Toe Numbing Shoes

I had lunch with my brother the other day... Shocking. Idiot caved 20 minutes after I told him I was hungry. When he didn't wanna move, I just sat there in silence till he initiated the leave for food.

KIM ONE, TRISTAN ZERO!

but when you tally up how many sodas I now owe him for calling jinx, I'm a total loser...

We both got a table that was located at the front of the entrance of the shop (it was in a mall so it's whatevs). Honestly, I was so hungry I was just chowing down the food like a hungry wolf. Suddenly, he nudges me and says "jie (sis in Mandarin), that lady looks like she's in pain from her heels". Later in the day, as I was driving, some DJ on the radio talked about Rihanna and Chris Brown then asked "why do girls do this to themselves? why do you guys let yourselves get hurt by going back to the person who hurts you?" or somewhere round those lines..

Well, why do we, you ask? Personally, I don't think I can relate to this cause you know, I never went through that. Actually, I did, when I was younger, that didn't count cause we'd make up literally a day after breaking up. -_- that doesn't count. ANYWAY, I think the answer here is simple (er, not to say I'm some expert in this case but erm, from what I believe to be the answer -and feel free to disagree with me cause like I said, these are only my two cents): First of all, it is this person who actually has the balls (quite evidently the disposable type) to ask you out on dates and take you places and shit. And being that they have a seemingly infinite amount of balls in their court, they take as many swings as they can, meaning, they're bold as fcuk. They ask you out, they say things that may or may not (ahem) play with ones heartstrings. Then, they actually take you out, making you feel special and being the girl you are, you play into it, not only do you overthink EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING, you also start falling for him hard. 

Fast forward it to the break up.. You're breaking up cause it was an abusive relationship. Er, mentally, positive emotionally and perhaps even physically. You guys spend most if not all of your time fighting and you guys' approach to it is make up sex. Post make up sex, you're still in the same cycle of fighting, arguing and maybe even the occasional lamp toss. So, after the multiple day-old-breakups, he's done. Wants nothing to do with you or the strains hat seems to come with you anymore. Not even sex can patch this back up. But you're so comfortable doing what you've been doing, that none of it matters anymore. Despite the battle scars and what appears to be a giant slit in your heart, you're still willing to try. Last time, last chance, please. He still walks. And no, we can’t be friends anymore, I’m sorry.

So now, here you are, with your scab, thrown back into the town of Singlesville with no rubbing alcohol or bandages. You’re still trying to come to terms with the break up. A month passes, you’re still air running your fingers over your phone keys, you stare at your iPhone, with the text page open, thinking if you should “hey, let’s talk” him. Three months pass, you’re still flipping through the photo album you never posted on Facebook, wondering if he does the same thing. One year passes. A year ago today, you watched him exit that door. Not a day has gone by when you haven’t thought about the relationship and him. Your girlfriend calls you for Happy Hour, you get drunk, next thing you know, you’re on the phone with him, you don’t know who called who but that doesn’t matter anymore cause you guys are finally talking. Last thing you remembered saying was godknowswhat but at the end of it all, you still wished you were back in that comfort zone of lamp tosses, screaming, and incessant disagreement.

So, to answer your question, I think it’s the comfort level established from the relationship that only comes with him. As much as he boils your blood, hey, there were good moments in there too. So even if you started anew with another, he won’t be the same as this one. Lemons will never be limes. Neither can oranges ever replace blood oranges. In the end, it’s the comfort zone that you ultimately yearn for. No matter how abusive, painful, or troubling, you just want it back. Just like those toe numbing shoes, you always find yourself at the check out with your credit card ready for the pair of heels that you know will do your feet and even posture no good. You love them, they make you feel on top of the world, the way he did when you were together.