Lessons on Saying Sorry

As we close up 2019, I am once again at a point where I feel compelled to collect feelings compiled from the year. Needless to say, 2019 has been an eventful year. In the year of 2019, I have (in no particular order)....

1. Officially completed over a year of working for the folks
2.  Switched rinks to a place where I feel comfortable coaching
3. Added new toys to my possession, albeit at a price tag that may not fully justify it's use
4. Noticed increases in credit card bills on a monthly basis
5. Come back full circle in realizing that I have spent too much money unnecessarily
6. Completed some pretty challenging but fun freelance work, of that I have to count my blessings
7. (This one is a first world problem) Skipped out the first year of my US travel visa 
8. Pissed off quite a lot of people, including myself (and as a result)
9. Cried bucket loads of tears in frustration, bitterness, and everything else in between
10. Attempted (failed, and am still struggling) being plant based 

I am an avid believer in going through the process. 

Over the years I have observed that the only way to becoming better, is to be dragged through the mud. Through my own experiences, I began to understand what they meant by "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". This year, I found myself using the next example quite often when talking about change. I once read that the process of change/improvement is like dealing with clay. Before you can mould the clay, you have to pick it up, throw it down a few times, so that the clay becomes compact. Whether it is about policy, governance, career, or even lifestyle. There has to be that rough stage before things can begin to take shape/form. 

It took a while to come to this explanation. In fact, it was not until I was introduced to Gary Vaynerchuk (Gary Vee, I'm sure most of us know who he is) that I could put these thoughts into words. When I watched the clips on his Instagram, the words he spoke rang a bell. He speaks often of "the process", and how things have to progress, that they take time. But he also emphasizes that you have to "be able to eat shit" before you can even begin to see the fruits of your work. Granted, he refers mostly to careers (which most of us struggle with), but seeing how work IS inevitably a part of life, he means life. 

On midnight of 2019, I was nursing an awful migraine, soothing myself to sleep as fireworks went off around me. If you've ever had a migraine, you would know that you'd be ultra sensitive to any light, sounds, or smells. There I was, in that awful state, but I told myself that when I woke up, it'd be a new day, and that I could strive to a better me. I was not wrong. This year was a tough year of dealing with my emotions, my socials, my finances, and my life choices. For starters, I was about 4 months into my current job working for my folks, but disliking every minute of it. On top of that, I had to do the ONE job among many others that held the title of "sales". A post that I absolutely dislike, but have to do. To make matters worse, using my acting skills, I was able to rake in a considerable amount of sales, much to my surprise and dismay (that means that I was "good" at what I was doing, even though I did not necessarily like it). This got worse around the middle of the year, where I realized that I really did not like my job. Because you see, my real love is acting, with a set and crew, plus a script/story. Not only did I know deep down in my heart that I did not like it, but my body was beginning to reject it. I was getting sick often, or be overcome with exhaustion, but would still force myself to get out of bed. Day in, day out. Week after week, month after month. 

Part of the process, is the heartbreak

It was also around this time that I reconnected with someone who I had lost touch with. To make referencing easy, we shall name said person M. We lost touch because I felt that my disagreement to one of their choices. The discussion became too heavy, and in a moment of disagreement, the phone call was disconnected, and left that way until I was invited out for dinner. It felt like the perfect timing, as one of my closest friends had just moved back to the US for her PhD program. I had always admired this person for their ability to give up a dream job for many, to start something of their own. I was also constantly amazed at this person's intelligence, and ability to articulate that made the person so easy to talk to. We were hanging out often, as if to make up for all that lost time. At one point, I even opened up about my work, and how suffocated I felt. I even broke down in front of others as it was such a low time.

But, like any and everything, there was a breaking point. The breaking point was when, in a moment of panic, I was removed from this person's communication. Completely cut off and removed like a piece of trash. The details leading up to the breaking point are personal between the both of us, so shall remain as such. But long story short, I felt disrespected, thus disappointed in a person who I saw so highly of. So, in response, it felt like the rest of the world was also against me. Oh, and did I mention, that work was not exactly great? It could've just been me, but it felt like office politics were beginning to get heavier around the same time. 

In anger, I went to work. In anger, I showed my fangs and bit back when I felt like those around me were being disrespectful. In clear earshot of others, I raised my voice in anger as I trembled and bellowed at one colleague. In anger, I mistook another colleague's mocking, and hurt the person emotionally when I spoke up against it. In the moment, I spoke up against injustice, but in retrospect, it may not have been my place to do so. Both of these colleagues of mine were people who had known me since I was in my pre-teens. Both made upset by me, in a span of a week. As a ripple effect, I managed to upset two others. 

Needless to say, I was angry. Really angry. 

The key is to STOP feeling sorry for yourself

For the next few weeks, I went to work and through life, just sad. I went to work, like a zombie. Day in, day out. Silence. No laughing, no interacting, no smiling, no chit chat. I felt dead on the inside. After work, I'd go home, avoid talking to my family, and just crying in bed. Next morning, repeat. I was barely getting acting jobs, for good reason. I was burnt out, and looked like the walking dead. I needed the time to just rest. This went on for a little while. The only time I was not feeling like this was when I was coaching my kids. For some reason, the moment I stood on the ice with my skates on, with the kids, it is as if nothing had happened. 

Luckily for me, last year, while attending a classmate's wedding, I made a new friend. Our interaction was short, but meaningful. Since exchanging our instagram, we would check in on one another, mostly me being checked on, because I am bad at checking in (mostly because I feel awkward in doing so). Around this time, I shared what had happened. In return, got a bunch of cool drawings, a lot of sass, and a big fat slap (much needed crude reminder) that I have to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. Not only was I being told this, Gary Vee's content was also drumming a lot about being responsible for your own shit, and owning it. 

Alright. It was time. So, the first thing I did, was chant about it. (Back story, I practice Nichiren Buddhism and am a part of the Soka Gakkai. Part of our practice is to chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo twice a day. Of course, I was slacking at the time, feeling sorry for myself. Going to bed with my own pity party instead of owning my shit). During that process, I cried a bunch, and I told myself, no more pity partying. So one by one, I began apologizing to my colleagues who I have wronged. I may not like my job, but that's all on me. No one else deserves to be yelled at. I've since made up with all but one colleague, who still intimidates me and actively ignores me. That's cool. In time, maybe. 

A friend once relayed a message told by a deceased friend. The friend mentioned an observation of their friendship, that was smooth sailing. One that did not encounter arguments ore fights. "We never once fought, or got angry at one another. It's not a bad thing, it's just that it doesn't give us a sense of intimacy." "What do you mean?" "Fighting or arguing about something gives the relationship meaning. Of course, not to fight over nothing, but to have disagreements every now and then, gives the relationship a new meaning, a sense of closure, and deep understanding & bonding. 

Easing out of quick sand; still stuck, but surely

So here I was, making strides and feeling victorious with my colleagues. Of course, life does not end there. In the last year, I have had a handful of discussions with my family that did not end great. In 2019, I have dedicated most of my time to staying silent when it came to disagreements in the family. But recently, in disappointment, I walked away from preparing dinner midway. Instead, opted for silence, and a dinner strike. Usually, I would raise my voice when we were all called for a family meeting. I'd be the first to chime in my thoughts and opinions. This time, my dad came to speak to me in person. While I voiced my opinion, I did my best to be level headed, to find my words, and speak them instead of yell them. I expressed my disappointment, shared my hurt, and explained that I was in no correct state to have a diplomatic discussion. 

A couple weeks back, I also met up with M. This was inspired by Atypical on Netflix (a show highly recommended in my list). The protagonist, a kid on the autistic spectrum went through an agonizing period of losing his best friend over a major disagreement, but ended up saving the BFF. If an autistic kid can put aside his pride, so can I, I thought. So we met, I got an apology, and responded. As close as we once were, I could not bring myself to look M in the eye and fully look past the hurt. While pouring out my thoughts, I just looked to the side and kept my glance at the distance. Then when I was told that the ball is now in my court, I felt overwhelmed and left. 

This incident reminded me of a classmate I was once close to, but who I had hurt tremendously. I would like to say it was not my fault, but I have no one to blame but myself. While we've remained civil, we can never go back to the way our friendship once was. I take full responsibility for my actions, and do not expect the person to share my desire for the friendship to go back to the way they once were. Granted, we all make mistakes, but some mistakes are meant to be made for the lessons to be learnt. Boy, did I learn my lesson. It was a heavy price to pay. The only difference is, now the roles are reversed. Even more so now, I whole-heartedly comprehend the hurt my friend received. While I've been forgiven for the hurt I've caused, it can never be forgotten. 

Actions speak louder than words

No scenario is the same, thus, the significance of the apology shall follow. If I could turn back time, I would change the way I hurt my classmate. But the lesson I learnt has played a huge role in how I would like to respect, and be respected, a struggle I still face today. While I seem to have made amends with my colleagues, the best I can be is civil with my classmate. Easier said than done, it is the actions that mean most. For starters, not being a dick is the rule of thumb. No one likes a person who treats you like garbage, so why do the same to others? As kids, whenever we'd have a squabble with another person, our parents/guardians would put us in a room until we apologized to one another. Doesn't matter who was wrong, both parties were involved in this squabble, so both have wronged the other. As adults, the mere act of saying sorry is such a tall order. 

A friend recently recalled something from her Social Psych class:
"Often times, people apologize for themselves, and not for how they made the other person feel". She said that we don't realize this, but when we say sorry, we go "I'm sorry. I did this because___". It's always the case when people apologize because subconsciously, we're trying to protect ourselves, by making ourselves look good. When actually, it's more harmful that way. 

HUH.

While using words to say "I'm sorry" takes a lot out of one's ego, sometimes, words just do not suffice. As someone who has struggled with expressing myself, I often find myself in situations where I feel frustrated in failing to properly express my thoughts. So often times, I compensate by doing something that I feel is "nice" as a way of expressing myself. As a result, I am also acutely aware that my preference for apologies should come in forms of actions. Instead of just saying sorry, how about actually showing the other person that you're sorry? No need to beat yourself up in front of the person you wronged. Instead, show up more. Truly give it your best shot. With my colleagues, I am still in the process of checking in with them, getting to know them in little ways. All while sharing with them my favorite dark chocolate digestive cookies. It's small, but I'm hoping it's helping them slowly move past our differences. 

Most of us aren't kids anymore. If you can read this, and have read this far, I'm confident that you believe that you are a grown adult, and that you can make wise life decisions. Since we're not kids who have been forced to say sorry, (based on my own personal experience), I've observed these approaches: 

1. As painful as it was, reflect on what happened from start to current point
2. Sincerely apologizing for how we made the OTHER person feel
3. WITHOUT explaining WHY I did what I did back there
4. Using our actions to help all parties involved move past what happened
5. Understand that if the person still refuses to see you, that this person needs more time and space to be with that feeling. Pushing them for an answer/response is not going to help you/the situation
6. Recognizing that some things may not go back to where they were, and that's okay. We're all individual people, with individual lives. Life goes on, with or without each other

Challenge for 2020: How to piss people off, without telling them to piss off

Pissing people off when the universe is making it happen, is alright, as it is part of that growth process. So why add more fuel to the fire by being unnecessarily tough? 2019 was definitely a year filled with pissing people off. While it may not be intentional, the next course of action, at least for me, is to avoid making others feel lesser than they feel/are. We all know that once the words leave us, we can never take them back. In 2019, I've observed some new ways to be patient. My job of working in sales has also given me a new found perspective on what it means to be patient. My biggest challenge moving forward is really making the conscious effort to scream less, and listen more. A good friend once taught me, when you're listening, count to twenty before you respond. And more recently, I've learnt "W-A-I-T" which stands for "WHY-AM-I-TALKING". From my observations, I blow up often because I seldom give others the chance to finish what they're saying before I respond. Leaving me like a lobster in boiling water. Moving forward, this is something I'm going to strive towards. 

A Luminous Sapphire

Since it's the festive season, and as the year comes to a close, I wanted to take this little time left of the year to talk about an experience that occurred this year.

I thought I'd also accompany this story with an item I had eyed for over a year (I finally bought it after much much thought, and after keeping it in the drawers, opened it today). Said item and the story are somewhat intertwined, and I thought it befitting to show off said item.

Anyway, the story goes like this.. Sometime in the middle of 2018, I was in the process of purchasing this gorgeous fountain pen that I've been eyeing for a while. For some magical reason, the company, Benupen from Russia, had been following me on Instagram which led me to browse through their items. After a long time of oogling over the pens, I decided to gift myself with two pens from this company.

The purchase itself was smooth, with the correspondent being really helpful and informative. (Most of the interaction happened over Instagram) But what came after reminded me of just how much good there is in this world.

You see, around this time, a person close to heart was in Russia for work. Let's name the person, C. Just a little background on C: C is a foreigner to Russia, with zero understanding of the language and geography of the city. One day, C was sent out by a colleague to pick up art supplies. With only the address in hand, C was sent off to get the supplies needed for work. Needless to say, C got super lost. Despite using an Uber, C was sent to the wrong place. Poor thing didn't know what to do, and no one spoke English.

Luckily for me, I had just completed the purchase of my pens and was speaking to the correspondent about some other issues. In desperation, I asked the correspondent, Kate, to help me. (If you're reading this, Hi Kate!) Without hesitation, Kate agreed to help C. She checked C's location, got her to the supply store, called C to help with translation, then got C back to home base. All this for a complete stranger!

When C got back to the hotel, I could hear the huge relief that rolled off C's back. Oh man. I would've been just as nervous if I were in that situation. I've never met Kate, and from the sound of it, she's just a mere employee of Benupen, but she went out of her way to help a stranger that could give her nothing in return, really warmed my heart.

I know I know, you're probably thinking that this is way overdue. Why even bother talking about it after so long.. Well, to be honest, I had been wanting to talk about this for a really long time. This one day was so significant that I really wanted to make sure that I etched the time out to put this story out there.

2018 had been a rather challenging time. Not just for me, I'm sure. But I had experienced lots of changes and issues that are still playing out as the year comes to an end. This story is something that I hold dear to me, because of the immense warmth and kindness that came from it. I thought I'd just share this small but significant story.

As the year comes to a close, I shan't make anymore empty promises of a fuller blog, but I guess from time to time, I'd like to still be able to share stories that made an impact in my life. Here's to the remainder of 2018, and cheers to a fulfilling 2019.

Thank you, Kate from Benupen. I have not met you in person but I hope that if I do, I would like to give you the biggest hug.

Oh, and here is ONE of the two gorgeous pens that I bought.

Happy New Year everyone

A Love Story

I want to take a moment to address something I hold truly dear to my heart.



Since the age of 4, after watching a video of figure skating, I fell in love.
I was so drawn by the grace, the beauty (yes, the costumes had SOMEthing to do with it), and fun factor I could get from spinning. Trust me when I say that I kept spinning right after that... The spinning often drove my parents insane. Haha.

After years of bugging my parents (mom), I had the great fortune in taking lessons from the age of 13. Since then, for a solid 6 years, I was lucky enough to participate in competitions and had the chance to "climb" the skating ladders until I left for university.

Fast forward to September of 2017, I was lucky enough to get a job at a rink that feels so much like home. The woman who had coached me for most of my skating years is now my "boss" and still treats me like her student. She continues to provide me (and the other coaches) training not only to become a good coach, but also to improve our skating skills.

Some days, I have really bad days, and some days, I feel like I am flying on the ice.

Two days ago, I had to tie & untie my skates so many times, until I settled with two sore feet. The kind that felt more like a tight squeeze you get from a corset, and was not really having it.

However, today in particular, was a great day:
For starters, my skates were in the perfect fit. No pain, and not too loose.
Secondly, a guest coach is visiting and today we worked on some really useful dance steps, which we then had to incorporate that into our jumps afterwards.
Granted, I fell a couple times, and I slipped even more.
But it was so fun, the hour flew by so fast, and I didn't want it to end at all.

After the training, we stayed back a little for some spins, and I saw the progress that I was making. Even after a decade of absence from the ice, finally being able to come back to where I left off was truly rewarding.

*

I know, lots of people don't see skating as a sport. They don't think it compares to "soccer"/ "football", or *inserts some sport*. Growing up, I have dipped my toes in many many many sports. You name it, I've tried it. Sprinting, long distance running (it didn't take long for me to say goodbye), basketball, volleyball, football (soccer), badminton, tennis, squash, high jump, American football, swimming, rock climbing, ballet, gymrama.. the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy some of them thoroughly.. Even the ones that had me saying "THAT WAS PAINFUL" are still like little pieces of my smelly pillow etched on my little fragile heart. Looking back, I have fond memories of myself participating in those sports.

However...

Figure skating, by far, takes the cake in my sporting life, despite getting teased, made fun of, and confidently told that skating is an "easy" sport, or "not even a sport at all".
So! Like everything, even with food, I dare everyone (especially those teasers) to [come by the rink and] give it a go. I will be more than happy to watch you prove your point.



Needless to say, this sport will have a huge part of my heart. That little 4 year old that fell in love is still very very much in love. A love hate sometimes. But oh so in love.

Today was a really really good day.

I'm Changing My Name!

Hello!

It's been a while.
Indeed.


While everyone is out catching up to their new year's resolutions (or taking care of the almost forgotten ones from the yesteryears), I have made up my mind.
I'm changing my name.
My insta name that is.
Psych.


This is actually something I've thought about for a while.
Like a tattoo that I don't want to regret, I knew that I had wanted a change.
M previous handle kimberleyknhe is still a huge part of me and it will thus remain the same but this name actually has a story behind it.

Over the years, we've seen an increase in 2 varying train of thoughts in regards to social media.
1. The social media norm of posting photos that reflect the surface of one's reality
2. The once social media influencers that have come out to talk about their experiences as a social media influencer and the negative effects they've faced.

So far, in my experience, I've only seen a majority of the 2 train of thoughts above.
While I do have a FB & Twitter account, I use both of them only for the purpose of work/ group activities and banking on the joy that I have so little followers that I get to just spit whatever I'm thinking. So those two social media accounts are for my own benefits than anything else.. (please do not follow me) I don't even have my birthday on there.

And it's got me thinking...
I've not seen anyone been totally honest on their social media.
So far, I've seen those Buzzfeed videos where they post "the truth" on their social media for a week.
But after that video, it's back to the usual.
To many, I'm considered to be a lazy mo-fo. I am inconsistent with posting anything, let alone being hard working in going through all the filters and stuff. At most I use Insta filters and tweaks. Even my hastags make the occasional appearance... when I feel like it.

ANYWAY.

In a very minute way, I have been a mini enthusiast of photography. Give me a DSLR and...
I will still be confused with all the manual tweaks (trust me, this is one of those things my brain just doesn't want to remember no matter how many times I've learnt it...) But give me a smart phone, or any point and shoot, and I will use the heck out of that camera.
Less is more. I like to see what angles and perspectives I can use to optimize my photos instead of buttons and pulleys I can never remember.

This got me thinking: "why not bank on that?"

Instead of posting my "best featured" photo, I will post my daily things. It can be something happy, totally sad, or even something totally honest like "I peed without toilet paper today" but my challenge is to use basic cellphone cameras to take a photo using natural elements and angles. While some of the content may be grim, I believe that it would be a more realistic expression of the human experience.

Thus... starting January 21 2018 (MYT)

My new handle will be krimgram

I don't think I need to explain the choice. It's not that hard to put two and two together.

So, if you're asking..
What's new with me for 2018?
I'm changing my name.
I hope you'll support me in my endeavor as I post something on the daily, and I hope that you would help me as I work on my basic simple photography skills!

xo

Kim

Sidenote: this will not be and IS NOT a reveal of my private life as I like to believe that I'm a pretty private person and I'd like to keep it that way.. previous experiences have compelled me to keep my own life to myself and I intend to make that a status quo.

A Dialogue I Had with Myself

A few days ago, I had a conversation with myself. It went a little something like this...

Contents have been modified to make sense of the conversation without revealing the personal bits/person(s) involved.
To make things easily comprehensible, I will name myself K & H. K for the conscious, H for the subconscious.

H: Wasn't that weird? Don't you think that was really weird?
K: Yeah dude. It was.
H: Here's the more important question. Why are you down grading yourself, why do you let yourself be the person who gives in first?
K: I don't know. I just..
H: I mean, don't you respect yourself enough to be take a step back and just let things happen naturally? Why do you always put others before yourself first?
K: ...

H: I mean, look, I get it. But don't you think that question makes sense? Don't you think you should re-evaluate your situation thus far? It only makes sense as to why your friend exit rates are this high..
K: Hey, I have people who love me too!
H: Right. But you also have some who've said goodbye and their departure still boggles you sometimes.
K: Right. I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I wonder why I throw myself at people. Especially when I start liking someone...
H: Yeah. Why do you do that..
K: I.. *sigh* This is why people can't stand me, and they leave.


H: Well, okay. Honestly, it's not your fault. No one is perfect. You... you obviously have a lot of stuff that you can improve on. But it doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes, it's just that some others are okay with you, like they know it's a part of you and they accept that its who you are. And there are some who just can't deal with you. But you and I know that you can never make everyone happy. It's a known fact. There will always be people who can look past all this stuff and love you. But sadly, for the small amount of people who do, there will be a big amount of those who won't. It doesn't make you or them a bad person, its just not meant to be..
H: I think one thing you can do is remember this.. if something comes, or like if someone comes into your life, let them. But it's also really important that you remind yourself not to beat yourself up when that same someone/something has to leave. When it's time to leave, let it. Maybe tug at it a little to gage their stance with you, but when its time, let it end.

Quick Update

The days leading up to my weekend has been eventful to say the least.

My heart sorta went into overdrive, emotionally at least.
And now, is slowly stepping off the roller coaster ride and doing deep exhale exercises.

But now that that's out of the way, it is time for work.

Much much awaited work.

Starting with this little link that I had vowed to update every week but seem to only do so when my mind is off duty from work/feels/meetings/sleep/errands.
Bloody excuses.

Yep, so here is something to let you guys know that I am excited about this project that I am currently working on. It is a script, a task that has been graciously presented to me over last few days, which I had painstakingly been chugging at mentally so far. Everything feels like it's been spread out in front of me in a beautiful mess, now all that's left of it is for me to pull everything together into a flawless piece of writing.

Of course, among other things, errands and my "day job" as I like to call it will still come into play.

Meanwhile I am also keeping tabs on my emotional wellbeing, ensuring that I am taking good care of my mental health, and also to really push myself towards better physical health.


I hope you guys are also taking vigil over your health, both mental and physical.
Talk, share, experience, vent.
Even if it's to a stranger on a dating app that you'll never ever see ever again.
Do it.
Before it's too late.

So Many Things I Wish I Could Tell 유

//The scariest bit about this entire thing was:

Not really knowing who to turn to 

I'm not sure if July is the month of break ups,

But I've bumped into video after video about break ups,

Articles on love and preserving them

Opinion pieces and suggestion columns 

About relationships, misunderstanding, and expectations

In the first week itself, 

I've learnt about the assumptions exes make

Read about the biggest killers that cause make heads bake

and how love can come in the form of a bologna sandwich. 

As I watch these, read these, consider these

I can't help but feel like I'm the worst to date.

//In the two weeks since our silence,

so many things have happened.

In the same time that all of these has been happening,

I had things that's got me counting my blessings.

For starters, the 3rd day from D-Day, 

I got my cousin who came to wipe the tears away.

She picked me up as I fell to the ground

Propped me up in anger paired with concern

Shed tears the way she shared her compassion

Like a waterfall, resilient, strong, yet calm

She embraced me and reminded me to carry on.

In the next few days, I got booked myself an audition

I went in despite knowing that I'd be nothing but a poor addition

Then I received an email 

It said that I'm a participant on a radio show

Little did I know that my demons would show their tails

As my performance level was nothing but low

Leaving me no choice but to be the first one to go.

Since the episode on at the radio company,

To be forgiving & understanding is something I've begun to see 

After being eliminated, I've once again evaluated my direction 

So much so, it's gotten me all fired up back into motion

//The amount of times I've been asked about marriage 

has only increased. But instead of feeling silently proud that I still have you,

I've come up with snarky angry responses to get the questions to stop, 

even if only for the day. 

It's a week before Seoul Pride.

I had this dream that involved the church protestors. 

I, along with the others were all at the bus station

I was prepping with Hayden and others to board the bus

Excited to be celebrating love, acceptance, and for being who we are

The protestors, clad in white, were waiting near us,

But surprisingly, so was I.

Since they were doing their own thing, 

my friends and I just let them be.

Then when the bus showed up, 

and we all boarded the bus, 

we weren't alone, as the protestors also boarded.

I had plonked myself down at the very front, 

as the protestors filed to the back.

In surprise, I asked Hayden "what's up with that?"

only to learn that this had been a tradition.

"They've always been riding with us in peace,

it started with only a few of them 

but it grew over the years" 

But even as Hayden was explaining to me,

One of the angry ahjumma protestors came up to me with a giant banner

telling me to write in to a religious magazine in protest.

Calmly, I let her finish what she had to say

then with a giant smile, legs spread wide,

I locked eyes with her and told her 

"you know I'm gay, right?" 

//Oh yeah,  생일 축하해.
I remembered it this year.

Here’s What’s Wrong with the Watsons Commercial

Now that we’re officially in the month of Ramadan, it’s no surprise that everyone is in ad & commercial full gear. To many Malaysians, you’d probably have seen this one that stuck out like a sore thumb among them all: The Watsons Malaysia’s Raya Ni Mesti Cun ad.

It’s about 11 minutes long, features a huge team of local celebrities from various backgrounds, (which, brownie points for trying) but to be quite honest, is tremendously disappointing to say the least.

Since hitting social media on June 7th, many have come out in anger and disappointment in that

SPOILER ALERT for those of you who still have not yet seen it..

It features a character in blackface, basically to reflect filth and dirt, who is then transformed, somehow magically into a “flawless woman” after going to Watsons.

Here is what I found to be tremendously problematic, in sequence:
(It's a pretty detailed one..but I hope you read it all to the end)

1.     At the very beginning, there was a narrator who had started the ad, the soft, gentle one that you usually hear on the radio. But that narration was abruptly interrupted by a voice, one that I personally found to be tremendously rude, and frankly annoying, who took over the narrative. While the take over was fine, it was the script that went into it that I found absolutely degrading. The new voice pointed out that the original narration was “boring sangat” and so this new voice was going to take over. We find out that the voice belongs to the King’s servant because

2.     The servant addresses the king by “orang kaya” and obeys all his orders albeit in a seemingly reckless, clumsy manner. Perhaps this was their way of adding a comical vibe to the ad, but a useless and demeaning one in my opinion. So, is this actually about a king, or a rich man?

3.     The King orders the servant to go on a search for a maiden/bride with a beautiful voice to bring a face to the voice in his dreams. Ah, yet another piece approving the objection of women to serve men, a patriarchic move. Bravo. At that point in time, I’m turned off, ready to leave the video, but the reason behind all the fuss, so I go on.

4.     The entire thing seems to be set in some depiction of… a desert/ some place that isn’t Malaysia. If this was based on a Malay folklore, then shouldn’t there be tropical forests, and mountain ranges like the ones we actually have here?

5.     The servant man wants to make an announcement but his trumpet guy can’t produce a grand enough sound to grab anyone’s attention. So he asks for his trumpet, gets a cuba, and mocks the size of the instrument, yet seems to play a decent short piece off it. But doesn’t even bother to explain what the instrument actually is. All of the above, tremendously insignificant, uninteresting, and uninformative, quite the contrary, in fact. Problematic to say the least. Especially when children in their formative years now heavily relies on social media as a form of out-of-classroom, watches something like this, obtains ill informed knowledge from ads like this. How can we expect them, as they grew up, to make informed and wise choices? Even if we can say that it’s just one ad, what difference does it make? Then I’d like to ask you to think about that one time someone close to you said something really hurtful. No matter how long ago that was, I’m sure it’ll surface. The same goes for kids and learning.

6.     Women covered up, showing only their eyes, except the two ladies who I’m guessing are the celebrities... (okay, I don’t really know local celebs very well) Let’s be real here for a minute. Even if you’re trying to place more focus on the two characters, there are much better ways of doing so than to throw others into headscarves covering them up like that. Unless they personally requested that they remained that way on shoot as they do off set. Come on now.

7.     Then came shots of women from all over the world who had heard about the news, preparing themselves for the big day. And the first part shows the change from a modest look to an emphasis on “assets”. Simply put, women are being objectified and looked at only for their bodies and their looks.

8.     Not to mention, the names of countries & locations in the world had been changed for fictional reasons, but all of them depict some rather stereotypical displays of the countries.

9.     With that said, one character in particular stood out as well. One of the characters was depicted to be living in the jungle, dark skinned, and bad teeth, seemingly evil, but after brushing her teeth, had sparkling pearly whites, which made absolutely no sense. She also seemed to have cleaned up really well for the competition day for she showed up in a well-put together outfit, and not to mention extra emphasis on her pearly whites.

10. Then the day of the competition arrived. All the female characters roll in one by one in their best. First to arrive is the princess of China, she looks gorgeous and glamorous, but her head piece hits the top of her podium as she’s exiting. Everyone else who came afterwards had no problems entering. If I could be so quick to assume… this was a mockery of the Chinese, perhaps? Are we playing race politics here? What’s going on?

11. Then comes the Eurasian princess who is supposed to be Rapunsel? Entering with her is also a prince, who not only seems out of place, but has to put up with the madness of the situation. I get it, they’re trying to display the fact that they understand diversity. But apparently it can only take place in the West. A poor attempt at portraying the fact that they care about diversity, especially not after they made only the “Chinese princess” bump her headpiece as another meek attempt at comedy.

12. Then comes the big moment: all the contestants compete. Obviously, they do appallingly. None of them can even carry a note. Seriously? There are people who can sing, and some who can do better. Why did they have to stoop to that level of making everyone become cringe worthy? Immensely degrading of people’s abilities, and completely unnecessary. Plus, the fact that these actors they hired to play the part, are paid a truck ton of money just to be in the commercial, is absolutely pointless.

13. On the same note, the Thai princess. It’s clearly a Thai costume, or again, some depiction of the Thai costume, but acted out by an Indian celebrity. Not only does the character butcher their traditional dance, but makes a serious mockery of it. We get your point, none of them make the cut, but again, all this was unnecessary. Also, there were lots of people on the project, I’m sure, but no one bothered to say something about how ignorant and disrespectful all of this is?

14. Then comes the false winner that was incorrectly announced as a result of “reading the results upside down”. Was this a poke at the Miss Universe pageant and the Oscars with the misread/ confused wins? How many puns had they planned out for this entirety? A low blow, really.

15. Followed by the speech by “Rapunsel”, speaking in poor BM, with an explanation that she’s mixed thus why she’s bad at BM. Another attempt at race politics? Interracial couples and children are roaming around this entire planet, feeling abused and disrespected from being bullied on the daily. But here, is being spotlighted for seemingly eternity. This is essentially saying that mocking interracial children, and even grown ups, is A-OK. Not cool man. NOT. Cool.

16. But then of course, we’ve come to the most highlighted scene of all. The beautiful voice who enters veiled. With the king being tremendously impressed by how beautiful her voice is, he assumes that she’s gorgeous too. A reflection of just how shallow people can be. So he requests for her to unveil herself to everyone. And then yep, you guessed it. BLACK.FACE. Literally, someone had spent hours in make-up, to turn this person black. All of this to reflect black = ugly = dirty. But it doesn’t end there.

17. Everyone is taken aback, shocked by how “dirty” this person is. Obviously. The king, especially, in his fear, asks “where is the lights?” What do you mean where is the lights? It’s kind of like the joke people make when taking a photo with a dark skinned person, insisting that you cannot see the person because of how dark their skin is. It’s insulting, and degrading of not just the person listening to it, but also to the person’s family, heritage, and background. Simply put: RUDE.

18. So, what is the solution for this poor girl? Go to Watson’s of course! In a jiffy after she returns, she no longer has dark skin, but also has a hair full of curly locks, and what seems a “sense of confidence” as she’s more outgoing, talking to the king and telling him that she is in fact “a flawless person”. Thanks to Watson’s. So basically, what this ad is saying, and it is THE sentiments of everyone who has seen it: if you’re dark, it means you’re dirty. Because you’re dirty, you need to clean up, and Watson’s will clean you up and turn you into a “flawless” person. In this sense, “flawless”ness is a few things. One, being “fair”, because yes, fair skin is the only skin that is beautiful. Two, long beautiful locks because you’re a woman. Three, a face full of make up, because natural beauty is just plain ugly. Oh dear. So according to Watson’s standards, anyone who has dark skin is just ugly, and have no confidence. Really, what exactly is the message are they trying to send here?

19. Just when you thought it was all over, sadly, it doesn’t stop there. Upon return from Watson’s, the king falls head over heels for her in an instant. He’s clearly smitten with her as she has the whole package, the voice in his dreams, and now the looks. So he tells her he loves her and proposes to her. Flattered, she accepts it and they “live happily ever after”. Wait sorry, what was the moral of the story again? Right, it’s that we are shallow. Everyone is shallow. Hooray. Wait, there’s more.

20. After their “happily ever after” Watsons song, the Thai queen desperately trying to get one of the other guards to marry her… This is a patriarchic stance on how women are dependent on men by being married to them, thus obtaining happiness. This desperate depiction places women as secondary to men. (I didn't notice this the first time I watched it , only when I had the conversation with someone else & saw it for the 2nd time that I saw it)

21. So in response to all the angry comments on the facebook ad, Watson’s has released an apology. Their apology states that one, the ad was based on “the legend of Dayang Senandong.. a Malay folklore about a lady who was born cursed with black skin but blessed with a beautiful voice. The legend depicts that the king fell in love with Dayang Senandong because of her voice and inner beauty. The curse was lifted after Dayang Senandong gave birth to the king’s child”. Again, another problematic statement as NOWHERE in this ad does it show that the “king in love…because of her voice and inner beauty”. None whatsoever. Also, according to a friend of mine who looked it up in the books of Malay folklore, Dayang Senandong does not exist. Maybe it did in a movie, which we can argue to be fictional as there is no proof of the existence of this very individual. Neither is it an excuse to be used as a reference for blatant racism (note the other racist bits mentioned above)

22. The statement then goes on to say “The video was shot to highlight the legend and its moral values of inner beauty and that true love exists”. I’m not sure about you, but I didn’t see anywhere in this video, true love, or moral values of inner beauty. I’m rather baffled by this particular sentence because correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t love, even more so TRUE love, the meaning of when a person wholly accepts the other for who they are? Both inside, and out? Also correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t inner beauty the definition of when a person stands proud for who they are as a person; their values, their stance, personality, character, and skills, regardless of how beautiful or how ugly others see them? In the video, it showed that “Dayang Senandong” needed a makeover the feel confident about herself. Because if she believed in inner beauty, then she would’ve marched, instead of slowly & carefully walked into the scene face first, not with her face covered. Don’t you think?

23. The apology statement ends by stating that the company takes all the feedback and comments of customers very seriously. The ad has since been pulled from social media and YouTube off their official pages. But if they really were sincere about taking the comments seriously, they would’ve issued a more sincere apology by owning up to what they had released. Instead, all we got was some half-assed-I’m-doing-this-because-I-have-to statement. Why? Because in the statement, it says that they “stand firm on the belief that unity and fairness plays an important role, and (they) respect people form all nationalities.” Well, if you did, you wouldn’t have shot the ad the way you did. If you did, you wouldn’t have approved of the script. AND if you did, you would not approve of how the entire video was edited. Safe to say, that Watson’s apology was definitely insincere through and through.

Look, I get it, we all make mistakes. The people making the ad, they’re human too. From time to time, even the best can slip up. It’s important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. As a person who has pissed off enough people in my lifetime to fully comprehend a lot more about life, I have had my share of mistakes, and trust you me, I still am making them. It has been through my own life journey of pissing other’s off that I’m learning to be more understanding, and more forgiving of the people who’ve wrong me. It is no easy journey. But one of the biggest downfalls that I believe we all have is the reluctance to own up to our own mistakes. Granted, the world is a really cold place when it comes to even accepting apologies. But when a person, no matter how bad they messed up, offers a sincere apology, it opens the room for conversation. This happens not only for those who are involved, but also to those who are mere observers of the situation. As people, we can tell by the content & tone of the apology whether it is a sincere one. When one is offered, opens up an avenue of dialogue to explain one’s opinions, and why or how what has happened is hurtful. It is important that we’re creating these dialogues, as it creates more mutual understanding, a more open space for progress and growth, not just as an individual but as a society.

Needless to say, I am severely disappointed in what Watson’s has done. The ad was one thing, but the insincere apology, and taking little responsibility for the mistake they’ve made, truly upsets not just me, but I believe many others who have both seen the video, and read the statement by Watson’s. It saddens me to say this, because many times, the service at Watson’s has been above satisfactory. But this was truly uncalled for. So until Watson’s releases a sincere apology (even better if they release a renewed ad that is all-inclusive, with zero (yes, not even subtle racism please!), I have to say that I will be boycotting Watson’s. I really hope that the people at Watson’s wake up and do something about this mess.

Excuse Me While I Work Things Out

Three or four weeks?
Has it been?

I have been running from city to city, country to country, packing, unpacking, struggling, challenging.
I've been smiling, crying, laughing, and tearing
After being showered with a fair amount of love, hatred, hugs, and angry slurs,
Finally, I am home once again.

After drafts and drafts of stuff that are sitting in my Microsoft Word,
I've decided that none of it is worthy of the cut.
I'm sorry.

So I'm typing this, I'm propped against the mountain
A mixture of clothes, memorabilia, books, and CDs
I found myself a quote that is helping me get through this really mentally & emotionally confusing transitional period.

"Strength is happiness. Strength is itself victory.
In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness.
When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose.
But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact that you're continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being"

Excuse the absence, I will do my best to keep up the weekly posts.
For those of you who are also in some transitional period, know that there are a ton of people who are also in the same predicament. So keep going, and do what you can. But more importantly, enjoy the moments, no matter how sour, sweet, both, or anything in between.

Menstrual Cups & I

This topic concerns not only those who bleed through their vaginas every month (women), but also those whose lives involve those individuals who do (men). Basically, this is an important talk that involves everyone, even if you think it's unrelated to you.

So read on:

Pads.

They seem to be everywhere.

They’re stuck in toilets, on the little corner of the bathroom cubicle, on the beach waiting unsuspecting beach-goers.. People can’t seem to get rid of them fast enough.

Yet they still continue to bombard us at the mall, on the tele, and on a giant pyramid at the supermarket.

Nowadays, there are so many varieties to choose from:

Perfume pads, herbal pads, organic cotton pads, astronaut suit material pads..

Companies are becoming more and more creative in how they can market their products.

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Heck, before leaving Korea, I watched as people pack bag after bag of the herbal pads (if I’m not mistaken) that seem to have caught the attention of many in Asia.

Tampons.
Invented by a man, comes in paper, or plastic holders, under another protective layer of plastic,
to be stuffed up your baby making machine, with claims of being useful for those who enjoy yoga, swimming, and "freedom". When really, those who use tampons have to be wary of the fact that they have to change their tampon every 4 hours.

But what they, or any company that has a marketing ploy to maximize profits does not tell is the harm that these commercialized products bring. Articles upon articles have flooded social media and the interwebs about the dangers of sanitary napkins; toxic shock syndrome, infections, harmful toxins that seep into the sea & soil to name a few. Google it.




Being aware of my body's reactions to tampons and overcome by my frustrations from the environmental impacts these sanitary products had, the universe had impeccable timing...

Thus about two years ago, I began my journey on Kickstarter after having observed lots of people around me buy some pretty cool stuff. One thing that caught my attention was the Lily Cup Compact. The company was creating a Kickstarter campaign at the time to release their foldable menstrual cup, as a means of helping women who are constantly on the go to reduce bulk in their bags. Taken by the entire thing, I decided to do more research into the products that was on the market. I started off with looking up videos about menstrual cups, how to use them, and people's thought on it. I mostly watched YouTube videos to get insight to understanding this alternative to pads and tampons.

Up until the time I began using my menstrual cup, I had been using sanitary pads that I felt left the least residue. I generally frayed away from using tampons as I found that my body had been rejecting them each time I did use them (my body felt tremendously uncomfortable - not because I didn't stick them in correctly from the idea of knowing that there were so much chemicals involved in the manufacturing of tampons). Thus it was a no brainer for me to make the switch to menstrual cups. It was not a small sum of investment but I will say that it was most definitely worth every single penny (cuz I purchased it in USD. HA!)

menstrual cups

drawn on a plane with no reference 

& NOT to scale

My first investment was the Lily Cup Compact, and the original Lily Cup. I won't lie, the first few times using it was rather tricky but now, almost two years in, I have to say that I've definitely gotten the hang of it. While my selection of menstrual cups has been limited to one (really, you only need one for at least the next 10 years), I will say that I know a handful of people around me who can vouch for the Diva Cup.

So what is the damn hype about?
Well the menstrual cup has a variety of benefits:

1. It is inserted into the vagina and holds up to 12 hours of menstruation
2. Unlike tampons and pads, the menstrual cup does not to be replaced every 4 hours
3. Because this product can be reused, it significantly reduces waste that occurs from the usage of commercial sanitary pads & tampons
4. It is washable & free of toxins & harmful chemicals that cause Toxic Shock Syndrome/chemical leakages into the soil, seas, and water supply
5. It is made of high grade silicone, neither plastic nor other materials that can be potentially harmful to the body or the environment

As a satisfied customer of the menstrual cup (it fulfilled the many requirements I had for menstrual products), I would like to start a mini campaign for the women in Malaysia & Korea who are reading this:
I am currently in the country where the aforementioned menstrual cups are sold. I am offering to buy up to a total of 10 menstrual cups of your choice (one per person) that fits the above requirements and will be more than happy to bring them to you at no extra cost.
As an advocate of the use of a safer, cleaner, and more environmental friendly menstrual product, it would be my honor and pleasure to bring these products to those who are also looking for an easier & environmentally conscious alternative to plastic & toxic waste.

Based on my very rough calculations, a woman in Malaysia spends on average RM120-RM150 (the cheapest) a year on sanitary pads plus a ton of headaches and worries of staining their clothes and bedsheets.

What if I told you you only have to spend that amount for a total of 10 years?
A fantastic trade off if you ask me.

So if you're finding ways to have more money in the future for that dream travel, or to save up for that car you've been planning for, I'd be more than happy to help. As my luggage space is limited, I can only offer to bring back 10 of these badasses. So if you're interested, drop me a PM on Instagram @kimberleyknhe and we can work something out ;)

Accepting Compliments & Saying Thank You

Accepting compliments with a simple thank you seems to be a pretty difficult thing to do for many.

In my experience, culture has been a big influence on why I would refuse compliments. Perhaps many can relate when I say that we've been taught to deny compliments as a reflection of humility. 

And while having been surrounded by people who not only encouraged me take the compliment, I've had the great many fortune to understand how and why people say thank you for the compliments they have received. 

For starters, there is no shame in claiming a compliment. 

Even if you may not think that it fits you. 

Unless you've been mistaken for another person, then it's another story.  

But. Here's how I see it..

When someone compliments me on a certain thing I do I take pride in the progress I’ve made to obtain that certain skill that they are complimenting me for.

When someone compliments us, they’ve become aware that something we do is praise worthy. They’ve unconsciously acknowledged the process in which it took for the opposite party to obtain the skill/ability; thus resulting in the compliment.

Take for example my English. I had picked it up naturally by interacting with my parents and the characters of Sesame Street through my computer screen.

It’s not any said conscious effort on my part, but my parents had religiously placed in in front of the TV when those shows were playing. So when I graciously accept the compliment with my “thank you”, I am honoring the work they’ve put in to help me learn English.

One could deject and say that this doesn’t apply to having good looks and stuff, so we have to be humble about it. Well, technically, it is applicable. The beauty industry profits off of the idea that we can all look gorgeous; feeding into the fact that something as minute as a single pimple can throw off a person’s day. We spend no small sum in “putting on our faces”, be it in make up, or beauty regime, to having a balanced diet, exercise, or combination of things. 

Whether or not we are aware or acknowledge our efforts, someone has. 

So my question is: why do we deject the positivity that others shed on us? 

It matters not whether the compliment had been sincere. If it be insincere, even better. Because by accepting the compliment, we're indirectly expressing ourselves, we're acknowledging our own thoughts, effort, and abilities. 

By accepting the compliment, and giving thanks, we're doing a few things:

1. We're honoring all our efforts, no matter how small.
2. We're honoring the people behind our actions, those who have entrusted faith, and effort in us 
3. We're reminding ourselves that we have been, and are able individuals, capable of achieving just about anything we wish to accomplish
4. In return, we're continuing our very own legacy, even if it may not mean anything to some (cuz let's be real, there WILL be haters no matter what we do) 
5. Even if it does not take effect immediately, we are encouraging the complimenter to continue their own fight, and to continue the good work of bringing positivity to others by recognizing their opinions about us

There are many people I know that feel it important to be humble be refusing a compliment. While I do understand that stance, I strongly believe that it is by accepting the compliment that we continue to grow, to learn, and to constantly improve ourselves. 

We accept the compliment as a little reward for accomplishing a level of success. Moving on, there is more that the world has to offer for us to grab; time to go! 

Note:

There is a difference in accepting the compliment & being cocky about it. Constantly harping on the compliment does more harm than good in the long run. This, because cockiness only leaves us in a space of complacency & comfort. 

Again...

We accept the compliment as a little reward for accomplishing a level of success. Moving on, there is more that the world has to offer for us to grab; time to go! 

So take the compliment, say your thanks (with sincerity), and I promise you, the world will slowly start to feel a lot lighter & brighter.