Tipping My Head Up

Hey everyone.

Yes, I know, it's been an awfully long time since my last post, which wasn't in all jolly happy. And the reason why I've been MIA the last four months, well, it's cause more things were pouring in. More heartache, challenges, work stress, and also health issues (though this one isn't as bad as it sounds).

Like everyone thwarted into the reality of post-graduation life, things hit be in all directions. Relentlessly, tirelessly, I resisted falling on my feet, but of course, as life has it panned out for me, I fell. Onto the ground. Hard.

Personally, I enjoy roller coaster rides, the thrill and the heights (despite my increasingly deathly fear of it) tickles me, resulting in a belly ache from the laughter during the ride. But when you're on life's roller coaster ride, I fell, I was like one of those unfortunate souls who during the openings, fell off her seat, and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

But anyway, I'm picking myself back up and moving on in life. I'm also on a trip of constant self-improvement. More roller coaster rides to ensue and more people to piss off (unintentionally most of the time but if intentional, it's cause I see some sort of injustice and am standing up for it), myself included cause you know, I'm still learning! And the learning process can be frustrating! haha

But moving on, I'll do my best to post as much as I can!
Starting with the events that are taking place (wherever I am).

And to commemorate this new beginning, here's a photo of me and my new hair haha

Unfiltered, sans make up, pre-hair wash too haha

Excuse the tired face, this was a day after almost 2 days of flying.

Hair maker: Su Jane (rawr I wub ju)

Cheers to a new start!

Love,

Kim 

How Do You Feel?

Well, to be honest, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed. Haha. A lot has happened in the last month or so and I'm truly really just overwhelmed with emotion. I think especially in the last few days. But after today, I feel even more overwhelmed than I've been haha.


Today, I said my last farewell to someone who has made a huge impact on my life, despite having only spent a short time with said person. Today also so happens to be the birthday of someone who once meant a lot to me, but who I guess is safe to say, is now just going to be someone in the past whose role  in my life has been fulfilled? I didn't even realize it, having confused this person's birthday for another date. If you're reading this, haha, sorry. Happy Birthday! Sorry you're in the same paragraph as death, I wish you well though! (:

So, about the...

Birthday Person:
K held a very special place in my heart. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but one day I just decided to let K know how I felt. Fast forward a couple months, some visits and persuasion later, we became exclusive. We decided that even though long distance was tough, that we'd still give it a shot. Through a lot of things, K was there for me, supporting me, listening to me, encouraging me. Likewise, I'd offer help, company (K was living alone away from home), and encouragement in any way I knew how to. I neither felt insecure about him nor the relationship. It was possibly one of the most comforting relationships I've had in a while.

Person who's in a better place:
I've known (let's name the person..) A since I was pretty young. For a couple years, our families interacted, until A moved to another country. I completely forgot about A till I returned from my studies abroad, which was about 5 months ago. Since then, because we both go to the same center (for health reasons), I would take A home after, and we'd have some really good conversations. Sometimes they were really in depth, on life, religion, politics, among other things. Other times, they'd be simple yet heartwarming stories of A's life and let's just say, I would feel encouraged on my way home alone. But then, I soon started work, and would frequent the center a lot less (due to time conflicts) and never really had the chance to take A home, thus less conversations. But when I did, everything seemed fine, A's health seemed to be improving significantly and seemed to have an even more positive outlook on life.



It all changed when:
K and I couldn't arrange enough Skype dates. One of us were busy and having decided that we wanted to pursue our own lives while we were together, I never really thought much about it. Despite being told that he's probably already given up on us by my cousin, I never quite came to terms with it till he didn't answer any of my messages and calls and called me to end things. K told me that things back home were not too good and that K's struggles were only adding to my own, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to support one another when we don't have ourselves sorted. I cried a lot that day and the days afterwards haha. Like any person who broke up, I cried. Since, I've sent messages to what seems to be a vortex - a non responsive, never online K.

It was Chinese New Year, and I was visiting family in another state. I still remember, we were having dinner when my dad told me that A had a serious stroke and was unconscious. I immediately lost my appetite and was basically worried till we heard that A would respond when someone spoke in A's ear. We went to see her the moment we touched down. Things seemed to have a positive outlook and after two weeks of not visiting, I figured that it'd be a good time to go visit after an event that I had to attend a few days ago. So, with a bottle of massage essential oil, I went to the hospital to give A a hand massage (I read online that hand massages help). Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever be able to say anything to A, because the next day, on my way home to the office after an event, I got the message from my brother telling my dad to send his condolences and that A passed early in the morning that day.




So here I am, two days later, feeling like a bucket full of emotions. I'm sad, yet happy:
A final ceremony was held for A today and so was the cremation. Many showed up to pay their last respects to A who left behind a legacy. A truly inspirational individual who's touched the lives of many, mine include. I am relieved that A was no longer suffering but am sad because I now have even more questions to ask A but will never get the chance to anymore.

When I got home, Skype reminded me that K's birthday was actually today instead of the weird date that I had in my mind haha. So I wished K happy birthday on Skype, not really caring if it would be seen or not because no matter what, I was going to be there for K as a friend even though we were no longer an item. I also added that I hoped things had picked up for K. K responded sometime in the day telling me that things were getting better and that I too felt better. I feel like crying, but I'm also elated K seems to feel better.

back to the question:

how do you (I) feel?

I honestly don't know. 

Who Knew?

Okay my hands are shaking. I don't think that's really normal. Why? 

Cause I'm hungry. Absolutely famished.

I had a pretty good lunch I would say. Fried rice porridge haha. Weird as it sounds, it was really good. It was Kim's own homemade fried rice, thrown into her homemade vege soup, with some fried bak choi on the side. YUM. Took a while to eat cause it was piping hot, and by the end of it, I was happy with a fully belly. But now, 4 hours later, I'm shaking in hunger and calming down my empty stomach with an orange and a cereal drink.

They say coffee is an appetite opener, but as far as I was concerned, only black coffee could do that. Boy was I wrong. I downed an afternoon coffee today cause I was struggling to keep my eyelids open. An hour later, I'm here, writing this post. Haha.

Moral of this story:
1. Don't drink coffee on an empty stomach, it might make you hungrier.
2. Get some snacks ready if you are.


Oh, and Happy Single Awareness Day to all of you! (: Valentine's Day should be celebrated everyday in my opinion. So tell everyone around you that you love them, everyday! 

Also, check out One Billion Rising, a pledge to end violence against women! (: 

가슴속에 숨긴 사람..

Tis the season.

I've gone into mourning. It's not even 24 hours yet, but it feels like an eternity already.
The sleepless night, the tears, the drenched pillow.
My eyes already knows how not to be puffy anymore.
For once, I actually feel like drinking this one away.
But alcohol and my body don't click too well...
Or maybe it will from now on? Maybe it'll go easy on me this time.

Damn, I look beautiful when I cry. 

C-C-C-Chameleonnnnn

I'm writing a short thing on chameleons for work, and I decided to distract myself with looking up photos of these cute little creatures. Enjoy:

SO FRIGGIN KEWT. 

The Last.

2013 is coming to an end, and yes, this seems horrid, that I'm about drop a major rant. But I'd like to look at it as somewhat of a message to a lot of people out there. Four incidents that I feel need to be addressed. So I apologize in advance if this insults anyone/ hurts anyone's feelings. Also if this is too long, I'm sorry.

Case Numero Uno:
I had been sitting on a major highway, crawling my way home. It was starting to get on my nerves so I decided it was probably better to turn off into an alternative route to get home. So, being the responsible driver I am, I flicked my signal to go and checked if there were any cars. I saw a car coming at a distance and knew I had enough time to make it, so I exited where I was. But somehow, halfway through getting out of that tight space, the guy had sped up and was RIGHT next to my car, honking and making a ruckus. I took a glance and saw his wife starring me down, and him with an angry hand gesture. Whatever, I decided to ignore it because I knew that he sped up on purpose so that he could overtake me before I took the lead (as if one car would make such a big difference), the way a lot of locals do here. Whatever. So he was in front of me, and so happens, we were heading the same route, and hit a traffic light. As there were three lanes, I decided to take the most vacant one and go on my merry way. But, I ended up on the spot right next to his and by then, he had the window on his wife's side down and was yelling in Malay, with more angry hand gestures, telling me to "GO DIE". So you can imagine how I was already feeling since the honking up to the traffic lights: nervous, yet, pumping with so much adrenaline.
My response:
I smiled, the biggest I could, and pulled my my own hand gestures, a peace sign, with my giant peace sign ring facing them.

Case Numero Dos:
I was heading out of work, going home, and decided it wasn't too early to switch into the lane that I needed to be on. So, again, being the responsible driver I was, I flicked my signal, peeked out a little and began edging my way out of the lane. When suddenly this motorcycle started charging at me, honking furiously. Being the motorcyclist he was, he swerved his way around my car, ahead of me, slammed on his breaks with and angry hand gesture, yelled a really loud "OI!", rolled his eyes and sped off.
My response:
He had already sped off, so I just sat there in, not sure if I should be mad, upset, or guilty that this happened.

Case Numero Tres:
On separate incidents, I went out with some people (who hang out in the same clan). First time, it was with A&B. We decided to go watch a movie, and wanted to get some grub before. It was a weekend, so obviously it'd be a busy busy BUSY day anywhere, everywhere. One of our orders included two drinks, long story short, the drinks never came even when we were about to leave. I can understand why it may have slipped, or if the waiter had forgot. I mean, the waiters had to take tables from numerous tables before sending them to the kitchen. On the other hand, I can also get why one would be displeased by the absence of an order. However, what came next was a major shocker. Yep, you prolly guessed it... Someone asked for our drinks, but in the least courteous way; demanding, authoritative, pissed off. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't say something to the person at the time. Instead, I did the total opposite to the waiter, and thanked profusely.
On the second food date with these people with two additions: C&D, we went for brunch. It was a Sunday, but not too busy at the restaurant we occupied. C&D had already been there a little when I got there, with their food orders in. Not long after I arrived, A&B got there. Together, we ordered our brunch. Long story short, the waiters messed up the orders somehow... I guess when three people are giving you orders and constantly changing their orders and trying to make up their minds, I can see how it'd be confusing... This time, C took charge of dealing with the waiters. Now, a little back story of C.. I've known C for a while, and in all our interactions, they've been pleasant: C was generally a great person.. So naturally what occurred at the restaurant left me speechless. C was awfully rude, demanding, and authoritative, paired with frustration and annoyance.
My response:
So new was this that I actually could not speak. DAMN IT KIM. So instead, I let C settle my share of the bill as well. Thanks C. I'm sure you know who you are. I hope you stop being so rude. 


Case Numero Cuatro:
It's lunch time, my colleague and I went to get food. The system works like this: you grab a table, have someone sit there/something there to reserve it before someone takes it away from you. Then you go to the counter (there are two guys standing together), you give the first guy your order and the table number, pay at the cashier (this is the 2nd guy with the cash register), and they'll bring the food to you. So I had my colleague sit there while I ordered the food. It had been a while since my last visit, so I forgot about the table number, and had to kinda slide a little out of the line to check my table number. Then, as I did that, the lady behind me figured it was a good time for her to swerve around me and jump in front of me to pay for two packets of take away items.
My response:
I waited till she was done paying, and tapped her on the shoulder. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi aunty, I know you're in a hurry, we all are, but its not very nice to jump queue la..
Her: Yeah, I know. But I'm only over there (pointed at her table) and I only needed to buy this very quickly.
Me: Yes, aunty, I know, but next time, don't jump queue la, it's not very nice...
Her: Yes, I know. Do you want this? Just take this la.

Me: Aunty, it's okay, that's not the point. Next time, just don't do it again okay?

Her: Yes. Next time. Just keep it to yourself!

Honestly. When I think about it, I'm starting to ask myself if I was like this before I left the country. I probably was. Demanding and shit, especially at eateries. Shit, never again. 

Since the 3rd incident, I promised myself, never, ever, ever again will I sit aside and watch injustice happen. And to whoever is reading this, I hope you too stand up for injustice, whether it's as simple as telling an "adult" that she should line up, or if it is throwing up peace signs at rude drivers, or even standing up against your friends for the way they're treating an inferior. Do it. Many of us, myself included, have lived in the shadows of others, brushing things off, saying "it's okay, they're like that", when we know deep down it's unethical and completely rude. So I hope all of you reading this, will join me in standing up and spreading the message. And by that, I also mean that you deal with the situations with maturity, with respect, to raise neither your voice, nor your fists no matter what the person does. 

I hope your 2014 rings in more joy, garners in more respect, and that all those beautiful wishes come true. It's a new year, new me, and I hope, a new you too. 

Love,

Kim. 

Setengah.

Ya know what, it's definitely been too long.

Frankly, I'm a horrible blogger; if you can even categorize me as one. I take hiatuses, go AWOL, and basically play hide and seek with everyone, be it on social media or not. If people are even aware is a completely different field. But really, I've been home a while, and only a handful of people know. Some basically find out by bumping into me, not that I go out THAT often to begin with. Others, well, it's just cause I actively seek them out. Talk about lasting impressions: another thing I'm horrible with. I don't exactly remember a lot about a person. My brain only remembers those whose koo-koo levels are on par with mine. Either that or my crazy infatuated self thinks she's in love with you. You know, either or. Thinking aloud here.

But really, I know I apologize a lot, and knowing me (as much as I'd like to not admit it), I will be doing a lot more of that. Apologizing, that is. And yeah, you're probably right, it is an awful awful excuse to be missing from social media, or even this lonely, forsaken blog. Poor thing.

To be quite honest with you, I've not been in the best place lately. Not so much emotionally, nor mentally. Being a "fresh grad", being "funemployed, and been practically thrusted into the unwelcoming embrace of "the real world", and readjusting back to Malaysian culture (and not being very fond of it) has zombie-fied my.. well, me. I'm a pretty optimistic person in general. Though I may not seem it, nor do I portray it as much, I am. Especially when people laugh at me in disbelief; my optimism levels tend to skyrocket. Or so I thought.

I would go on. But honestly, what else is there to say right? Sides, what goes on the internet stays there permanently and whatever I say here shall be taken so seriously along with the repercussions that come with the package whether you want it to or not. Right? So, I'll just leave it as it is right now. I think I'm moving on with this and shan't think any longer about what has already happened.

We'll see where the wind blows this time. Hopefully it'll get me back to writing again.