On the one hand, I've been feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I could shed a tear watching a good movie. Take for example,
this movie
or this movie
or when a person who I hold dear has to leave to go back to work, makes me friggin' bawl like a baby needing it's momma. It's as if my tear ducts have a mind of it's own!! Crazy.
And well of course, all the not so pleasant stuff going on with my personal life nowadays.. I guess it's pretty much natural for me to also, just cry. And in these trying moments, I feel pretty much alone, with no one I can really turn to, nor anyone I could just call and spill my feelings out to. And since I have all this energy for seeking out friends to talk to, I've started chanting more and had the courage to speak back to myself and to critically start reflecting on my past (romantic) relationships. I'm happy to report that I believe I'm onto something here (though damn it's pretty damn hard to swallow all this about myself).
I'd like to share it all, but to prematurely put my thoughts out would be my assumptive self trying to protect something. So instead, I'll just start with..
Recurring patterns in which my (last 2) relationships tend to play out:
1. No titles. I've wanted the relationship, but without the titles. For reasons that differ with each relationship.
2. Our time together tended to include staying together a bunch (under the same roof)
3. I would try to convince myself that there is something worth pursuing, even though I would have other reasons as to why I should just let go before they do.
4. I didn't want to be the bad guy so I'd just convince myself to look on the bright side of the person/relationship.
5. After convincing myself that leaving them is a bad idea, I would seek out the one thing I didn't want in the first place.
6. I'm left to pick up the pieces myself because they've gone to someone else.
I think there's more. I need more time to get this list straight.
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