classmates. This was also the month I spent A LOT but worth every single penny/yen/won/Ringgit.

October: Home came to me and so did the cold. In the previous months I got so lonely and I must say, lost that having my dear confidant come to Korea and stay for such a long time was a paradox. It was absolutely comforting but it was also a slap in the face of how rude I am as a person sometimes. And that also became another turning point for me. I'm sorry.

November: I took part in a video contest in school and the footage was amazing (ALSO THANKS TO MY CONFIDANT you know who you are) and did not like messaging people for the sake of getting likes, comments and shares. I did not like it one bit. Neither did I like the fact that they allowed another contestant in way after the application due date. Still not sure what was up with that, but I don't think that was fair for anyone (not just me) and it was also the month that I was the poorest because I had to pay for the outstanding school fees (there was an increase) and my laptop charger had been replaced by a newer, expensive version (the original is free with the laptop purchase). Did I also mention that my student became too busy for my classes and had basically no more extra income?

December: I welcomed the last month with an addition to my bank account after winning the video contest. But that had replaced the extra school fees and the laptop charger which that was great but I also started becoming more sensitive to my surroundings as I was more aware of what I wanted in terms of characteristics (in myself). I also started Level 4 which now has become a challenge of applying all I've learnt so far in doing presentations and expressing my thoughts (like a local). And it felt like eternity but I now have another student who is wonderful, adorable and learns fast! (She's also 6 and is excited for my classes to which I am so grateful and it gets me going) I'm also reunited with my fellow SUA alumni tonight ready glide through the night, the way I cannot do any other day.

I also made a quote that I'm super proud of and shall now be my way of approaching quite a lot of things....

At the radio station we recorded our last show for 2015 and while I do not believe in New Year's Resolution, I do want to make one that I would like to carry on into the many many years to come, but
1. To learn how to get my point across without sounding like an old lady.
2. To make many more mistakes so that I can laugh at myself more with everyone regardless
3. To push through my initial intimidation when it comes to meeting someone/ talking to others
4. To continue being straightforward, no matter how awkward/painfully scary it is but to admit my wrongs when I am corrected.

I also watched the movie About Time sans distraction and that got me thinking lately.

But yes, moving on, I'd love to constantly working on those things. It won't take 1 year for a complete turnover but progress even a little is a good thing. And I strongly believe that life is a never ending practice field. We should never stop learning, practicing, and growing.

Oh and about that quote:

"Kids are adults in small bodies, and adults are kids... in BIG bodies" 





Adios 2015. Gracias por todo.
Gracias a los putos también por las problemas que me dieron. Pero adios y jodete.

Tuesday

Wednesday

Short but sweet. Something that is getting me to move forward.