5 More Hours

EDIT: This was started before I came back home, posted upon returning. :) 

I am currently sitting in the emptiness of my room.

All my stuff are in storage. The only things I have are my bags and my laptop, without the beauty of my amazing speakers. And as I sit here, with my semi-aching heart, I am thinking of the past year and all that has happened..
Today, last year, I was DYING to go home. All I wanted to do was escape from the heartache that was my break up. Fast forward a year, and I'm sitting here tasting the bittersweet taste of the end of my Sophomore (or, SUFFERMORE, if you will) year.

For one, I noticed that even though it was quite the bitch to deal with, I got through it. Boy, did I learn a lot from it! I've made new friends, lost a few but I've built bonds, made mistakes and learned from them.

I've done all I could, step by step. I've fallen, cried, laughed, rejoiced and hurt from so many things. Yet, I can say that I am walking away from my Sophomore year a happier, prouder person. I've realized all the things I need to work on, all the things I can continue doing and what I should stop doing.

None of this was ever possible without all the people who have left their footprints in my life this year. Everyone from my professors, (boy, have they been an inspiration!) my upperclassmen, my underclassmen, my classmates and not forgetting all my coaches and circle of friends.

In this year, I've learned quite a fair bit about myself....

1. If I laugh too hard, I get hiccups. But all so worth it though... Oh and and if I don't make a noise when I laugh, the veins on my neck start to show. CREEPY. I knowww...
2. In conversations, I sometimes, rest my head on my arm and say "that's so funny" monotonously with a poker face... WEIRD.
3. I have real bad people skills -.- It's not even funny. I look the part but I suck at it in real life -.- GODDAMNIT. Something I MUST work on. 
4. I actually CAN work and study and do track + swim at the same time. 
5. I like looking at the better side of people. 
6. I'm almost there with the not caring part. 
7. I really wanna go to grad school or further my education before I go fly. :) 
8. I LOVE HIGH JUMP. OMG. So in love with it :) 
9. I'm not very into running anymore HAHA 
10. I function so much better when I'm not in a relationship. Ya know what that meansssss :) 
11. I am meant to be alone. HAHA. This may change haha. 
12. I LOVE PLAYING THE VIOLIN and I wanna keep playing it :) 
13. People have weird impressions of me and they'll say shit bout me without really knowing me and all that. So, post-it to self, "fuck them". Not literally -.-
14. I'm impatient but I know that now :) 
15.  I am not alone on this challenging life that revolves around people. I just found out last night, I have people who are in the same rocking boat. :) 

Thank you every single one of you for an amazingly bittersweet year. :) I am truly appreciative :) 

Dear Soka, thank you for another challenging year. :) It has been a beautiful one. :)

Lucky 7, Class of 11

CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2011!!!


I can't believe it. Graduation has ended. I'm officially a Junior going on her study abroad in the fall. 


I was holding back tears from listening to the speeches today and then the moment I stepped out to congratulate everyone, the tears wouldn't stop falling. Here are some pictures:

The shit faced ones are the ones of me crying like a baby. 

GAH I was so not planning on crying. But I did in the end. :( I was just too sad. 

They say time is going to fly now that Sophomore year is done. I don't know how to feel at that. :( SIGH. We'll see. 

And if you would like to watch graduation, click HERE. Then you can pick to stream accordingly :)

ENJOY.

Perfection

I was Tumblr-ing and I saw this. 

OMG. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

THERE IS STILL NOTHING and this speaks for me. How I feel about the whole situation and all that has happened. 

HAHA 

Love the quote "bitch, I hope you get hit by a bus so I can be like... 'oh' 'lol' "

BAAAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

I Decided

Okay, so today I was on Tumblr.

And I saw this picture...

Then I felt something spark within me. (oddly, I've had these spasms -wow, spasms make it sound REAL bad- of being better) Then I clicked reblog and decided to say something about it. Here goes:

I think I'm gonna have a change in mindset.
I'm gonna give myself more poker chips. (those confused, read the * below)
Done is done. I did what I needed to do. I have so many more poker chips cause I'm increasing my own self worth. Not letting this reduce the amounts of poker chips I have. NO MORE. I don't care anymore. I shouldn't. Specially not for this one. Not this time. Never again.
Sides, there really is no fucking thing I can do anymore. He doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me. Too bad. His loss. I'm just gonna keep doing my thing. I'm gonna be me, and someone more worthy of my god damn time will come along and see me for who I am.
No more whining, no more self pity. No more regressing, no more relapses. No more over thinking, no more of this "OMG *swoon faint* " thing.
Today, I talked about "the art of bullshit" and this talk gave me a new perspective on things. No more scared Kim. No more intimidated Kim. No more low self-esteem. I am going all out. Time for GOD FUCKING CHANGE.
URGH.

I'm frankly REALLY sick of this. I am DONE.

NO. MORE. I love me. Why should I feel all crappy cause of some ASSHOLE who is so blinded by his own ego? Hmm? What is this worth?ABSO-fucking-LUTELY NOTHING!!!!

* The Poker Chip Theory

Someone once gave me an analogy that I never will ever forget. He said that self esteem is like playing poker. The guy who has lesser poker chips will be more resistant to betting because he's afraid of losing his poker chips. Correct? He will start strategizing ways to play the game "efficiently" so that he does not lose all his chips. Same thing with self esteem. The person will be selective of people because he/she is afraid or losing their life "poker chips".
Meanwhile, the other person who has a lot poker chips is more willing to lose more games. To him, it doesn’t matter how many times he loses. He just learns from it and plays the game better the next time. He will take risks and all that because he is not afraid of losing them. If he losses, he moves on. End of story. 

Conclusion is… I need to be this person. For too long I've let my past daunt, haunt and take control of my life. Not this time. Not anymore.  NO MORE. Why should I restrict myself just because something in my past has changed me? Why should I comply to this quietness because I'm afraid? Why should I let one answered thing bug me? I’m giving myself poker chips. I am letting it go. All of it. No more of this bull crap. I am NOBODY'S bitch. Neither am I some toy. No one should treat me like crap according to how they're feeling. Nice one minute, assy the next. 

Time to step up and be who I want to me. It is easier said than done but hey, no one said life was gonna be easy right?

Enough is enough. Seriously.   

And to whoever who took this picture… You can still chose to be this way if you like. Don't get me wrong, I don't condemn this. I’m just choosing to opt out of this heartache and moving on with life :) You can join me too if you like. But if you don't, its totally cool with me too :) 

That's It?!

After telling em, I never got an answer.

I got a random Skype chat bout it was nothing related to what had happened before -.-

wow. It's not that I'm expecting something like a relationship or anything. But I'm just saying... A response is very much appreciated.

Kay thanks bye. :)

Mission Accomplished

I have officially accomplished a goal. :)

I told him how I felt.

It was the most liberating feeling ever. :) It was weird but liberating :)

Usually, when I have to confess, it is because I'm 100% sure the feelings are mutual so I don't lose out. But this one was real different. I don't think he likes me that way and neither does he want a relationship (not that I do either). Also, I've never needed to say how I feel just to let it out. You can only imagine my relief after saying it then, can you? :) Teehee :)

Took up so much of my courage to do it, this is the timeline. Spent:

• Almost half a year (HOLY MOLLY) thinking about it/how I feel.
• About 3 months thinking if I should tell em.
• Half to a month deciding on how to do it
• Nights of discussion and suggestions on the issue
• MOST of not ALL the time embarrassing myself in front of em 
• So much effort gathering the courage to tell em
• All morning planning it in my head
• 15 minutes, standing there and digressing
• 5 seconds starting the sentence
• 1 second to say it.

I am soo relieved. :) 

Mission you accomplished. :) 

Okay. I can sleep in peace tonight.

Querida....

Dear you,

I think that as much as I don't want to admit it (or to the people who I have), I think that you're the person who has succeeded in filling in this hole that has been created in my heart. Because I can't even go up to you to tell you this, I am going to express it here. 

Sitting at work last night, all I could think about was you sitting across from me. Behind your laptop screen, complaining about all that you complain about. Allow me to go back to when I first saw you. I can still remember it. My head was pounding, louder than the beats of drums of a marching band. I was ready to fall and crash. You had on your sunglasses and the biggest grin I've ever seen. You were dancing too. At that point, all I could do was stare and keep my thoughts to myself. But I wondered who you were. I never really saw you much. But never mind that, you quickly became someone in the past. 

Soon time passed and the humidity rolled over. Little did I know that we had much in common. Funnily, I've never even talked to you in person and yet I felt like I could relate to you in ways I never thought possible. I looked forward to talking to you almost every day when I was seated before the computer. You told me stories about your high maintenance and I told you about my self recovery from my recent pain. 

Then I remember jumping in joy at the thought that I could leave this campus even though I just got back not long ago. I was also mentally preparing myself for a day I never wanted to face... Today. I had a big fear of feeling this way and kept myself on guard. I've heard one too many tales but something in me decided to watch you unfold your story. Not long after, I found myself beginning to question myself and my feelings. I guess you didn't know just how big of an impact you've made on me. Religion wise, interaction, social wise. In all those times I've spent with you, I hear myself reflecting upon a lot of things after. 

The turning point happened when I saw you letting your guard down. Something I've never seen you done before and when I really began questioning my feelings. Plus the comfort level I felt with you was beyond me. Me remembering my pledge to avoid feeling how I feel today, I did my best to not show them and did what I could within my powers to defend myself from letting you think I cared more than I should...

... This went on a little longer than I expected 

because it soon 

seemed as though we were playing hide and seek. 

That long stretch of hide and seek played its tricks on me and could be seen tossing and turning at bedtime trying to fall asleep, fighting back the resistant to stay awake. 

Just a few days ago, however, I came to the realization that you are quite the asshole. A quote once stated "if someone really cares about you, they will do all they can to be with you. No lies, no excuses and no broken promises" and you were the perfect example of this. All those days of going places, zero-ed in into nothingness. Your foolish ways and your heartless like face wear, which you so happen to call your (something that can be changed if you wanted to) reality. All those days of commonality are now our hi-bye seconds. Our times of laughing and talking, have evolved into forced conversations (or at least forced from how I see it). 

Either way, as of now, all I know that I face the reality of my feelings. My roommate was right. This was bound to happen. My carelessness had led me to this and as much as I've tried to hold this back till the day you walk up that stage, I no longer have the capacity to keep it to myself or to the couple of people I've talked to regarding this. No longer do I have the strength. So, this is me. Saying this.